keeping on, keeping on

I'm in a much better mood. Nothing has changed about the current situation, I've just given myself a bit of an attitude adjustment. Of course my first instinct was to sit in bed, whining in my head and throwing a pity party of one, but that only made me feel worse and did nothing to change things.

I can't change things right now, but I can change how I see it and hopefully make myself feel better, so I can at least be prepared to cope with things come Monday. {Or so the theory goes, anyhow}. I've been working out, and making sure I eat right, as I need the nutrition now more than ever. {though lately I've been so anal about that anyway}.

I am loving the water aerobics, I feel so much more energized the rest of the day. I am not liking the 5am wake ups however. I would really like 5am much better if it was closer to 8 or 9am. Then again, time was when 5am was more of a bedtime than a wake up time, so I must be doing something right.

I did a very hard workout today, and suprisingly I feel very good. I even treated myself to slightly more expensive dinner than I would normally have. I treated myself to a nice fresh piece of wild caught salmon, the bright red {w/no added color} kind. I just wrapped it in packet with some lime vinegrette {bottled} and some fresh rosemary and baked it. It was soo good. I swear I could eat salmon almost everyday. Good thing I had some broccoli, green beans, sweet potato {half a medium} and some baby lettuce with mushrooms. Of course I also splurged on a couple nice warm cups of ginger tea.

I did visit Warren tonight, but otherwise I spent the day just taking it easy and getting a few errands and other things done. Now I'm just enjoying some dvd therapy.

Poor Paris Hilton, how sorry I feel for you. How pathetic to go thru over 20 some odd years of life with out ever having been held personally responsible for your actions. When somebody does finally hold you accountable, you break down and act like a three year old late for nap time, and not getting a second cookie. You'd think it was 20 to life not a month if you allow for good behavior. And if she really does have that severe of medical issues, than she belongs in a hospital, a real hospital that is, not a glorified spa for pampered trust fund babies.

May she someday learn just how lucky she was to be born in to a rich family, that it doesn't make her better than anyone else, but it does give her to ability to do a lot for a lot of not so foruntate people. That with great wealth and power come great responsibility. Who is going to run the family fortune when mommy and daddy aren't around anymore. I dont' know anything about her siblings, but from what I can tell, she sure isn't up to it.

Maybe she'll someday learn that earnign somethign yourself, feels a whole lot better than having mommy and daddy handing it to you. That being protected from teh world, and relieved of all responsiiblty consititues a form of child abuse, as it produces a very unstable adult.

May she realize that partying everynight and flashing your hoo ha isn't going to fix anything, in fact it only makes things worse. May she realize that she should be thankful to the cop who originally pulled her over for being under the influence, he may have saved her life, or the life of an innocent driver unlucky enough to be on the road.

maybe a month alone with herself will force her to do some hard hard thinking {and not do he Oprah/Dr. Phill/The view circuit}, and to grow up and act like an adult instead of a teenager in woman's clothing.

Maybe she will stop living on the sweat of her grandparents, a few bad b movies and a really stupid reality show, and decide to do some real work, to stop wasting her funds on over priced designer duds and shoes that cost more than most people make in a momth and use it to help people, to make a difference.

Maybe she will realize that the best way to avoid the poparatzi is to not go to the places where the poparotzi hang out and expect to find her. Plenty of famous people are not pictured regularly in the rags, because they know how to keep themselves out of the limelight and to keep to places where they aren't going to be photographed humiliating themselves.

Maybe she can teach Brittney and LIndsey, and Nicole how to be a mature responsible adult, not a little girl playing dress up.

But I'm not holding my breathe.

distant ships on the horizon

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.

Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.

After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.

Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.

Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.

I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom

morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.

I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.

My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.

I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.

Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info