170 - party time

I'm down another pound today. granted I was probably a bit on the dehydrated side when I weighed myself, but it was all me, so it counts.

I slept in until about 7 ish this morning. {sounds early but when you are normally up and at 'em at 5 am, 7 is quite nice. }. I was so hot already. But I"m not going to complian lest the rain and wind come back.

I just sort of lazed around most of the morning. I had a salmon burger {my own made from canned salmon} for breakfast, with a nectarine later.

I also did a power walk to the store for rhe paper. Despite temps already in the 90's and humidity about 80 percent or more I managed to do it in 23 minutes. Allowing for store time to buy the paper that works out to about a 14 minute mile. I'm impressed.

for lunch I was lazy and not very hungry, so I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and an apple, with the last of the almond milk {unsweetened}.

This turned out to be a bad idea.

I went to vist Warren from 2 - 3. After than I went to the gym and did 30 minutes of elliptical training. {over 2 miles and 280 calories burned}. I acutally had it iup to 12/13 mph, but I couldnt' keep it there very long. I also did about 30 minutes or so of weight lifting. I am much improved, but I am still nto nearly as strong as I would like to be. I am keeping track of my progress. I can see some mucles, but not neccesarily where I would like them. I was also feeling a bit on the weak side form the elliptical and from not drinking enough, or probably eating enough.

I went back to the locker room and enjoyed some sauna time. I'm not normally a big sauna fan, but sometimes I love a good sweat. It feel so cleansing and healthy {tough I would recommend extreme caution to anyone with a medical condition}. I also had a lovely relax in the hot tub. Those high powered jets make great masseuses.

I ran in to a mom I knew from Juvy {we have kids in similiar boats, so it was nice to actaully talk to some one.

By the time I got showered, dressed and out of the Y it was almost 6 oclock. I still have no idea how that much time slipped away.

After that I went to Erberts and Gerberts, since a} I was starving and b} I had a 5 dollar gift certificate from work {I get them a very happy well speding customer rthey give me a free cheap lunch}. So I got a Jacob Bluefinger, minus the cheese and mayo, {the only vegetarian entree on the menu}. and a water. It isn't much a veggie sub {lettuce tomato sprouts with avacado spread on wheat colored white bread}. I only ate half of it, cause I wasn't impressed, but I was quite hungry. It held me over while I spent and hour trying not to spend too much at the grocery store, but doing it anyway.

Then it was on to real torture. Swim suit shopping. TJ Maxx was having {supposedly} a big sale on name bran suits for a frraction of the price. Too bad they only had one piddly little rack, most of which were teeny bikini's, some in my size {were I boobless}, but none I'd be caught dead wearing in public. I tried on every one piece {or two piece supposed to look like one}. While I discovered I can wear a ten when it is made of lycra and spandex. I really can't wear it in public for some time. I must have tried on 1000 suits {or maybe it just felt that way}.

Aside, why do suit manufacturers assume that if you can fit into a smaller size {compared to my prev 28's, 12's are tiny}, that you also have little boobs. I have D cups {used to be dd}. I also have no tone, so they look like water balloons. With my suits I look squished in and spilling over. I finally just settled on one that I wasn't thrilled with, but it would work. If it didn't have that stupid skirt over hang, it would be very nice. I hate skirts and I hate flowers {on clothes, on me}. But it will work.

My stupid bargain basement Walmart suit, was a piece of crap. The elastic is already shot. I never even machine washed it. Just rinsed it out in the shower and then wrang it out in the extracter. I guess it was designed for ocassinal sunbathing and very little actual swimming. I need something that is made to take lots of use. Let's hope this is a better deal. I can't afford to buy and expenisive suit, but I need a good one that will take all I can dishout. Lets hope this will work for now.

dinner was a 3.3 oz piece of Wild caught Creek river salmon, a bunch of asparagus tips and a bunch of broccoli. I also made a fruite smoothie. I'm still hungry, I do have a nice large bag of cherries calling to me. .

I'm 170 pounds. Snoop Dance time. Any day now I'll officially be in the 160's. I haven't been this small since middle school. Its a real trip I'm telling you.

170 170 170

distant ships on the horizon

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.

Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.

After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.

Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.

Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.

I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom

morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.

I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.

My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.

I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.

Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info