I'm in a much better mood. Nothing has changed about the current situation, I've just given myself a bit of an attitude adjustment. Of course my first instinct was to sit in bed, whining in my head and throwing a pity party of one, but that only made me feel worse and did nothing to change things.
I can't change things right now, but I can change how I see it and hopefully make myself feel better, so I can at least be prepared to cope with things come Monday. {Or so the theory goes, anyhow}. I've been working out, and making sure I eat right, as I need the nutrition now more than ever. {though lately I've been so anal about that anyway}.
I am loving the water aerobics, I feel so much more energized the rest of the day. I am not liking the 5am wake ups however. I would really like 5am much better if it was closer to 8 or 9am. Then again, time was when 5am was more of a bedtime than a wake up time, so I must be doing something right.
I did a very hard workout today, and suprisingly I feel very good. I even treated myself to slightly more expensive dinner than I would normally have. I treated myself to a nice fresh piece of wild caught salmon, the bright red {w/no added color} kind. I just wrapped it in packet with some lime vinegrette {bottled} and some fresh rosemary and baked it. It was soo good. I swear I could eat salmon almost everyday. Good thing I had some broccoli, green beans, sweet potato {half a medium} and some baby lettuce with mushrooms. Of course I also splurged on a couple nice warm cups of ginger tea.
I did visit Warren tonight, but otherwise I spent the day just taking it easy and getting a few errands and other things done. Now I'm just enjoying some dvd therapy.
Poor Paris Hilton, how sorry I feel for you. How pathetic to go thru over 20 some odd years of life with out ever having been held personally responsible for your actions. When somebody does finally hold you accountable, you break down and act like a three year old late for nap time, and not getting a second cookie. You'd think it was 20 to life not a month if you allow for good behavior. And if she really does have that severe of medical issues, than she belongs in a hospital, a real hospital that is, not a glorified spa for pampered trust fund babies.
May she someday learn just how lucky she was to be born in to a rich family, that it doesn't make her better than anyone else, but it does give her to ability to do a lot for a lot of not so foruntate people. That with great wealth and power come great responsibility. Who is going to run the family fortune when mommy and daddy aren't around anymore. I dont' know anything about her siblings, but from what I can tell, she sure isn't up to it.
Maybe she'll someday learn that earnign somethign yourself, feels a whole lot better than having mommy and daddy handing it to you. That being protected from teh world, and relieved of all responsiiblty consititues a form of child abuse, as it produces a very unstable adult.
May she realize that partying everynight and flashing your hoo ha isn't going to fix anything, in fact it only makes things worse. May she realize that she should be thankful to the cop who originally pulled her over for being under the influence, he may have saved her life, or the life of an innocent driver unlucky enough to be on the road.
maybe a month alone with herself will force her to do some hard hard thinking {and not do he Oprah/Dr. Phill/The view circuit}, and to grow up and act like an adult instead of a teenager in woman's clothing.
Maybe she will stop living on the sweat of her grandparents, a few bad b movies and a really stupid reality show, and decide to do some real work, to stop wasting her funds on over priced designer duds and shoes that cost more than most people make in a momth and use it to help people, to make a difference.
Maybe she will realize that the best way to avoid the poparatzi is to not go to the places where the poparotzi hang out and expect to find her. Plenty of famous people are not pictured regularly in the rags, because they know how to keep themselves out of the limelight and to keep to places where they aren't going to be photographed humiliating themselves.
Maybe she can teach Brittney and LIndsey, and Nicole how to be a mature responsible adult, not a little girl playing dress up.
But I'm not holding my breathe.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
distant ships on the horizon
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.
Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.
After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.
Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.
Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.
I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom
morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.
I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.
My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.
I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.
Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.
Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.
After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.
Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.
Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.
I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom
morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.
I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.
My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.
I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.
Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info
Saturday, June 2, 2007
No titles today
Hol Got to sleep in this morning. I didn't get up until 6:15ish. I went to the close Y and did 30 minutes on the elliptical cross trainer.Its the one I've been working on most of the time, before I did water aerobics it just took me this long to figure out what it was called} and now on saturdays when I have no classes {since I work alternating
I did some arm weights and some crunches, on the machine {my belly hates that,but its helping alot} and then realized I had better hit the showers or I would be late. ,p. Of course mother nature is having another bipolar day, so I ca't go out and walk/jog lest I get a good soaking when mother nature has another rapid cycling fit. but the extra humidity and the harder workout really had me sweating. I think my heart rate his the 70 almost 80 percent range. Pity I can't keep it there for very long. ,P. But its having great effects. I just noticed today, I'm not slouching anymore. I actually sat up straight all day, very unsusal for me. And when I run I'm not running on my toes anymore. I was a toe walker until I was almost 8, my second grade teacher was always on my case about it, my folks were convinced I was going to be a dancer or something {with no lessons, I don't know how they expected that. Not too much call for professional polka dancers.. My folks were very old time}. I always ran on my toes, now I'm using the normal heal toe motion and running much better and for longer periods. Though I ,p. have to watch my fluids closely. {Or risk public humiliation} I do better on an elliptical or a treadmill, as there is less bumpty bump, same with in the water.
I can't quite do a push up, but I can do about half of a push up, so I am almost there. Tommorrow I am thinking. launddry, UU, cardio and some Yoga. I need to so some more housework too, If there is time I may go to the rally in Lindenwood park to show support for some of my friends, maybe I'll even be brave enough to get a rainbow sticker for my car. {I'm not gay, but I do have good friends who are}.
Work seems to be going by faster too. I picked up some more books at work, {I'm a hopeless addict when it comes to books, almost any books}. I have one on working out by Bob Greene ??, {The guy from Oprah} which seems to be quite interesting. I dont' agree with everything he says, but 98 percent of it makes perfect sense, and seems to confirm what I am experiencing.
I also have one on sleep, one on back issues and Shirley Temple's {very thick} autobiography {I didn't know she had two much older brothers} oh and one on diet for different medical issues {which seems a little fadish, and over the top in some places, but still rather intersting and she does make some good points}. I only have about 6 books I am trying to read now. Oh well might as well exercise the brain as well as the body.
I'm just amazed at how much getting my body healthy seems to affect the rest of my life as well as my mental state. I wish I would have 'got it" years ago, but I guess it took the 10th anniversary of Dad's death to wake me up, and change my mindset.
I've tried to loose weight many times before , and had some moderate success a few times, but most of the time, I wanted the results but wasn't ready for the hard work and life changes required to reach my goals. I didn't really have defined goals either, just loose weight or get healthy. I need to work towards something tangible and specific or I'm adrift. Making it public helped too. I had other people to be accuntable to.
Now I can't imagine my life with out exercise. It's sure chceaper than pharmeceuticals that's for sure.
Yesterday was my stupid pill day. I finished my water aerobics and got ready for work. Drove accross town to get to work, stopping quickly for a newspaper. I got to work early relaxed a bit, made a phone call and just as I was ready to start my shift, I realized I had my pdoc appt today, and was supposed to come in after it.
I had to hop back in my car and race back accross town {thank God for interstates} to get to my appointment with only about 10 minutes to spare. The real kicker here? My appointment was accross the street from the Y. Apparently I'm having my senior moments already.
After work I went to put on gas. I dont' know if Flying J {local truck stop, restaurant/bar, trucker/travel plaza} is lowering their prices earlyir or trying to start a gas war, but they had lowered thier prices 5 cents from wehre they were that moring and were a good 5 or more cents cheaper than any other place in town, and had the lines to prove it. They are also just off the interstate and draw a lot of travelers. I can't remember the last time I had to wait to get to a gas pump. It was like flash back to the late 70's or something, but with out the rationing.
Today the other stations, at least soom seem to have lowered theirs as well.
I still say there is something very wrong when 3.07/gallon is considered cheap gas. Let's hope this will last until my next payday, as things are beyond tight right now.
9pm and I'm ready for bed. Its so nice to be physically tired instead of just tired, or drained.
My bed calleth
I did some arm weights and some crunches, on the machine {my belly hates that,but its helping alot} and then realized I had better hit the showers or I would be late. ,p. Of course mother nature is having another bipolar day, so I ca't go out and walk/jog lest I get a good soaking when mother nature has another rapid cycling fit. but the extra humidity and the harder workout really had me sweating. I think my heart rate his the 70 almost 80 percent range. Pity I can't keep it there for very long. ,P. But its having great effects. I just noticed today, I'm not slouching anymore. I actually sat up straight all day, very unsusal for me. And when I run I'm not running on my toes anymore. I was a toe walker until I was almost 8, my second grade teacher was always on my case about it, my folks were convinced I was going to be a dancer or something {with no lessons, I don't know how they expected that. Not too much call for professional polka dancers.. My folks were very old time}. I always ran on my toes, now I'm using the normal heal toe motion and running much better and for longer periods. Though I ,p. have to watch my fluids closely. {Or risk public humiliation} I do better on an elliptical or a treadmill, as there is less bumpty bump, same with in the water.
I can't quite do a push up, but I can do about half of a push up, so I am almost there. Tommorrow I am thinking. launddry, UU, cardio and some Yoga. I need to so some more housework too, If there is time I may go to the rally in Lindenwood park to show support for some of my friends, maybe I'll even be brave enough to get a rainbow sticker for my car. {I'm not gay, but I do have good friends who are}.
Work seems to be going by faster too. I picked up some more books at work, {I'm a hopeless addict when it comes to books, almost any books}. I have one on working out by Bob Greene ??, {The guy from Oprah} which seems to be quite interesting. I dont' agree with everything he says, but 98 percent of it makes perfect sense, and seems to confirm what I am experiencing.
I also have one on sleep, one on back issues and Shirley Temple's {very thick} autobiography {I didn't know she had two much older brothers} oh and one on diet for different medical issues {which seems a little fadish, and over the top in some places, but still rather intersting and she does make some good points}. I only have about 6 books I am trying to read now. Oh well might as well exercise the brain as well as the body.
I'm just amazed at how much getting my body healthy seems to affect the rest of my life as well as my mental state. I wish I would have 'got it" years ago, but I guess it took the 10th anniversary of Dad's death to wake me up, and change my mindset.
I've tried to loose weight many times before , and had some moderate success a few times, but most of the time, I wanted the results but wasn't ready for the hard work and life changes required to reach my goals. I didn't really have defined goals either, just loose weight or get healthy. I need to work towards something tangible and specific or I'm adrift. Making it public helped too. I had other people to be accuntable to.
Now I can't imagine my life with out exercise. It's sure chceaper than pharmeceuticals that's for sure.
Yesterday was my stupid pill day. I finished my water aerobics and got ready for work. Drove accross town to get to work, stopping quickly for a newspaper. I got to work early relaxed a bit, made a phone call and just as I was ready to start my shift, I realized I had my pdoc appt today, and was supposed to come in after it.
I had to hop back in my car and race back accross town {thank God for interstates} to get to my appointment with only about 10 minutes to spare. The real kicker here? My appointment was accross the street from the Y. Apparently I'm having my senior moments already.
After work I went to put on gas. I dont' know if Flying J {local truck stop, restaurant/bar, trucker/travel plaza} is lowering their prices earlyir or trying to start a gas war, but they had lowered thier prices 5 cents from wehre they were that moring and were a good 5 or more cents cheaper than any other place in town, and had the lines to prove it. They are also just off the interstate and draw a lot of travelers. I can't remember the last time I had to wait to get to a gas pump. It was like flash back to the late 70's or something, but with out the rationing.
Today the other stations, at least soom seem to have lowered theirs as well.
I still say there is something very wrong when 3.07/gallon is considered cheap gas. Let's hope this will last until my next payday, as things are beyond tight right now.
9pm and I'm ready for bed. Its so nice to be physically tired instead of just tired, or drained.
My bed calleth
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
insert your own title here
I've made a few cool food discoveries this week: one in the grocery store, and two brilliant flashes at home.
One of the local grocery stores near where I work carries baba ganousj in little 8 oz tubs. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but once I brought it home, I was addicted with the first taste. I think I went thru a bag of baby carrots in two or three days. It also tastes great on bread or in sandwhiches. Who knew eggplant could ever be so yummy with some chickpeas adn some tahinni {and a few other things}. Its rather low in salt too, and high in fiber per serving. I will definately be buying more. I definatly seem to have an undu fondness for medditerean food , except for Feta, I really don't understand how anyone can eat something that smells like dirty feet.
At home I used a vinegrette {Paul newman} to brush my potato wedges before baking them instead of the usual olive oil and seasonings. The place smelled heavenly and they were the best potato wedges I've had. didn't even really need dipping sauce.
I also found a way to make my own slurpees, with no added colores or fake stuff. Its still sugrary but rather healthy. I took frozen fruit {in this case blueberries and blackberries, they have to be frozen} and ran then thru a blender with enough orange juice to make a drink. Man I dont' think anything at the Icee machine was that good, or had that much fiber and other vitamins. I think I'm going to have some of that for my breakfast tommorrow.
I wanted to update last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've started taking water aerobics in the mornings before work {the only time I can find a class at my level that fits my schedule}. I took water aerobics in college and loved it as it is so much easer on the joints and I can do things in water I couldn't dream of doing on land. I'm amazed at what a workout I'm getting and at how well I can keep up. Sometimes I wonder which pod has my real body in it, and if I'm going to have to give this one up.
The class is at 6am, which means I have to leave home at 5:30ish. Have I mentioned I've never been a huge AM person. I can get up when I have to, but I really love my bed. Once I am up and going with some Earl Grey or some English Breakfast tea and some food in me I am fine, but that intitial inertia can be a killer.
The class is great, and I'm much happier the rest of the day, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I also am starting to wonder if I may not have some low blood sugar issues, After I work out I am not hungry, but I am so tired and sometimes shakey I almost have to sit down. But once I eat I am fine. I eat before hand {not right before or I'd have cramps}.
When I got home tonight I was ready to just collapse but once I ate a good meal and had some slurpee {fruit and oj equals sugar boost} I was fine.
My fasting blood sugar last it was checked {a few weeks ago} was 68 and my tryglycerides were 49. So I"m not sure if I am lowering them too much or what.
I need to do more checking out.
Still no changes on the Warren front. He's alternating between acceptance of his situation and anger at me for it. Add in the fact that by the time I get to visit him I am exhausted, hungry and quite cranky, the visits aren't always as pleasant as either of us would like.
Tonight I just said the heck with it and came home and ate and relaxed. I called him and will be calling him later, but I feel so much better. Usually I go visit him after work, meaning I leave home at 5:30 am and get home at 8pm ish. Is it any wonder I'm falling apart.
I love my workouts though. I dont' seem them as work. I see them as cheaper than Prozac or inpatient therapy.
If only my shins would stop crying and my calves would stop bellowing for thier mother.
I think I'm taking a long hot bath and going to be early.
One of the local grocery stores near where I work carries baba ganousj in little 8 oz tubs. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but once I brought it home, I was addicted with the first taste. I think I went thru a bag of baby carrots in two or three days. It also tastes great on bread or in sandwhiches. Who knew eggplant could ever be so yummy with some chickpeas adn some tahinni {and a few other things}. Its rather low in salt too, and high in fiber per serving. I will definately be buying more. I definatly seem to have an undu fondness for medditerean food , except for Feta, I really don't understand how anyone can eat something that smells like dirty feet.
At home I used a vinegrette {Paul newman} to brush my potato wedges before baking them instead of the usual olive oil and seasonings. The place smelled heavenly and they were the best potato wedges I've had. didn't even really need dipping sauce.
I also found a way to make my own slurpees, with no added colores or fake stuff. Its still sugrary but rather healthy. I took frozen fruit {in this case blueberries and blackberries, they have to be frozen} and ran then thru a blender with enough orange juice to make a drink. Man I dont' think anything at the Icee machine was that good, or had that much fiber and other vitamins. I think I'm going to have some of that for my breakfast tommorrow.
I wanted to update last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've started taking water aerobics in the mornings before work {the only time I can find a class at my level that fits my schedule}. I took water aerobics in college and loved it as it is so much easer on the joints and I can do things in water I couldn't dream of doing on land. I'm amazed at what a workout I'm getting and at how well I can keep up. Sometimes I wonder which pod has my real body in it, and if I'm going to have to give this one up.
The class is at 6am, which means I have to leave home at 5:30ish. Have I mentioned I've never been a huge AM person. I can get up when I have to, but I really love my bed. Once I am up and going with some Earl Grey or some English Breakfast tea and some food in me I am fine, but that intitial inertia can be a killer.
The class is great, and I'm much happier the rest of the day, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I also am starting to wonder if I may not have some low blood sugar issues, After I work out I am not hungry, but I am so tired and sometimes shakey I almost have to sit down. But once I eat I am fine. I eat before hand {not right before or I'd have cramps}.
When I got home tonight I was ready to just collapse but once I ate a good meal and had some slurpee {fruit and oj equals sugar boost} I was fine.
My fasting blood sugar last it was checked {a few weeks ago} was 68 and my tryglycerides were 49. So I"m not sure if I am lowering them too much or what.
I need to do more checking out.
Still no changes on the Warren front. He's alternating between acceptance of his situation and anger at me for it. Add in the fact that by the time I get to visit him I am exhausted, hungry and quite cranky, the visits aren't always as pleasant as either of us would like.
Tonight I just said the heck with it and came home and ate and relaxed. I called him and will be calling him later, but I feel so much better. Usually I go visit him after work, meaning I leave home at 5:30 am and get home at 8pm ish. Is it any wonder I'm falling apart.
I love my workouts though. I dont' seem them as work. I see them as cheaper than Prozac or inpatient therapy.
If only my shins would stop crying and my calves would stop bellowing for thier mother.
I think I'm taking a long hot bath and going to be early.
Monday, May 28, 2007
A day to myself
wanted to do Yoga yesterday afternoon, but the class was canceled due to the holiday weekend. So I did a half hour of cardio and about 30 minutes or so of strength training. I can believe how litte upper body strengh I have.
I did have some quiona salad after my work out as I felt rather tired and weak {pretty good and easy to make, cooked quinoa, corn, black beans, green peppers, any other veggies you like with salsa and a little veggie stock to thin it out. very high fiber, high protein and lots of vitamins and minerals, also low salt depending on the salsa you use, I used Paul Newmans mild, delicous}, but it may not have been enough.
After my work out and hot tub time, I watched tv in the lounge and read for awhile, then visted Warren.
I say it may not have been enough, as by the time I went to see Warren I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was also supremely cranky, and over sensitive.
After leaving Warren I stopped and got some movies at Blockbuster, so I could have a me day, and easy day today, since I'm not going anywhere. Per my usual ecletcic self I snagged: Monty Python Live, The Wall - Pink Floyd, Men in Black {always funny no matter how often I watch it} and Beowulf and Grendel {I'm nothing if not hard to figure out}. Right now I"m watching Monty Python. {hold the SPAM}.
But afterwards at the grocery store was the hardest It took me almost over and hour to get thru, {not unuusal given my label reading obsession}, but afterwards at the stupid self checkout, I nearly had a breakdown when it wouldn't scan my damn blackberries {I love those little purple delights}, thankfully the checker in charge was able to reason with the computer sytem.
I knew it was my bloodsugar when on the way home I devoured my blackberries {1/2 pint} and was soon feeling much better. At home I had some Sole, some broccoli slaw, some sugar snap peas, and some more quinoa salad with a small piece of whole wheat bread. I also had two {plain} cups of green tea and half a bottle of kombuchu. I was so much better and ready to go.
so much so I shelled and ate about ounces or more of unsalted peanuts. I'm not sure what that did for my diet.
I woke up this monring feeling tired weak and cranky again. I had some kashi and almond milk with strawberries and peaches. I don't feel weak and cranky, but I still feel hungry. I'm not sure what I want.
Aside from walking down to get the paper I think I'll just take it easy today. I am so sick of being stuck in the 170's for over a month now. I'm just not even going to think about anything today, but relaxing and getting myself prepared for the week ahead.
To borrow a quote from airplane, "Looks Like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines"
May all my fellow Americans have a safe, fun and happy Memorial Day, but let us not forget the true reason for the day, while we are stuffing our faces and burning our buns.
I did have some quiona salad after my work out as I felt rather tired and weak {pretty good and easy to make, cooked quinoa, corn, black beans, green peppers, any other veggies you like with salsa and a little veggie stock to thin it out. very high fiber, high protein and lots of vitamins and minerals, also low salt depending on the salsa you use, I used Paul Newmans mild, delicous}, but it may not have been enough.
After my work out and hot tub time, I watched tv in the lounge and read for awhile, then visted Warren.
I say it may not have been enough, as by the time I went to see Warren I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was also supremely cranky, and over sensitive.
After leaving Warren I stopped and got some movies at Blockbuster, so I could have a me day, and easy day today, since I'm not going anywhere. Per my usual ecletcic self I snagged: Monty Python Live, The Wall - Pink Floyd, Men in Black {always funny no matter how often I watch it} and Beowulf and Grendel {I'm nothing if not hard to figure out}. Right now I"m watching Monty Python. {hold the SPAM}.
But afterwards at the grocery store was the hardest It took me almost over and hour to get thru, {not unuusal given my label reading obsession}, but afterwards at the stupid self checkout, I nearly had a breakdown when it wouldn't scan my damn blackberries {I love those little purple delights}, thankfully the checker in charge was able to reason with the computer sytem.
I knew it was my bloodsugar when on the way home I devoured my blackberries {1/2 pint} and was soon feeling much better. At home I had some Sole, some broccoli slaw, some sugar snap peas, and some more quinoa salad with a small piece of whole wheat bread. I also had two {plain} cups of green tea and half a bottle of kombuchu. I was so much better and ready to go.
so much so I shelled and ate about ounces or more of unsalted peanuts. I'm not sure what that did for my diet.
I woke up this monring feeling tired weak and cranky again. I had some kashi and almond milk with strawberries and peaches. I don't feel weak and cranky, but I still feel hungry. I'm not sure what I want.
Aside from walking down to get the paper I think I'll just take it easy today. I am so sick of being stuck in the 170's for over a month now. I'm just not even going to think about anything today, but relaxing and getting myself prepared for the week ahead.
To borrow a quote from airplane, "Looks Like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines"
May all my fellow Americans have a safe, fun and happy Memorial Day, but let us not forget the true reason for the day, while we are stuffing our faces and burning our buns.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Sit down, shut up and hang on
Its a good thing I'm on meds and have discovered the thrill of daily cardio workout {along with the hot tub in the lockerroom} or I would be going apeshit and having major breakdown right about now.
Somebody in the Cass County legal system needs to take off thier head and screw it back on correctly, as it is definately threaded on wrong.
I got home Friday night around 10ish, after visiting Warren and making another visit to the gym {have i mentioned how much I love that place}, to find a message on my machine from Brad {son's PO}, that there is another detention hearing on my son Tuesday the 29th at 1pm. Okay first of all, there was originally a court date at 10 am that day, which was negated when Warren plead out at his last court date. so I told work I coudl work my normal hours, which they are expecting. Second of all it is a 3 day holiday weekend {Memorial day for any readers not in the US/familiar with US holidays}, and I won't be at work until Tuesday. Thankfully it is the end of the month not the begining, but with a new catalog hitting customers we will still abe busy. Second of all, I need more than a three hour notice to get time off. Since it is aforementioned three day holiday weekend there will be nobody of power or use in anyplace UNTIL Tuesday, a little late to start screwing things around. WTF. I am pretty sure everyone else knew about this well beforehand, but as the mother of the child in question I am apparently the one they feel the least need to keep in the f***** loop. I really feel the need to hurt someone, but I have no access to the people who need to have thier asses kicked with a steel toed boot.
In other news these same idiots in power are now trying to tell me my son has sexual issues. {to be polite}. My son has never touched anyone or made any inappropriate comments to anyone to my knowlege. With all his issues, that one has never been mentioned even once by any of his doctores, or teachers.
He is frustrated, worried, upset and probably a dozen other emotions. He has no access to booze, video games, computers or friends. He is releaving stress with the one thing no once can take away from him. Yes he may be having some issues of being seen in his room during room checks,but hello, He is a 13 year old boy, find me a boy who doesn't enjoy that activity {straight, gay, bi, or unknown it doesn't matter it applies to all males}, than he is probably more dysfuntional, religously oppressed or an unic}. It is pretty much a universal activty enjoyed by all males from the day they first discover that body part. If he were doing it in the day room, or talking about it to others, they might have an issue, but in what he percieves as "his" room, not so much. Yes he probably should have stopped once he realized he could get "caught" so to speak, but really, that still doesn't put him in the same category as those who prey on others. Stupid stupid over eager professionals looking for trouble.
I got the schedule from the Y, and I can do Yoga {beginner} on Sunday afternoons and Pilates one day a week in the evenings. I may get something resmembling muscles on me yet. When it comes to upper body strength I'm like a fluffy kitten. Way to damn "girly" for my liking.
I gave blood on Thurdsay morning at work {we have a drive every three months or so} and when they advise you not to work out for a day or so, they aren't just being over cautious. I didn't listen and while I was able to work out, I was so exhausted that night, like I've never been before. Even the next day. IT took me almost 24 hours to fully recover {I wonder if that's how long it took my body to replace the blood and get enough glucose to my brain}. I'm actually almost over the stiffness now. I think there may be a muscle developing somewhere under that fluff {yes I know it takes more than three days, I have so little, give me this illusion okay}.
But hot tubs are better than Advil for sore muscles, especially if they have really nice strong jets. Whatever I may hate about my job, getting this discount {half price in my case}, is one hell of a great perk. Working in the health/alternative industry certainly has it's advantages.
With the gym, support groups {need to find taht alanon meeting}, work out classes, for the first time in my life, I am actually having something resembling a life. the UU church doesn't meet ove the summer {except for a pro-PRIDE service the first week in June}, but they have some RE groups in the summer I may take advantage of.
Who is this girl and what happened to the fat quiet miserable basket case she replaced? I'm not used to this? there must be a pod somewhere, or a factory ala Stepford in reverse.
I'm on the ride, I might as well enjoy it.
Starting with some Johnny Depp this afternoon. I was disapointed with the second one,but you could tell with all of them that Johnny was like a deprived child given an all you can grab shopping spree at Toys R Us. He was having the time of his life and that alone is worth the price of admission. I love me some Johnny in Pie-rat {neener neener} gear. Especially on the Extreme screen where I can play count the pores.
Somebody in the Cass County legal system needs to take off thier head and screw it back on correctly, as it is definately threaded on wrong.
I got home Friday night around 10ish, after visiting Warren and making another visit to the gym {have i mentioned how much I love that place}, to find a message on my machine from Brad {son's PO}, that there is another detention hearing on my son Tuesday the 29th at 1pm. Okay first of all, there was originally a court date at 10 am that day, which was negated when Warren plead out at his last court date. so I told work I coudl work my normal hours, which they are expecting. Second of all it is a 3 day holiday weekend {Memorial day for any readers not in the US/familiar with US holidays}, and I won't be at work until Tuesday. Thankfully it is the end of the month not the begining, but with a new catalog hitting customers we will still abe busy. Second of all, I need more than a three hour notice to get time off. Since it is aforementioned three day holiday weekend there will be nobody of power or use in anyplace UNTIL Tuesday, a little late to start screwing things around. WTF. I am pretty sure everyone else knew about this well beforehand, but as the mother of the child in question I am apparently the one they feel the least need to keep in the f***** loop. I really feel the need to hurt someone, but I have no access to the people who need to have thier asses kicked with a steel toed boot.
In other news these same idiots in power are now trying to tell me my son has sexual issues. {to be polite}. My son has never touched anyone or made any inappropriate comments to anyone to my knowlege. With all his issues, that one has never been mentioned even once by any of his doctores, or teachers.
He is frustrated, worried, upset and probably a dozen other emotions. He has no access to booze, video games, computers or friends. He is releaving stress with the one thing no once can take away from him. Yes he may be having some issues of being seen in his room during room checks,but hello, He is a 13 year old boy, find me a boy who doesn't enjoy that activity {straight, gay, bi, or unknown it doesn't matter it applies to all males}, than he is probably more dysfuntional, religously oppressed or an unic}. It is pretty much a universal activty enjoyed by all males from the day they first discover that body part. If he were doing it in the day room, or talking about it to others, they might have an issue, but in what he percieves as "his" room, not so much. Yes he probably should have stopped once he realized he could get "caught" so to speak, but really, that still doesn't put him in the same category as those who prey on others. Stupid stupid over eager professionals looking for trouble.
I got the schedule from the Y, and I can do Yoga {beginner} on Sunday afternoons and Pilates one day a week in the evenings. I may get something resmembling muscles on me yet. When it comes to upper body strength I'm like a fluffy kitten. Way to damn "girly" for my liking.
I gave blood on Thurdsay morning at work {we have a drive every three months or so} and when they advise you not to work out for a day or so, they aren't just being over cautious. I didn't listen and while I was able to work out, I was so exhausted that night, like I've never been before. Even the next day. IT took me almost 24 hours to fully recover {I wonder if that's how long it took my body to replace the blood and get enough glucose to my brain}. I'm actually almost over the stiffness now. I think there may be a muscle developing somewhere under that fluff {yes I know it takes more than three days, I have so little, give me this illusion okay}.
But hot tubs are better than Advil for sore muscles, especially if they have really nice strong jets. Whatever I may hate about my job, getting this discount {half price in my case}, is one hell of a great perk. Working in the health/alternative industry certainly has it's advantages.
With the gym, support groups {need to find taht alanon meeting}, work out classes, for the first time in my life, I am actually having something resembling a life. the UU church doesn't meet ove the summer {except for a pro-PRIDE service the first week in June}, but they have some RE groups in the summer I may take advantage of.
Who is this girl and what happened to the fat quiet miserable basket case she replaced? I'm not used to this? there must be a pod somewhere, or a factory ala Stepford in reverse.
I'm on the ride, I might as well enjoy it.
Starting with some Johnny Depp this afternoon. I was disapointed with the second one,but you could tell with all of them that Johnny was like a deprived child given an all you can grab shopping spree at Toys R Us. He was having the time of his life and that alone is worth the price of admission. I love me some Johnny in Pie-rat {neener neener} gear. Especially on the Extreme screen where I can play count the pores.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
pain pain go away
finally gave in broke down and did what I needed to do. I signed up for the Y. If I am paying for it {even if its half price,, there are somethings I do love about my job}, I will be more likely to use it.
I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.
I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.
My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.
The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.
Amazingly I'm not even hungry.
My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.
I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.
My head is ready to explode.
I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.
I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.
My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.
The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.
Amazingly I'm not even hungry.
My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.
I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.
My head is ready to explode.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Life sucks
9:11 PM - when I make other plans, life decides to happen
Current mood: drained
Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.
When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.
There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.
But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.
Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.
So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.
I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.
I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.
And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.
One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.
Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.
I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.
But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.
Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had
Current mood: drained
Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.
When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.
There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.
But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.
Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.
So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.
I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.
I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.
And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.
One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.
Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.
I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.
But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.
Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had
Saturday, May 19, 2007
free association rambling
What type of Fae are you?
Okay, that is rather scary. I would say I rather resemble that description a little more than I'd like. I've often felt like a changling to be honest.
Today has been a mostly good day, or at least it was until I got the mail.
Work was slow and boring. Though I did have one "lovely" {in quotes because I"m being sarcastic and you can't hear my typing}, lady who wanted to be taken off our mailing list {something we often do, no big deal}, because in her words "it was a violation of her personal space". She even taped the conversation. Good grief lady.. I"d be happy to take you off the list, but don't act as though I walked into your house and sat at the table during breakfast to try and push q-gel on you over your morning coffee. And don't get your attitude in my face, about how You don't wanto be referred adn we will do this that and the the other. I know where you live. I am a devious and mean person. Piss me off and you will lead a "very intersting life". Okay, I'd never actually do anything {not illegal anyway}, but sheesh. Toss it away and get on with your freaking life, assuming anybody with ass cheeks that tight actually has one.
Since it was so dead, I got to leave early. I didn't want to go home, and I was still a bit hungry so I wander Hornbacher's Express for 30 minutes to find something to eat, that wasn't completely crap and had something resembling a vitamin in it.
I ended up stalling for time outside the juvy center anyway, just reading and listening to the radio. Than I spent an hour or so with Warren.
I also had a lovely converstation with another lady whose daughter was also in. Very intersting. It seems we have a lot in common, scary. She is also the third person to confirm certain rumors I didn't believe when my son told them to me. But which has since been confirmed by other parties who would have no reason to lie to me. I guess I should believe him sometimes. Seems I really am living in Peyton Place. I can't disclose the rumors, but it is definately an "Area 51" situation. A big secret that everybody knows about, but acts like they don't, unless they need to. I'm begging to wonder what else I should believe that I thought was a lie. Man I really did grow up way too naive.
But anyways.
After I visted Warren, I treated myself to some time out. I went to see Shrek the Third. I even splurged on a junior popcorn {hold the saltified butter flavored oil product}, and a bottled water {I'm such a wild child I know}. The movie was great. Not nearly as funny as the first two, but it definately had some great laughs. If you get a chance, do go see it.
Than I came home and made the mistake of checking my mail. I got copies of paperwork from DJS, just stupid release forms, which they sent me double copies of. A reminder of things I am still comming to terms with. And a nasty letter from my bank in regaards to my lack of wealth. I have money, just not nearly enough.
Yesterday I found a great like new blender at a local thrift store. So now I'm getting smoothie happy. I made a great one for breakfast, with enough left over that I had a small one when I got home. I call it mango berry. IT s just soy yougurt, mango, strawberries, some frozen black and blue berries and a bit of almond milk with a small bit of wheat germ oil. {yes I am becomming one of those annoying almost non dairy people}.
I had a Okara {soy product} Chikin {no birds died to make it} patty on Dakota bread {Great Harvest has the worlds second greatest bread. Fresh ground flour, and this kind has pumpkin seeds adn flax and nuts and millet.. good stuff}, with spinach salad.
I actually did and entire vegetarian day. I"m so proud of myself. I'm not a full vegetarian yet, unless fish and eggs get reclassified as plants, but I am this close. I'm just not ready to give up teh fish, and I have yet to find anything that comes close to a substitute for eggs. But lets hear it for over a year with no pig, three months with no cow or buffalo, and about 2 months with no chicken.
I never planned to give up the moo juice, it just sort of happened. I've gone over to the dark side.
Or I could be an ICthy-Ovo veg {with ocassional lacto for a cheese treat. Veggie cheese, at least the ones I've tried are just gross}. Tofurky is passible, the Phony-bolonga tastes like bologna which isn't all that good of a thing, and the tofu pepperoni is just gross. But the soy sausage and the Okara chicken are pretty decent. They never fool anyone into thinking they are real meat, but they taste decent on thier own.
I think its time for bed. Even I can't follow my train of thought anymore
Okay, that is rather scary. I would say I rather resemble that description a little more than I'd like. I've often felt like a changling to be honest.
Today has been a mostly good day, or at least it was until I got the mail.
Work was slow and boring. Though I did have one "lovely" {in quotes because I"m being sarcastic and you can't hear my typing}, lady who wanted to be taken off our mailing list {something we often do, no big deal}, because in her words "it was a violation of her personal space". She even taped the conversation. Good grief lady.. I"d be happy to take you off the list, but don't act as though I walked into your house and sat at the table during breakfast to try and push q-gel on you over your morning coffee. And don't get your attitude in my face, about how You don't wanto be referred adn we will do this that and the the other. I know where you live. I am a devious and mean person. Piss me off and you will lead a "very intersting life". Okay, I'd never actually do anything {not illegal anyway}, but sheesh. Toss it away and get on with your freaking life, assuming anybody with ass cheeks that tight actually has one.
Since it was so dead, I got to leave early. I didn't want to go home, and I was still a bit hungry so I wander Hornbacher's Express for 30 minutes to find something to eat, that wasn't completely crap and had something resembling a vitamin in it.
I ended up stalling for time outside the juvy center anyway, just reading and listening to the radio. Than I spent an hour or so with Warren.
I also had a lovely converstation with another lady whose daughter was also in. Very intersting. It seems we have a lot in common, scary. She is also the third person to confirm certain rumors I didn't believe when my son told them to me. But which has since been confirmed by other parties who would have no reason to lie to me. I guess I should believe him sometimes. Seems I really am living in Peyton Place. I can't disclose the rumors, but it is definately an "Area 51" situation. A big secret that everybody knows about, but acts like they don't, unless they need to. I'm begging to wonder what else I should believe that I thought was a lie. Man I really did grow up way too naive.
But anyways.
After I visted Warren, I treated myself to some time out. I went to see Shrek the Third. I even splurged on a junior popcorn {hold the saltified butter flavored oil product}, and a bottled water {I'm such a wild child I know}. The movie was great. Not nearly as funny as the first two, but it definately had some great laughs. If you get a chance, do go see it.
Than I came home and made the mistake of checking my mail. I got copies of paperwork from DJS, just stupid release forms, which they sent me double copies of. A reminder of things I am still comming to terms with. And a nasty letter from my bank in regaards to my lack of wealth. I have money, just not nearly enough.
Yesterday I found a great like new blender at a local thrift store. So now I'm getting smoothie happy. I made a great one for breakfast, with enough left over that I had a small one when I got home. I call it mango berry. IT s just soy yougurt, mango, strawberries, some frozen black and blue berries and a bit of almond milk with a small bit of wheat germ oil. {yes I am becomming one of those annoying almost non dairy people}.
I had a Okara {soy product} Chikin {no birds died to make it} patty on Dakota bread {Great Harvest has the worlds second greatest bread. Fresh ground flour, and this kind has pumpkin seeds adn flax and nuts and millet.. good stuff}, with spinach salad.
I actually did and entire vegetarian day. I"m so proud of myself. I'm not a full vegetarian yet, unless fish and eggs get reclassified as plants, but I am this close. I'm just not ready to give up teh fish, and I have yet to find anything that comes close to a substitute for eggs. But lets hear it for over a year with no pig, three months with no cow or buffalo, and about 2 months with no chicken.
I never planned to give up the moo juice, it just sort of happened. I've gone over to the dark side.
Or I could be an ICthy-Ovo veg {with ocassional lacto for a cheese treat. Veggie cheese, at least the ones I've tried are just gross}. Tofurky is passible, the Phony-bolonga tastes like bologna which isn't all that good of a thing, and the tofu pepperoni is just gross. But the soy sausage and the Okara chicken are pretty decent. They never fool anyone into thinking they are real meat, but they taste decent on thier own.
I think its time for bed. Even I can't follow my train of thought anymore
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
almost over and done
edited : Slight Retraction: Ignore what I said about Jerry Lee, I had Jerry Falwell confused with Jimmy Swaggert. it still makes for a very intersting family dynamic though. Clearly the showman gene runs in the family And Jerry Falwell, was still a blowhard full of hot air.
I haven't updated for awhile, because of a number of reasons. Partially because of being busy, and partially because I"m still having a hard time comming to grips with certain things.
Its all over with Warren, except the official paperwork and final placement. He plead out to 5 of the charges that were against him and the state dropped the other two {the two biggies}. He is now a ward of the juvenille system for one year. They are hoping to get him intto a place close to here, if possible, but they are all full right now. And in order to get on the list I first need to fill out 500 or so forms and find copies of his birth certificate, social security card, stundent id, my custody decree, the restraining order against the idiot, and proof of child support owed. Oh and I could have been on a waiting list earlier but I hadn't filled out a form, I didnt' know I was supposed to ask for, because the guy who could have given it to me {Brad the PO}, never told me about it. Don't you just love red tape.
On the bright side this means I am done with court for now, and while Warren was a little upset at first, his attourney did a fairly good job of spelling out the cold hard facts of what he was up against, and he was quick to accept the reality of the situation, and that I did what I thought was best. One of the hardest parts of motherhood isn't protecting your kids from the scary monsters of the world, the hot stoves and the speeding cars, it is when you find yourself having to protect your child from himself. {and having his so called "friends" carve the word bitch in your front door to thank you for your efforts. And before you ask, yes I did file a police report}.
The idiot of course also had his lawyer present who just got the case a day or so ago, so wasn't up to speed. He was still trying to get the wife of his friends brother to help act as caretakeer while I was at work. I barely know here, and school will be out in a week or so. IT was so not an option. Warren wanted it to be, but accepted that it wasn't going to happen. He doesn't like it, but I think reality has finally sunk in. I hope.
I'm still not really ready to talk about everything that is going thru my head. I know I"ve did the best I could with what I had, and I love my son more than anything. But I can't help feeling like I failed somewhere. My son saw what drinking did to his father. He knew exactly how I felt, we had talked about drugs and alcohol many many times, and yet he chose to drink anyway. He chose to steal and hang out with the kids who had bad reputations, getting himself one in the process. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I feel like somewhere I did or didn't do something I should have. I find myself replaying his entire childhood event by event.
I'm working on coming to terms with my own emotions but it isn't an easy process.
Strange now that I have a car, one would think I would have more time to fit more things in, but I seem to have even less.
My company is a corporate partner with the local Y, and they now have a program where they will pay 20 dollars per month towards a membership in any gym for any employee. I could have a gym membership for practically nothing, and yet instead of racing down to take advantage, I can't even seem to find the time to get there, and I keep finding excuses as to why I won't have time to work out, blah blah.. I don't get it. I used to be out of the house at 6:45, now I can barely roll out of bed before 7am. I"m getting so lazy.
I may just have to force myself to sign up and get my but out of bed early again, so I can work out in the am's. Maybe then I won't be so exhausted by 3pm.
Jerry Falwell passed away, yet his least favorite cousin, Jerry Lee "the killer" Lewis is still going strong , or at least still going.. I guess being self righteious, and judgemental doesn't buy you everything. I find it hard enough to believe they come from the same family tree, but finding out they grew up next to each other and played together as kids??, Man that must have been one intersting family. {thier mothers were sisters, I beileve}. I bet holidays in that family were a hoot.
The wind has died down finally, so instead of sitting here watchign my ass get wider, I think I'm going to go for a walk and see if I can break in my new shoes. {Is there a woman out there, who can restist those two famous words "shoe sale", especially when she really really needs to say good bye to some worn out favorites, and replace them}.
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