Whine and cheeze

I hate scales. I really would like to throw them all in a pile and torch the whole things with a few mega tons of dynamite. My pants are fitting better, I am getting a little stronger and more flexible, but the bloody freaking /-/-/*-- numbers on the scale refuse to freaking budge. I have been at this same weight for almost a month now. I really want to blow something up {I am so not like most girls}.

My goal was to be at 150 by Warren's birthday. That is on the 20th only 8 days from now. I have long since realized I won't make that. I know I've come along way from the 298 I started at {312 at my heaviest} and a lot of people would be thrilled to be at 173, but I was hoping I could at least be in the 160's which while not goal some how seems so much smaller than the 170's. {its a psych thing I know}. i feel stupid for not being happier about where I am at, yet in between realizing how good I do look and how far I've come I have to fight off the urge to starve myself or do some other stupid unhealthy thing. Part of me wants to say F** it and go eat some muffins, but my rational brain is still in control and knows that's what got me in to trouble in the first place and my body deserves better. I'm just so many things right now, I dont' even know waht I am. I should be happy, but all I see is buffalo thighs, a flat watermelon butt, and a bunch of hanging skin on my legs and upper arms.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think damn?? is that me??. Other times I still see the old fat me. I guess I'm still adjusting to the new me, sometimes I'm not even sure I know the new me.


Enough whining for now. Time for some good news. {well goodnews/badnews}. Warren gets to have passes now. I got to spend two and half hours with him outside in the real world. He can have three passes a week. I also talked to DJS, and she and I and the respected involved legal members of this whole fiasco also agree with me, its the treatment places that can't see what we see. YOu would think he robbed a liquor store and shot somebody or something, not a few petty misdemeanors.

But I feel a little better and it was nice to have some time with my son, and the soft fuzzy caterpillar that seems to be growing on his lip. It was all I could do not to pluck a random long hair on his chin, sticking out from all the fuzz.

We went out to eat. Uno's is closed so we went to Krolls {local diner/with some great German specialities}. Warren ate like he hadn't been fed in a month. I had a chef salad hold the meat and cheese, which left me with iceburg lettuce and tomato in some sort of herby shell thing. I ate half of it {no dressing} and asome of Warren's hashbrowns. I only had water to drink, so I think I did okay. But I went light the rest of the night. I'm sort of hungry and sort of not. I think I'll just skip eating anymore until tommorrow. I can work it off in the pool. I'll just work double time {who am I trying to kid}

My baby boy will be 14 in only 8 days. I feel so old now. I may have to retell his birth story. Its not as interesting and wild as some, but its definately all us. I have the day off. Hopefully we might be able to get more than a couple hours.