Sit down, shut up and hang on

Its a good thing I'm on meds and have discovered the thrill of daily cardio workout {along with the hot tub in the lockerroom} or I would be going apeshit and having major breakdown right about now.



Somebody in the Cass County legal system needs to take off thier head and screw it back on correctly, as it is definately threaded on wrong.



I got home Friday night around 10ish, after visiting Warren and making another visit to the gym {have i mentioned how much I love that place}, to find a message on my machine from Brad {son's PO}, that there is another detention hearing on my son Tuesday the 29th at 1pm. Okay first of all, there was originally a court date at 10 am that day, which was negated when Warren plead out at his last court date. so I told work I coudl work my normal hours, which they are expecting. Second of all it is a 3 day holiday weekend {Memorial day for any readers not in the US/familiar with US holidays}, and I won't be at work until Tuesday. Thankfully it is the end of the month not the begining, but with a new catalog hitting customers we will still abe busy. Second of all, I need more than a three hour notice to get time off. Since it is aforementioned three day holiday weekend there will be nobody of power or use in anyplace UNTIL Tuesday, a little late to start screwing things around. WTF. I am pretty sure everyone else knew about this well beforehand, but as the mother of the child in question I am apparently the one they feel the least need to keep in the f***** loop. I really feel the need to hurt someone, but I have no access to the people who need to have thier asses kicked with a steel toed boot.



In other news these same idiots in power are now trying to tell me my son has sexual issues. {to be polite}. My son has never touched anyone or made any inappropriate comments to anyone to my knowlege. With all his issues, that one has never been mentioned even once by any of his doctores, or teachers.



He is frustrated, worried, upset and probably a dozen other emotions. He has no access to booze, video games, computers or friends. He is releaving stress with the one thing no once can take away from him. Yes he may be having some issues of being seen in his room during room checks,but hello, He is a 13 year old boy, find me a boy who doesn't enjoy that activity {straight, gay, bi, or unknown it doesn't matter it applies to all males}, than he is probably more dysfuntional, religously oppressed or an unic}. It is pretty much a universal activty enjoyed by all males from the day they first discover that body part. If he were doing it in the day room, or talking about it to others, they might have an issue, but in what he percieves as "his" room, not so much. Yes he probably should have stopped once he realized he could get "caught" so to speak, but really, that still doesn't put him in the same category as those who prey on others. Stupid stupid over eager professionals looking for trouble.



I got the schedule from the Y, and I can do Yoga {beginner} on Sunday afternoons and Pilates one day a week in the evenings. I may get something resmembling muscles on me yet. When it comes to upper body strength I'm like a fluffy kitten. Way to damn "girly" for my liking.



I gave blood on Thurdsay morning at work {we have a drive every three months or so} and when they advise you not to work out for a day or so, they aren't just being over cautious. I didn't listen and while I was able to work out, I was so exhausted that night, like I've never been before. Even the next day. IT took me almost 24 hours to fully recover {I wonder if that's how long it took my body to replace the blood and get enough glucose to my brain}. I'm actually almost over the stiffness now. I think there may be a muscle developing somewhere under that fluff {yes I know it takes more than three days, I have so little, give me this illusion okay}.



But hot tubs are better than Advil for sore muscles, especially if they have really nice strong jets. Whatever I may hate about my job, getting this discount {half price in my case}, is one hell of a great perk. Working in the health/alternative industry certainly has it's advantages.



With the gym, support groups {need to find taht alanon meeting}, work out classes, for the first time in my life, I am actually having something resembling a life. the UU church doesn't meet ove the summer {except for a pro-PRIDE service the first week in June}, but they have some RE groups in the summer I may take advantage of.



Who is this girl and what happened to the fat quiet miserable basket case she replaced? I'm not used to this? there must be a pod somewhere, or a factory ala Stepford in reverse.



I'm on the ride, I might as well enjoy it.

Starting with some Johnny Depp this afternoon. I was disapointed with the second one,but you could tell with all of them that Johnny was like a deprived child given an all you can grab shopping spree at Toys R Us. He was having the time of his life and that alone is worth the price of admission. I love me some Johnny in Pie-rat {neener neener} gear. Especially on the Extreme screen where I can play count the pores.

pain pain go away

finally gave in broke down and did what I needed to do. I signed up for the Y. If I am paying for it {even if its half price,, there are somethings I do love about my job}, I will be more likely to use it.

I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.

I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.

My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.

The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.

Amazingly I'm not even hungry.

My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.

I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.

My head is ready to explode.

Life sucks

9:11 PM - when I make other plans, life decides to happen
Current mood: drained


Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.



When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.



There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.



But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.



Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.



So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.



I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.



I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.



And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.



One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.



Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.



I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.



But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.



Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.



I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had