What type of Fae are you?
Okay, that is rather scary. I would say I rather resemble that description a little more than I'd like. I've often felt like a changling to be honest.
Today has been a mostly good day, or at least it was until I got the mail.
Work was slow and boring. Though I did have one "lovely" {in quotes because I"m being sarcastic and you can't hear my typing}, lady who wanted to be taken off our mailing list {something we often do, no big deal}, because in her words "it was a violation of her personal space". She even taped the conversation. Good grief lady.. I"d be happy to take you off the list, but don't act as though I walked into your house and sat at the table during breakfast to try and push q-gel on you over your morning coffee. And don't get your attitude in my face, about how You don't wanto be referred adn we will do this that and the the other. I know where you live. I am a devious and mean person. Piss me off and you will lead a "very intersting life". Okay, I'd never actually do anything {not illegal anyway}, but sheesh. Toss it away and get on with your freaking life, assuming anybody with ass cheeks that tight actually has one.
Since it was so dead, I got to leave early. I didn't want to go home, and I was still a bit hungry so I wander Hornbacher's Express for 30 minutes to find something to eat, that wasn't completely crap and had something resembling a vitamin in it.
I ended up stalling for time outside the juvy center anyway, just reading and listening to the radio. Than I spent an hour or so with Warren.
I also had a lovely converstation with another lady whose daughter was also in. Very intersting. It seems we have a lot in common, scary. She is also the third person to confirm certain rumors I didn't believe when my son told them to me. But which has since been confirmed by other parties who would have no reason to lie to me. I guess I should believe him sometimes. Seems I really am living in Peyton Place. I can't disclose the rumors, but it is definately an "Area 51" situation. A big secret that everybody knows about, but acts like they don't, unless they need to. I'm begging to wonder what else I should believe that I thought was a lie. Man I really did grow up way too naive.
But anyways.
After I visted Warren, I treated myself to some time out. I went to see Shrek the Third. I even splurged on a junior popcorn {hold the saltified butter flavored oil product}, and a bottled water {I'm such a wild child I know}. The movie was great. Not nearly as funny as the first two, but it definately had some great laughs. If you get a chance, do go see it.
Than I came home and made the mistake of checking my mail. I got copies of paperwork from DJS, just stupid release forms, which they sent me double copies of. A reminder of things I am still comming to terms with. And a nasty letter from my bank in regaards to my lack of wealth. I have money, just not nearly enough.
Yesterday I found a great like new blender at a local thrift store. So now I'm getting smoothie happy. I made a great one for breakfast, with enough left over that I had a small one when I got home. I call it mango berry. IT s just soy yougurt, mango, strawberries, some frozen black and blue berries and a bit of almond milk with a small bit of wheat germ oil. {yes I am becomming one of those annoying almost non dairy people}.
I had a Okara {soy product} Chikin {no birds died to make it} patty on Dakota bread {Great Harvest has the worlds second greatest bread. Fresh ground flour, and this kind has pumpkin seeds adn flax and nuts and millet.. good stuff}, with spinach salad.
I actually did and entire vegetarian day. I"m so proud of myself. I'm not a full vegetarian yet, unless fish and eggs get reclassified as plants, but I am this close. I'm just not ready to give up teh fish, and I have yet to find anything that comes close to a substitute for eggs. But lets hear it for over a year with no pig, three months with no cow or buffalo, and about 2 months with no chicken.
I never planned to give up the moo juice, it just sort of happened. I've gone over to the dark side.
Or I could be an ICthy-Ovo veg {with ocassional lacto for a cheese treat. Veggie cheese, at least the ones I've tried are just gross}. Tofurky is passible, the Phony-bolonga tastes like bologna which isn't all that good of a thing, and the tofu pepperoni is just gross. But the soy sausage and the Okara chicken are pretty decent. They never fool anyone into thinking they are real meat, but they taste decent on thier own.
I think its time for bed. Even I can't follow my train of thought anymore
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
almost over and done
edited : Slight Retraction: Ignore what I said about Jerry Lee, I had Jerry Falwell confused with Jimmy Swaggert. it still makes for a very intersting family dynamic though. Clearly the showman gene runs in the family And Jerry Falwell, was still a blowhard full of hot air.
I haven't updated for awhile, because of a number of reasons. Partially because of being busy, and partially because I"m still having a hard time comming to grips with certain things.
Its all over with Warren, except the official paperwork and final placement. He plead out to 5 of the charges that were against him and the state dropped the other two {the two biggies}. He is now a ward of the juvenille system for one year. They are hoping to get him intto a place close to here, if possible, but they are all full right now. And in order to get on the list I first need to fill out 500 or so forms and find copies of his birth certificate, social security card, stundent id, my custody decree, the restraining order against the idiot, and proof of child support owed. Oh and I could have been on a waiting list earlier but I hadn't filled out a form, I didnt' know I was supposed to ask for, because the guy who could have given it to me {Brad the PO}, never told me about it. Don't you just love red tape.
On the bright side this means I am done with court for now, and while Warren was a little upset at first, his attourney did a fairly good job of spelling out the cold hard facts of what he was up against, and he was quick to accept the reality of the situation, and that I did what I thought was best. One of the hardest parts of motherhood isn't protecting your kids from the scary monsters of the world, the hot stoves and the speeding cars, it is when you find yourself having to protect your child from himself. {and having his so called "friends" carve the word bitch in your front door to thank you for your efforts. And before you ask, yes I did file a police report}.
The idiot of course also had his lawyer present who just got the case a day or so ago, so wasn't up to speed. He was still trying to get the wife of his friends brother to help act as caretakeer while I was at work. I barely know here, and school will be out in a week or so. IT was so not an option. Warren wanted it to be, but accepted that it wasn't going to happen. He doesn't like it, but I think reality has finally sunk in. I hope.
I'm still not really ready to talk about everything that is going thru my head. I know I"ve did the best I could with what I had, and I love my son more than anything. But I can't help feeling like I failed somewhere. My son saw what drinking did to his father. He knew exactly how I felt, we had talked about drugs and alcohol many many times, and yet he chose to drink anyway. He chose to steal and hang out with the kids who had bad reputations, getting himself one in the process. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I feel like somewhere I did or didn't do something I should have. I find myself replaying his entire childhood event by event.
I'm working on coming to terms with my own emotions but it isn't an easy process.
Strange now that I have a car, one would think I would have more time to fit more things in, but I seem to have even less.
My company is a corporate partner with the local Y, and they now have a program where they will pay 20 dollars per month towards a membership in any gym for any employee. I could have a gym membership for practically nothing, and yet instead of racing down to take advantage, I can't even seem to find the time to get there, and I keep finding excuses as to why I won't have time to work out, blah blah.. I don't get it. I used to be out of the house at 6:45, now I can barely roll out of bed before 7am. I"m getting so lazy.
I may just have to force myself to sign up and get my but out of bed early again, so I can work out in the am's. Maybe then I won't be so exhausted by 3pm.
Jerry Falwell passed away, yet his least favorite cousin, Jerry Lee "the killer" Lewis is still going strong , or at least still going.. I guess being self righteious, and judgemental doesn't buy you everything. I find it hard enough to believe they come from the same family tree, but finding out they grew up next to each other and played together as kids??, Man that must have been one intersting family. {thier mothers were sisters, I beileve}. I bet holidays in that family were a hoot.
The wind has died down finally, so instead of sitting here watchign my ass get wider, I think I'm going to go for a walk and see if I can break in my new shoes. {Is there a woman out there, who can restist those two famous words "shoe sale", especially when she really really needs to say good bye to some worn out favorites, and replace them}.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mom
Film :: Movie
Dragon :: Tales
Hunger :: strike
Plucked :: chicken
Dissolving :: water
Executive :: overpaid
Ridiculous:: preposteroius
Mist :: Avalon
Minority :: Report
Map :: read
What can I say. Even I don't understand how my mind works sometimes.
Like many who grew up in small community, I only had one mother, but I was mothered by many. From teachers who had known my parents for decades, to neighbors who looked out for every kid in the nieghborhood, even though there was at least a mile or more between neighbors, to almost any mom or non mother woman in town. I knew if I screwed up or did something it wasn't a matter of if my parents found out, it was a matter of when. Usually before I ever got home.
To this day I am convinced the internet has nothing on the small town grapevine when it comes to speed of spreading information. Of course this also includes the fact that in a town of 1500 there is no such thing as no one's business. Sure people would sometimes look the other way and pretend they didn't know what they did, but everyone knew, we just kept our mouths shut.
My mother wasn't perfect, she didn't have a job outside of her family. She did work in town for a while but that didn't last long, and could make for a whole nother entry on small town politics.
But my mom was the best mother she knew how to be. She loved both her kids and always made sure they were cared for, and knew they were loved. And while yes I do still have feelings regaarding my mom and my brother, I have come to terms with them from an adult point of view, able to understand things differently as a mom myself.
My mom didn't have an easy life. She has 9 older siblings and two younger sisters. She had to leave school in the 8th grade and has been supporting her self since she was about 16. None of my mom's siblings, save maybe a few of the oldest ever went to high school. It was too far away and would have been too expensive.
With 13 kids to care for,during the depression, my grand parents had to watch every penny, and try to squeeze a nickel out of it. From the time she was old enough to walk, work was part of her life.
There was no staying home with the kids. The older kids were responsible for the younger ones. I think my aunt Maggie may have spent as much time raising my mom as my grandmother, and she's only about 5 or so years older.
My mom supported her self as a nurse's aid, what is now most often referred to as a CNA. She worked for many years in hospitals in Rugby and eventually moved to Williston, where My Aunt Hedy and a friend were living. It was here where she met my dad.
It wasn't easy for my mom. She was already in her mid 30's when she and my dad married. My mom was 36 when she had me and 39 (almost 40) when she had my brother. She was living in her in-laws house, my dad was working long crazy hours trying to run the farm. My grandfather died when I was 3. My grandmother was no longer able to care for herself, and my brother was born early with many problems, some of which didn't become apparent until later.
My grandmother lived with us for a while, as I've mentioned before but it soon became obvious she needed more than we could provide. IT wasn't fair to my mom to try and help run the farm while caring for a newborn with multiple issues, a very precocious and hyper active preschooler (yours truly) and a mother in law in the middle stages of dementia, not to mention blindness (glaucoma).
My mom was never what one would call demonstrative. My parents would tuck us in, read to us, spend time with us, carry us on thier shoulders until we got to big, but they were never huggers, never one to say "I love you". Mom was one to show it, in making sure I always had a nice clean outfit to wear to school. In makin sure I never had somebody else's handmedowns as she always had to wear, in always getting up at the crack of dawn to make sure we had a hot homemade breakfast when other kids would have cold cereal or a pop tart on the way out the door.
While other kids had bland bread from the grocery store, I had fresh homemade bread baked with love that tasted better than anything one could find in the best bakeries. I had a spotless house that always smelled of pine sol, and dinners that were always cooked from scratch. I had fresh vegetables that were grown organically before anyone knew what organic gardening was. I had jars of homemade jellies, pickles and other preserves. Unlike the town kids, I was usually personally aquanted with my chicken dinner and knew which farm my steak came from .
My parents were always home when I went to bed and my mom always had time to read me a story before I got old enough to do it for myself.
While I get many things from my dad, my love of other people's junk, my need to always learn more, my short stubby legs and my work ethic. I also got some of my most important qualities from my mom. Not just my lovely wavy hair but my desire to always put my children (child) first, my instinct to go to my child when he needs me, my ability to throw together a good meal from almost anything (except bread. I will never be able to make a loaf or a bun anywhere close to my mom's. I've given up trying). From my mom I learned the value of a hard days work, the importance of an education, but that school isn't the only place to get it. That one should accept the family they have and give up wishing for the family they would have liked to have. To be proud of who you are and where you come from. I also learned how to make a mean cookie, to always be willing to try a new recipe and hey if it doesn't work, well know you know not to try that combination again.
My mom wasn't perfect. She had a temper, much like her daugher and like her daughter she sometimes doesn't know enough to let go of a grudge, but she does and moves on. sometimes she lost her temper with us, especially me. Often she would revert to what she knew or just couldn't deal with me, but she would get over it. I didn't understand her as a child, but as an adult I can relate all to well to what she did and why she did much of what she did. My mom like most mothers was a human being, one who had a life before me and one who had issues of her own to deal with.
My mom has lost everything she owned in a fire, not once but twice and yet she didn't quit, didn't stop, but kept on going.
She married and started a family at an age when many of her friends were raising teenagers, or becomming grandparents. And she did it with out whining or complaining, at least not where my brother or I could hear her.
Despite losing my father much to early, she managed to continue on, to make a life and live. She took over everything my dad left behind and took over all the bookkeeping of my dad's various investments, and sale of the farm and the rent of the land.
For the daugher of immigrants who only had an 8th grade education, she did better than many with ph.ds.
She has been there many times, when no one else was. She loves me even though I think half the time she doesn't have a clue where I came from. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and in some ways I think I am still rebeling, but in other ways, I am glad when somebody says I am like my mom.
I could do a lot lot worse.
I was not an easy kid to raise, and my mom put up with a lot. She doesn't understand me but she loves me anyway, accepts me and my brother for who we are, and doesn't try to force us to be the children she would have liked to have. It took her awhile to come to terms that she would never have the perfect children every mother dreams of, but she didn't let that stop her from being a mom.
That is a true mother in every sense of the word.
I don't say it enough, but despite everything. I love you mom!!
Dragon :: Tales
Hunger :: strike
Plucked :: chicken
Dissolving :: water
Executive :: overpaid
Ridiculous:: preposteroius
Mist :: Avalon
Minority :: Report
Map :: read
What can I say. Even I don't understand how my mind works sometimes.
Like many who grew up in small community, I only had one mother, but I was mothered by many. From teachers who had known my parents for decades, to neighbors who looked out for every kid in the nieghborhood, even though there was at least a mile or more between neighbors, to almost any mom or non mother woman in town. I knew if I screwed up or did something it wasn't a matter of if my parents found out, it was a matter of when. Usually before I ever got home.
To this day I am convinced the internet has nothing on the small town grapevine when it comes to speed of spreading information. Of course this also includes the fact that in a town of 1500 there is no such thing as no one's business. Sure people would sometimes look the other way and pretend they didn't know what they did, but everyone knew, we just kept our mouths shut.
My mother wasn't perfect, she didn't have a job outside of her family. She did work in town for a while but that didn't last long, and could make for a whole nother entry on small town politics.
But my mom was the best mother she knew how to be. She loved both her kids and always made sure they were cared for, and knew they were loved. And while yes I do still have feelings regaarding my mom and my brother, I have come to terms with them from an adult point of view, able to understand things differently as a mom myself.
My mom didn't have an easy life. She has 9 older siblings and two younger sisters. She had to leave school in the 8th grade and has been supporting her self since she was about 16. None of my mom's siblings, save maybe a few of the oldest ever went to high school. It was too far away and would have been too expensive.
With 13 kids to care for,during the depression, my grand parents had to watch every penny, and try to squeeze a nickel out of it. From the time she was old enough to walk, work was part of her life.
There was no staying home with the kids. The older kids were responsible for the younger ones. I think my aunt Maggie may have spent as much time raising my mom as my grandmother, and she's only about 5 or so years older.
My mom supported her self as a nurse's aid, what is now most often referred to as a CNA. She worked for many years in hospitals in Rugby and eventually moved to Williston, where My Aunt Hedy and a friend were living. It was here where she met my dad.
It wasn't easy for my mom. She was already in her mid 30's when she and my dad married. My mom was 36 when she had me and 39 (almost 40) when she had my brother. She was living in her in-laws house, my dad was working long crazy hours trying to run the farm. My grandfather died when I was 3. My grandmother was no longer able to care for herself, and my brother was born early with many problems, some of which didn't become apparent until later.
My grandmother lived with us for a while, as I've mentioned before but it soon became obvious she needed more than we could provide. IT wasn't fair to my mom to try and help run the farm while caring for a newborn with multiple issues, a very precocious and hyper active preschooler (yours truly) and a mother in law in the middle stages of dementia, not to mention blindness (glaucoma).
My mom was never what one would call demonstrative. My parents would tuck us in, read to us, spend time with us, carry us on thier shoulders until we got to big, but they were never huggers, never one to say "I love you". Mom was one to show it, in making sure I always had a nice clean outfit to wear to school. In makin sure I never had somebody else's handmedowns as she always had to wear, in always getting up at the crack of dawn to make sure we had a hot homemade breakfast when other kids would have cold cereal or a pop tart on the way out the door.
While other kids had bland bread from the grocery store, I had fresh homemade bread baked with love that tasted better than anything one could find in the best bakeries. I had a spotless house that always smelled of pine sol, and dinners that were always cooked from scratch. I had fresh vegetables that were grown organically before anyone knew what organic gardening was. I had jars of homemade jellies, pickles and other preserves. Unlike the town kids, I was usually personally aquanted with my chicken dinner and knew which farm my steak came from .
My parents were always home when I went to bed and my mom always had time to read me a story before I got old enough to do it for myself.
While I get many things from my dad, my love of other people's junk, my need to always learn more, my short stubby legs and my work ethic. I also got some of my most important qualities from my mom. Not just my lovely wavy hair but my desire to always put my children (child) first, my instinct to go to my child when he needs me, my ability to throw together a good meal from almost anything (except bread. I will never be able to make a loaf or a bun anywhere close to my mom's. I've given up trying). From my mom I learned the value of a hard days work, the importance of an education, but that school isn't the only place to get it. That one should accept the family they have and give up wishing for the family they would have liked to have. To be proud of who you are and where you come from. I also learned how to make a mean cookie, to always be willing to try a new recipe and hey if it doesn't work, well know you know not to try that combination again.
My mom wasn't perfect. She had a temper, much like her daugher and like her daughter she sometimes doesn't know enough to let go of a grudge, but she does and moves on. sometimes she lost her temper with us, especially me. Often she would revert to what she knew or just couldn't deal with me, but she would get over it. I didn't understand her as a child, but as an adult I can relate all to well to what she did and why she did much of what she did. My mom like most mothers was a human being, one who had a life before me and one who had issues of her own to deal with.
My mom has lost everything she owned in a fire, not once but twice and yet she didn't quit, didn't stop, but kept on going.
She married and started a family at an age when many of her friends were raising teenagers, or becomming grandparents. And she did it with out whining or complaining, at least not where my brother or I could hear her.
Despite losing my father much to early, she managed to continue on, to make a life and live. She took over everything my dad left behind and took over all the bookkeeping of my dad's various investments, and sale of the farm and the rent of the land.
For the daugher of immigrants who only had an 8th grade education, she did better than many with ph.ds.
She has been there many times, when no one else was. She loves me even though I think half the time she doesn't have a clue where I came from. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and in some ways I think I am still rebeling, but in other ways, I am glad when somebody says I am like my mom.
I could do a lot lot worse.
I was not an easy kid to raise, and my mom put up with a lot. She doesn't understand me but she loves me anyway, accepts me and my brother for who we are, and doesn't try to force us to be the children she would have liked to have. It took her awhile to come to terms that she would never have the perfect children every mother dreams of, but she didn't let that stop her from being a mom.
That is a true mother in every sense of the word.
I don't say it enough, but despite everything. I love you mom!!
Friday, May 11, 2007
confused and bewildered
I think there must be something in the gas besides gas. I don't just mean the higher prices, but something is causing people around here to loose thier minds, and car exhaust seems to me a pretty sneaky way to poison a large group of unsuspecting people (I mean more so than we already are)
I stopped in Wally World tonight to returns yesterdays afore mentioned sports bra as the uniboob look really isn't me. Afterwards I went to pick up a few other needed, items (mouthwash, face mask, home manicure suppliesk, you know the essentials), while I was in the hair care aisle some Asian woman (an employee yet) was helping a bunch of hispanic people decide on a hair color product for the lone female of the group. I was looking at hair items minding my own business, but eavesdropping none the less, as I love overhearing other peoples conversations.
I turned away from my cart for a moment to look at something when the Asian lady made eye contact and grabbed my hand leading me of to a corner. Where she whispered to me
Don't leave your wallet, there are foreigners everywhere
I was stunnded. I finally just had to laugh. I swear I thought I was on candid camera, or some really bad reality show. Did she really say what I thought she just said!?!? In Wal-Mart yet. **blink blink**
Hello, this is America, unless you are 100% Native American somewhere in your family tree there are a bunch of one time foreigners.. And even they immigrated over thru Asia several thousand years ago.
Sheesh, read a history book why don't you.
Than I check my email and find this lovely little piece of spam. Presented exactly as I recieved it, creative spellings and all.
Re:.. P.ossib.le meeting f
Hi tbhere lovely, I was searbcbhing the net few days ago. I am new to this thing. and saw your profile.a I decided to emaail you cause I found b you attractive. I might come down to your city ain few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person. I am attractive gairl. I am sure you won't regreta it. Reply to my personal email at
I've never placed a personal ad ever. And I don't swing on that side of the fence, I don't swing period with random strangers I've never met. So What.the.fuck!?!? I must be on some mighty intersting lists. But at least this one wasn't in Greek.
It seems to me if you are trying to spam someone to get money out of them, it would make sense to put the email in a language they might possibly be able to actually read!?!? But I'm strange that way.
A few days ago, my WiseGeek email sent me this wonderful link, about how I can make my own yarn out of dog fur, Or cat fur If I have enough kitites (no harm to the animal, it involves saving what they shed naturally). I think I will pass. Somehow I don't think a Chloe sweater or a Chester scarf really sounds all that appealing to me. Not to mention the work. I mean who is that freaking bored?
Last week I put on gas. A local grocery store has an offer where you get so much off per gallon of gas with your reciept, up to 12 cents if you buy over $100. My reciept is only for about $25 or so, good for 4 cents off per gallon. After work I traipse over to the station as my gas tank was not quite but almost down to fumes. I fill up my car, after going thru more steps than required to program the average tivo, and pay for my discounted gas. I thought I had got a pretty good deal. Not so much. On my way to visit the delinquent one, I drove by a station I used to frequent regularly when I worked down town. The same freaking gas was 4 cents cheaper than what I paid with my freaking discount. Good thing I only bought $20 worth.
At the rate we are going pretty soon filling stations will have to have finance offers to help you take out loan everytime you fill up. Sheesh!!
But at least its Friday. That means Las and Order and a night I don't have to worry about getting to be and getting up early the next day.
TTFN
I stopped in Wally World tonight to returns yesterdays afore mentioned sports bra as the uniboob look really isn't me. Afterwards I went to pick up a few other needed, items (mouthwash, face mask, home manicure suppliesk, you know the essentials), while I was in the hair care aisle some Asian woman (an employee yet) was helping a bunch of hispanic people decide on a hair color product for the lone female of the group. I was looking at hair items minding my own business, but eavesdropping none the less, as I love overhearing other peoples conversations.
I turned away from my cart for a moment to look at something when the Asian lady made eye contact and grabbed my hand leading me of to a corner. Where she whispered to me
Don't leave your wallet, there are foreigners everywhere
I was stunnded. I finally just had to laugh. I swear I thought I was on candid camera, or some really bad reality show. Did she really say what I thought she just said!?!? In Wal-Mart yet. **blink blink**
Hello, this is America, unless you are 100% Native American somewhere in your family tree there are a bunch of one time foreigners.. And even they immigrated over thru Asia several thousand years ago.
Sheesh, read a history book why don't you.
Than I check my email and find this lovely little piece of spam. Presented exactly as I recieved it, creative spellings and all.
Re:.. P.ossib.le meeting f
Hi tbhere lovely, I was searbcbhing the net few days ago. I am new to this thing. and saw your profile.a I decided to emaail you cause I found b you attractive. I might come down to your city ain few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person. I am attractive gairl. I am sure you won't regreta it. Reply to my personal email at
I've never placed a personal ad ever. And I don't swing on that side of the fence, I don't swing period with random strangers I've never met. So What.the.fuck!?!? I must be on some mighty intersting lists. But at least this one wasn't in Greek.
It seems to me if you are trying to spam someone to get money out of them, it would make sense to put the email in a language they might possibly be able to actually read!?!? But I'm strange that way.
A few days ago, my WiseGeek email sent me this wonderful link, about how I can make my own yarn out of dog fur, Or cat fur If I have enough kitites (no harm to the animal, it involves saving what they shed naturally). I think I will pass. Somehow I don't think a Chloe sweater or a Chester scarf really sounds all that appealing to me. Not to mention the work. I mean who is that freaking bored?
Last week I put on gas. A local grocery store has an offer where you get so much off per gallon of gas with your reciept, up to 12 cents if you buy over $100. My reciept is only for about $25 or so, good for 4 cents off per gallon. After work I traipse over to the station as my gas tank was not quite but almost down to fumes. I fill up my car, after going thru more steps than required to program the average tivo, and pay for my discounted gas. I thought I had got a pretty good deal. Not so much. On my way to visit the delinquent one, I drove by a station I used to frequent regularly when I worked down town. The same freaking gas was 4 cents cheaper than what I paid with my freaking discount. Good thing I only bought $20 worth.
At the rate we are going pretty soon filling stations will have to have finance offers to help you take out loan everytime you fill up. Sheesh!!
But at least its Friday. That means Las and Order and a night I don't have to worry about getting to be and getting up early the next day.
TTFN
pants and such
In the good news of the day I did try on pants today. I had one pair that would have been perfect, were I to suddenly sprout another 3 inches. And I actually tried on a pair of size 12's. I wouldn't ever where them in public as they made my thighs look like over grilled brats just before the skin bursts and they pop, but I was able to get them on and zipped.
I'd probably be able to fit much better if I didn't have all this stupid extra floppy skin and flab. I was thrilled to buy a shirt that was only a L, no more X's for me. {I'd never get and xs, if I lost that much I think I'd be hospitalilzed}. I also invested in a sports bra. Jogging with out one could be hazardous to me and anyone on the same block. {there is track only two blocks from here at the elementrary school, so I power walk/jog there}
Had a great visit with Warren tonight, and The Falcon is back at home and ready to take on the Kessel Run. I don't even want to know what was going thru the mind of one of the previous owners who had fixed part o the exhaust {under the car, not visible unless you hoist it up and look} with duct tape?? Even mechanically challanged me, wouldn't think of that. It was kind of funny though, considering it was rather fried.
I'm in a better mood tonight. I had salmon and asparagus for dinner along with a healthy dose of Mel Brooks {Young Frankenstein}, and Mel always cheers me up. So does having a nice pleasant visit with my boy. I was evil mommy and snuck him in a few illegal skittles. Just a few that he ate while we talked.
And tommorrow is Friday. I have two days off and to myself. No getting up, no work, no obligations other than a few household chores and a visit to my son, or two.
I'd probably be able to fit much better if I didn't have all this stupid extra floppy skin and flab. I was thrilled to buy a shirt that was only a L, no more X's for me. {I'd never get and xs, if I lost that much I think I'd be hospitalilzed}. I also invested in a sports bra. Jogging with out one could be hazardous to me and anyone on the same block. {there is track only two blocks from here at the elementrary school, so I power walk/jog there}
Had a great visit with Warren tonight, and The Falcon is back at home and ready to take on the Kessel Run. I don't even want to know what was going thru the mind of one of the previous owners who had fixed part o the exhaust {under the car, not visible unless you hoist it up and look} with duct tape?? Even mechanically challanged me, wouldn't think of that. It was kind of funny though, considering it was rather fried.
I'm in a better mood tonight. I had salmon and asparagus for dinner along with a healthy dose of Mel Brooks {Young Frankenstein}, and Mel always cheers me up. So does having a nice pleasant visit with my boy. I was evil mommy and snuck him in a few illegal skittles. Just a few that he ate while we talked.
And tommorrow is Friday. I have two days off and to myself. No getting up, no work, no obligations other than a few household chores and a visit to my son, or two.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
dark side of the moon
You know how on most cars the muffler connects to a long pipe that connects to the rest of the exhaust system and evntually to the engine. Mine doesn't. At least not currently. The other day I thought my car sounded a bit different than normal. I got out to go do what I was out to take care of anyway, and wouldn't you know, my muffler was hanging on by a proverbial thread, about 45 degrees from the ground, with only a few inches of clearance.
Guess who has to take thier car in for more doctor time tommorrow. They could have did it today, but I needed time for some creative banking in order to pay for it. Just my luck, unlike domestic cars, Japanese imports each have thier own specific muffler instead of one muffler fitting any old car, which naturally doubles the price and than some. On the brightside it does come with a lifetime warrenty {the muffler not the rest of the work, fittings etc..}.
I also had my last school meeting/IEP meeting with Warren's teachers and staff. Not my favorite meeting. I"m lucky to be in such a good school district and they really do a lot for him. But they also confirmed for me what I already know deep inside but don't want to deal with.
Ask any mother and they will tell you a parent's {especially most mothers} first instinct is to protect thier child, to make the bad things go away, and the good things come back. Unfortunately once children reach a certain age, there are bad things that mom can't make go away. They are able to get into trouble that mom can't, and shouldn't get them out of.
Even though aranging 24 hour adult supervision would allow him to be home until his trial, it really wouldn't be in his best interest, no matter how much I would like it to be otherwise. Warren is going to hate me, and of course The Idiot will use this as a chance to make me the bad guy, and use it with Warren against me.
I am going to have to talk to my lawyer tommorrow as we have our next hearing on Tuesday the 15th at 8:30 am. His PO has finally been able to talk to his doctors, and I need to get legal help to try and speed things up. Juvy is a safe place, but it is definately not the best place for him, but home placement isn't either.
He says he is sorry and will do whatever he needs to, and in his mind he may even mean some of it. But I know as soon as he is free and can talk to his friends again, we will be back to square one. He just doesn't know how to cope, or how to deal. The lure is too strong, and the desire will overpower the will. His dad is over 45 and can't keep clean, I don't know how a 13 year old can fight it.
Last week I was so torn. I wanted Warren to think I was on his side, but at the same time, I was so glad when the judge wouldn't release him to my custody. I only hope and pray something can be worked out soon.
After Tuesday, we have to go back to court on the 29th for pre-trial and then on June 4th for the official trial {unless his lawyer works out a deal before then}. He won't even get to spend his 14th birthday with us.
I know it is what is best for him, but it isn't making it any easier. I"m his mom, I'm supposed to take care of him and protect him. I am the one who let his father repeadelty back into his life, and let him live with all the turmoil and uncertainty. I should have provided him with a better childhood, maybe now he wouldn't be so mixed up, so angry. When his dad was out of our lives and he was with me all week and only saw his dad on some weekends and everythign was predictable he was fine. Then Mike fucked it all up and I let him.
I can't help the guilts. I'm a mother, protecting my son and looking out for him is my number one job and I just dont' feel like I"m doing it right now.
I know I have done a lot better than most. I care about my son, I make sure he has healthy food, a warm clean place to live, a good education, fun extras, family, and time with loved ones. But I also let him live with an unstable father and a mother who wasn't
I know he makes his own choices at this point, but I can't help but look back and wonder how he would have turned out had I gave him up for adoption instead of thinking I could raise him on my own. Or if I had followed my first instinct and just left town to go back to my parents and not told Mike. So many questions, none of them have answers.
I know I've done the best I could,but did I? I can't help but feel I have some blame in this as well. I may not have ever beaten my son, or degraded him,I've tried to always be there, but I'm far from perfect.
As much as I blame his friends and cant' stand them, I do have to give them credit for getting him help when they were worried about his safety, even though I have a feelign they were less than totally honest. Had nobody gotten him help, I shudder to think what could have happened.
I guess I just need to mourn the child I dreamed of having, and learn to accept the child I have. He is and always well be my baby. I just can't kiss away the boo-boos anymore.
"there is no dark side of the moon really, its all dark"
Guess who has to take thier car in for more doctor time tommorrow. They could have did it today, but I needed time for some creative banking in order to pay for it. Just my luck, unlike domestic cars, Japanese imports each have thier own specific muffler instead of one muffler fitting any old car, which naturally doubles the price and than some. On the brightside it does come with a lifetime warrenty {the muffler not the rest of the work, fittings etc..}.
I also had my last school meeting/IEP meeting with Warren's teachers and staff. Not my favorite meeting. I"m lucky to be in such a good school district and they really do a lot for him. But they also confirmed for me what I already know deep inside but don't want to deal with.
Ask any mother and they will tell you a parent's {especially most mothers} first instinct is to protect thier child, to make the bad things go away, and the good things come back. Unfortunately once children reach a certain age, there are bad things that mom can't make go away. They are able to get into trouble that mom can't, and shouldn't get them out of.
Even though aranging 24 hour adult supervision would allow him to be home until his trial, it really wouldn't be in his best interest, no matter how much I would like it to be otherwise. Warren is going to hate me, and of course The Idiot will use this as a chance to make me the bad guy, and use it with Warren against me.
I am going to have to talk to my lawyer tommorrow as we have our next hearing on Tuesday the 15th at 8:30 am. His PO has finally been able to talk to his doctors, and I need to get legal help to try and speed things up. Juvy is a safe place, but it is definately not the best place for him, but home placement isn't either.
He says he is sorry and will do whatever he needs to, and in his mind he may even mean some of it. But I know as soon as he is free and can talk to his friends again, we will be back to square one. He just doesn't know how to cope, or how to deal. The lure is too strong, and the desire will overpower the will. His dad is over 45 and can't keep clean, I don't know how a 13 year old can fight it.
Last week I was so torn. I wanted Warren to think I was on his side, but at the same time, I was so glad when the judge wouldn't release him to my custody. I only hope and pray something can be worked out soon.
After Tuesday, we have to go back to court on the 29th for pre-trial and then on June 4th for the official trial {unless his lawyer works out a deal before then}. He won't even get to spend his 14th birthday with us.
I know it is what is best for him, but it isn't making it any easier. I"m his mom, I'm supposed to take care of him and protect him. I am the one who let his father repeadelty back into his life, and let him live with all the turmoil and uncertainty. I should have provided him with a better childhood, maybe now he wouldn't be so mixed up, so angry. When his dad was out of our lives and he was with me all week and only saw his dad on some weekends and everythign was predictable he was fine. Then Mike fucked it all up and I let him.
I can't help the guilts. I'm a mother, protecting my son and looking out for him is my number one job and I just dont' feel like I"m doing it right now.
I know I have done a lot better than most. I care about my son, I make sure he has healthy food, a warm clean place to live, a good education, fun extras, family, and time with loved ones. But I also let him live with an unstable father and a mother who wasn't
I know he makes his own choices at this point, but I can't help but look back and wonder how he would have turned out had I gave him up for adoption instead of thinking I could raise him on my own. Or if I had followed my first instinct and just left town to go back to my parents and not told Mike. So many questions, none of them have answers.
I know I've done the best I could,but did I? I can't help but feel I have some blame in this as well. I may not have ever beaten my son, or degraded him,I've tried to always be there, but I'm far from perfect.
As much as I blame his friends and cant' stand them, I do have to give them credit for getting him help when they were worried about his safety, even though I have a feelign they were less than totally honest. Had nobody gotten him help, I shudder to think what could have happened.
I guess I just need to mourn the child I dreamed of having, and learn to accept the child I have. He is and always well be my baby. I just can't kiss away the boo-boos anymore.
"there is no dark side of the moon really, its all dark"
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Hair and there
New mutterings
Tumor :: brain
Bunch :: grapes
Gratitude :: thankful
Feel alive :: walking
Connect :: friends
Temptation :: food
Brighten:: light
Jewelry :: ring
Tough :: parent
Harmless :: Douglas Adams, Mostly
I can't believe someone actually noticed that I colored my hair. Granted it has been almost a week, and true I did stick with a color that is just a slightly more intense shade of my natural color. But still I find it kind of funny that it was a guy who noticed {don't even think it, there is nothing of the sort. He's a good 10 years younger and neither of us has any interest. My team lead of all people.
When I used to color my hair {I'm about 20 percent gray if I let it go for awhile}, I would always go for a mahogony or a cinnamony color, something in the browinsh red family. This time I went for chestnut, and I must say I look really good. My grays look almost like highlights and somehow I have a few strands that seem to appear like lowlights. Now sure how that happened, but it works. Too bad it washes out after a couple dozen shampoos. But now that I like how it looks, maybe I'll splurge on a permanent color. Its close enough that my roots would barely show.
I'm fairly lucky in that while my hair is on the fine side, I was blessed with a ton of it. It has on two occassions decided to suddenly get all thin and disapeary on me, but it always came back with a vengeance. I am a true Leo, my hair has always been my best/favorite physical feature, unlike certain lower parts which I seem to spend way too much time on, causing them to have a bad case of office worker spread.
Hair is a strange thing. According to my parents I was born with pitch black hair, but it fell out and was replaced with very light blonde hair, which I had for most of my childhood. Than somewhere around puberty it started getting darker until I reached the point where I am either a very dark blonde or a very light brunette. With My coloring only something in the brown/brown-red family would work. I once tried dying my hair midnite black. I looked so pale, people thought I needed a transfusion. I won't even try blonde, I'm sure I"d look like a freak.
Okay not sure how this turned into a disertation on my hair but whatever.
More excitement. It seems one of Warren's so called good friends stole his bike from our front yard. I guess they got tired of the crappy derailer and abandoned it. The police found it right next to where we used to live. The tires are still fine, but the chain won't stay on the back gears. I moved it inside the house. I wish I knew which one did it, not that it matters.
These kis have done the same shit before {Warren isn't innocent, he's returned the favor}, and yet they keep wanting to hang out. I really can't say I get it at all. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who stole from me. I know my friends sure as hell would not be impressed.
And my folks used to think my generation was hard to understand.
See ya on the dark side of the moon
Tumor :: brain
Bunch :: grapes
Gratitude :: thankful
Feel alive :: walking
Connect :: friends
Temptation :: food
Brighten:: light
Jewelry :: ring
Tough :: parent
Harmless :: Douglas Adams, Mostly
I can't believe someone actually noticed that I colored my hair. Granted it has been almost a week, and true I did stick with a color that is just a slightly more intense shade of my natural color. But still I find it kind of funny that it was a guy who noticed {don't even think it, there is nothing of the sort. He's a good 10 years younger and neither of us has any interest. My team lead of all people.
When I used to color my hair {I'm about 20 percent gray if I let it go for awhile}, I would always go for a mahogony or a cinnamony color, something in the browinsh red family. This time I went for chestnut, and I must say I look really good. My grays look almost like highlights and somehow I have a few strands that seem to appear like lowlights. Now sure how that happened, but it works. Too bad it washes out after a couple dozen shampoos. But now that I like how it looks, maybe I'll splurge on a permanent color. Its close enough that my roots would barely show.
I'm fairly lucky in that while my hair is on the fine side, I was blessed with a ton of it. It has on two occassions decided to suddenly get all thin and disapeary on me, but it always came back with a vengeance. I am a true Leo, my hair has always been my best/favorite physical feature, unlike certain lower parts which I seem to spend way too much time on, causing them to have a bad case of office worker spread.
Hair is a strange thing. According to my parents I was born with pitch black hair, but it fell out and was replaced with very light blonde hair, which I had for most of my childhood. Than somewhere around puberty it started getting darker until I reached the point where I am either a very dark blonde or a very light brunette. With My coloring only something in the brown/brown-red family would work. I once tried dying my hair midnite black. I looked so pale, people thought I needed a transfusion. I won't even try blonde, I'm sure I"d look like a freak.
Okay not sure how this turned into a disertation on my hair but whatever.
More excitement. It seems one of Warren's so called good friends stole his bike from our front yard. I guess they got tired of the crappy derailer and abandoned it. The police found it right next to where we used to live. The tires are still fine, but the chain won't stay on the back gears. I moved it inside the house. I wish I knew which one did it, not that it matters.
These kis have done the same shit before {Warren isn't innocent, he's returned the favor}, and yet they keep wanting to hang out. I really can't say I get it at all. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who stole from me. I know my friends sure as hell would not be impressed.
And my folks used to think my generation was hard to understand.
See ya on the dark side of the moon
Monday, May 7, 2007
Lawyers, Lawyers everywhere
Today I had to go back to court for Warren, just for a detention hearing, not for the charges. I also have two more court dates comming up on the 15th and the 29th. Its a good thing I keep in touch with his PO, or I wouldn't have been there. The Sherrif was supposed to serve me with the papers on Friday {liek I could get off work that short notice}, I was out, but I called him. I have yet to see him. {rolls eyes}.
I am still working on the red tape to get him into DBGR {Dakota Boys and girls Ranch}. Meanwhile since I am not able to provide 24/7 adult supervision he will remain in detention until such time as I am able to do so {not necesarrily me, just a responsible adult}, or make other arrangements he is stuck in junior jail. On the brightside I think he is learning a powerful lesson in how some things are so so not worth the price you will later pay, and you had better consider the potential consequences before you choose to do something.
This whole thing is getting out of hand. I have a lawyer, my son has a lawyer and now the Idiot suddenly wants to play dad, and he may be also getting a lawyer {all courtesy the great state of North Dakota}. Add in a PO and the States attourney, that is a lot of legal eagles for the issue of one frustrated mixed up teenage boy, and a hella lot cash.
I have so much going thru my mind right now. I miss Warren so much, but at the same time I am also glad that he is someplace where he is safe, warm, fed and can't get in trouble. The school is providing a tutor twice a week so he is still getting something resembling and education and he is so bored in room time that he actually has started reading books {yayyyy}.
The weather is finally so nice, I can't wait to go out walking again. I just wish I could find my BAt III cd, or any of my BOOH collection. Walking to music for an hour or so does wonders to clear my head and keep me from eating just to eat.
Snafu, pafu
So much for diaryland being back up. I still can't make an entry over there. I"m not saying anymore.
I don't have much time to update as I gotta move my but if I want to get to work on time and have something to eat for lunch.
Yesterday was finally a decent day. I actually spent most of it away from home which is a good thing. Usually when I have a day off I waste too much of it just sitting around not being productive. While no laundry or dishes were done, I did manage to get off my but.
There was an alterna-fair in town at the civic. I guess it was and Edge Whole Life Fair or something like that. Basically it was psychics and spritiualists, hypnotists, alternative healh care practiioners, etc.. everything but a tarot reader which kind of suprised me. I didn't really have any extra cash for readings or aura photographs or biofeedback which was too bad. I could have dropped a bundle.
I have a healthy dose of skeptisim for that kind of thing, but I also have an open mind. There is a lot we don't know, and yes I beleive people like the one the character in Medium is based on really do exist. You'll never find them by dialing 1-900 and paying by the minute, but they do exist and most of them have normal day jobs, families etc.. And no I don't think beliving such stuff is evil, thats just silly.
Anyway. I have to go to court again for another detention hearing for Warren. I am not looking forward to it, not at all.
Wish me luck
I don't have much time to update as I gotta move my but if I want to get to work on time and have something to eat for lunch.
Yesterday was finally a decent day. I actually spent most of it away from home which is a good thing. Usually when I have a day off I waste too much of it just sitting around not being productive. While no laundry or dishes were done, I did manage to get off my but.
There was an alterna-fair in town at the civic. I guess it was and Edge Whole Life Fair or something like that. Basically it was psychics and spritiualists, hypnotists, alternative healh care practiioners, etc.. everything but a tarot reader which kind of suprised me. I didn't really have any extra cash for readings or aura photographs or biofeedback which was too bad. I could have dropped a bundle.
I have a healthy dose of skeptisim for that kind of thing, but I also have an open mind. There is a lot we don't know, and yes I beleive people like the one the character in Medium is based on really do exist. You'll never find them by dialing 1-900 and paying by the minute, but they do exist and most of them have normal day jobs, families etc.. And no I don't think beliving such stuff is evil, thats just silly.
Anyway. I have to go to court again for another detention hearing for Warren. I am not looking forward to it, not at all.
Wish me luck
Sunday, May 6, 2007
As I was saying
The following was originally written Saturday 5-5-07, but only published on Myspace and Calorie Count due to Diaryland's well known technical difficulties. I am copying it here for those who don't want to have a MySpace account just for me.
I'm not sure how many blogs this makes for me right now. I may need to cut back somewhere. I haven't even logged in at CafeMom since I first signed up. Time for some consolidating.
But for now, this is my backup plan. I"ll never be caught with my blog down again. I hope.
And just for the record, I'm not so much mad at Andrew as I am totally frustrated. Had I {and the rest of diaryland} been keep in the loop as to what was going on I wouldn't have been so upset and testy. Many of us have used diaryland for so long, we come to take it for granted. When it isn't there, we become like a smoker who is out of Camels and can't find his wallet. I understand all to well the frailites of computers and how quickly a minor glitch can be come a terminal migraine. But I also work in customer service and know that clients are a lot more understanding when you are upfront with them, work with them and attempt to make amends for thier trouble, even if it was a sitiuation beyond your control. {we often reship pacakages when it was ups, or usps that screwed up, or other issue not our fault}, its only right.
He could have also shut down everybody for a short period to make things faster, and then just given the gold and supergold members that much of an extentioon on thier accounts for free, or offered them a cheaper renewal for thier trouble. There are always options, but ignoring your customers is only going to make them seek out your competition. So is getting defensive. Work with us, and we will work with you. We can be quite understanding if we are given a chance. But we weren't.
5-5-07 about 9pmishMy thermometer says its 70 {f} in here, but it feels more like 50. I'm
wearing a jacket and I'm still freezing. It's pouring out and has been since
yesterday. I am so sick of wet and cold weather. I miss my sun {not to be
confused with my son who I also miss}. This weather is not helping my mood at
all.
After work I had some time to kill and rather than come home and then
go to visit Warren burning up more gas, I drove to a thrift store that was on
the way there, and did some browsing. Browsing to the tune of about 7 bucks, but
still not baad. I got a hair dryer, two books, a couple of glasses {drinking}
and some bath salts {unopened with both Italian and English on the label, how
fancy}.
I wound up getting into another argument with Warren at visiting, but I
think we got over it. He doesn't see how his attitude isnt' acceptable, and
joking about stupid stunts and ideas isn't funny. He stil wants to hang out with
those kids.
The same kids who scared the crap out of me at midnite banging on my
door and then running away making noise in the hall. I don't need that crap.
They were gone too fast for me to call the police on them, and I didn't see any
faces well enough to identify them, but I have a pretty good idea who they are.
The thought of Warren hanging out with those idiots again, just pisses me off.
He's so much better than that.
I'm off tommorrow, not that I can afford to go anywhere, except maybe
to UU, just to get out and be with other people, other like minded adult people.
I am sick of freezing and raining. I"m sick of being hungry when I know
I've eaten. I think after I watch some of this Dr. Who {the original from back
in the 60's, whoot whoot}, its time to make use of my bath salts adn some hot
tea.. Than take my meds and snuggle under 3 {yes 3} blankets and hope I can be
warm, and not hungry.
Funny I never used to have appeetite issues, but now that it is all
yucky outside and Warren has me turned inside out, all I want to do is eat, even
when I am not hungry.
Hopefully a few of my dlanders have found me. I'm
having withdrawl pains
I'm not sure how many blogs this makes for me right now. I may need to cut back somewhere. I haven't even logged in at CafeMom since I first signed up. Time for some consolidating.
But for now, this is my backup plan. I"ll never be caught with my blog down again. I hope.
And just for the record, I'm not so much mad at Andrew as I am totally frustrated. Had I {and the rest of diaryland} been keep in the loop as to what was going on I wouldn't have been so upset and testy. Many of us have used diaryland for so long, we come to take it for granted. When it isn't there, we become like a smoker who is out of Camels and can't find his wallet. I understand all to well the frailites of computers and how quickly a minor glitch can be come a terminal migraine. But I also work in customer service and know that clients are a lot more understanding when you are upfront with them, work with them and attempt to make amends for thier trouble, even if it was a sitiuation beyond your control. {we often reship pacakages when it was ups, or usps that screwed up, or other issue not our fault}, its only right.
He could have also shut down everybody for a short period to make things faster, and then just given the gold and supergold members that much of an extentioon on thier accounts for free, or offered them a cheaper renewal for thier trouble. There are always options, but ignoring your customers is only going to make them seek out your competition. So is getting defensive. Work with us, and we will work with you. We can be quite understanding if we are given a chance. But we weren't.
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