pain pain go away

finally gave in broke down and did what I needed to do. I signed up for the Y. If I am paying for it {even if its half price,, there are somethings I do love about my job}, I will be more likely to use it.

I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.

I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.

My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.

The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.

Amazingly I'm not even hungry.

My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.

I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.

My head is ready to explode.

Life sucks

9:11 PM - when I make other plans, life decides to happen
Current mood: drained


Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.



When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.



There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.



But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.



Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.



So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.



I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.



I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.



And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.



One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.



Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.



I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.



But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.



Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.



I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had