dark side of the moon

You know how on most cars the muffler connects to a long pipe that connects to the rest of the exhaust system and evntually to the engine. Mine doesn't. At least not currently. The other day I thought my car sounded a bit different than normal. I got out to go do what I was out to take care of anyway, and wouldn't you know, my muffler was hanging on by a proverbial thread, about 45 degrees from the ground, with only a few inches of clearance.



Guess who has to take thier car in for more doctor time tommorrow. They could have did it today, but I needed time for some creative banking in order to pay for it. Just my luck, unlike domestic cars, Japanese imports each have thier own specific muffler instead of one muffler fitting any old car, which naturally doubles the price and than some. On the brightside it does come with a lifetime warrenty {the muffler not the rest of the work, fittings etc..}.



I also had my last school meeting/IEP meeting with Warren's teachers and staff. Not my favorite meeting. I"m lucky to be in such a good school district and they really do a lot for him. But they also confirmed for me what I already know deep inside but don't want to deal with.



Ask any mother and they will tell you a parent's {especially most mothers} first instinct is to protect thier child, to make the bad things go away, and the good things come back. Unfortunately once children reach a certain age, there are bad things that mom can't make go away. They are able to get into trouble that mom can't, and shouldn't get them out of.



Even though aranging 24 hour adult supervision would allow him to be home until his trial, it really wouldn't be in his best interest, no matter how much I would like it to be otherwise. Warren is going to hate me, and of course The Idiot will use this as a chance to make me the bad guy, and use it with Warren against me.



I am going to have to talk to my lawyer tommorrow as we have our next hearing on Tuesday the 15th at 8:30 am. His PO has finally been able to talk to his doctors, and I need to get legal help to try and speed things up. Juvy is a safe place, but it is definately not the best place for him, but home placement isn't either.



He says he is sorry and will do whatever he needs to, and in his mind he may even mean some of it. But I know as soon as he is free and can talk to his friends again, we will be back to square one. He just doesn't know how to cope, or how to deal. The lure is too strong, and the desire will overpower the will. His dad is over 45 and can't keep clean, I don't know how a 13 year old can fight it.



Last week I was so torn. I wanted Warren to think I was on his side, but at the same time, I was so glad when the judge wouldn't release him to my custody. I only hope and pray something can be worked out soon.



After Tuesday, we have to go back to court on the 29th for pre-trial and then on June 4th for the official trial {unless his lawyer works out a deal before then}. He won't even get to spend his 14th birthday with us.



I know it is what is best for him, but it isn't making it any easier. I"m his mom, I'm supposed to take care of him and protect him. I am the one who let his father repeadelty back into his life, and let him live with all the turmoil and uncertainty. I should have provided him with a better childhood, maybe now he wouldn't be so mixed up, so angry. When his dad was out of our lives and he was with me all week and only saw his dad on some weekends and everythign was predictable he was fine. Then Mike fucked it all up and I let him.



I can't help the guilts. I'm a mother, protecting my son and looking out for him is my number one job and I just dont' feel like I"m doing it right now.
I know I have done a lot better than most. I care about my son, I make sure he has healthy food, a warm clean place to live, a good education, fun extras, family, and time with loved ones. But I also let him live with an unstable father and a mother who wasn't



I know he makes his own choices at this point, but I can't help but look back and wonder how he would have turned out had I gave him up for adoption instead of thinking I could raise him on my own. Or if I had followed my first instinct and just left town to go back to my parents and not told Mike. So many questions, none of them have answers.



I know I've done the best I could,but did I? I can't help but feel I have some blame in this as well. I may not have ever beaten my son, or degraded him,I've tried to always be there, but I'm far from perfect.



As much as I blame his friends and cant' stand them, I do have to give them credit for getting him help when they were worried about his safety, even though I have a feelign they were less than totally honest. Had nobody gotten him help, I shudder to think what could have happened.



I guess I just need to mourn the child I dreamed of having, and learn to accept the child I have. He is and always well be my baby. I just can't kiss away the boo-boos anymore.






"there is no dark side of the moon really, its all dark"