distant ships on the horizon

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.

Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.

After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.

Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.

Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.

I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom

morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.

I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.

My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.

I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.

Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info