Life sucks

9:11 PM - when I make other plans, life decides to happen
Current mood: drained


Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.



When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.



There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.



But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.



Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.



So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.



I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.



I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.



And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.



One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.



Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.



I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.



But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.



Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.



I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had