lots of stuff

I did yoga yesterday afternoon. I"m not nearly as flexible as the teacher, or some of the other students, but for a first timer I suprised myself with what I could do. My teacher even gave me a good on my Warrior I. Towards the end I felt like I could fall asleep, I think I almost understand what they mean by a meditative state. My mind wasnt' a complete blank,but I did feel more focused, inward instead of on everything else that was going on.

I must have really taken alot out of me, though I couldnt' even make it back to visit Warren for evening. I was so exhausted. I was ready for bed by 8:30, but I couldn't seem to get comforatable or get to sleep. Between the yoga and the weights from Saturday I was more than a little stiff and achey. Finally after an epsom salt bath and some Aleve {and my regular meds - lamictal and benydryl}, I was able to fall asleep by 9:30ish. I must have really been exhausted, I set my alarm to go off radio instead of buzzer, so I totally didnt' hear it, and ended up sleepign until 6:30. I had plenty of time to get to work, but water aerobics was a total bust {class is 6am to 7am}.

I feel much better right now.

Warren has finally been accepted to three different facilities. The closest one {Fergus Falls} won't have an opening for 8 weeks {unless djs can pull something off} so it looks like it will either be Masabi {Iron range in Northern Minnesota} or Woodworth {just outside DesMoines}. Masabi would be more convient, but my dads sister Nina {Nine-a, not Neena}, and my cousin Karen live in a suburb of DesMoines, so that has good and bad advantages. I'm kind of torn right now.

After work I decided to celebrate finally having some good news and treated myself to a meal out {somethign I havne't done in a long time}. On my way to see Warren there is an Indian restaurant. I go by it many times. I finally stopped in to check them out. They are a bit pricer than I expected, but the food was awesome.

It started with some crisp lentil bread {I can't remember what she called it}, with a mint sauce of some kind and a tandoori sauce. It was a bit exotic, but really quite good. It must have been. I couldnt' stop eating it.

I ordered the Baingan Bharta, which was heavenly. Ther was also enough food for 2 or 3 people. I will definately be back when they have the buffet. I'm so glad to have finally found a place with a whole menu section that is vegetarian. I have enough for lunch tommorrow and maybe even the day after.

I also bit the bullet and decided to sign up for our local YMCA's team in the American Heart Association walk. The walk {not race, or marathon, whew} is on August 16th.

I'm not really one to go around knocking on doors and begging people for money, but I am planning to print out a poster and put it up at work so people who want to donate can. That way they can come to me, no pressure.

I also have a page if anyone wants to check it out. I set my fund raising goal at the lowest. I'd love to get a free t-shirt just to have something to remember it by, to remind myself of what I did, and why I did it.

If you would like to dinate you can donate online, or print out a form to mail in to the American Heart Association. If you do donate, please drop me an email, or a private message to let me know, so I can make sure I get credit towards my fund raising goal.

If you feel comfortable sending me your name and address, I'd be happy to send you a postcard from lovely North Dakota. I would like to send out bigger prizes, but I'm financially tapped.

My personal email is warrensmom@gmail.com

170 - party time

I'm down another pound today. granted I was probably a bit on the dehydrated side when I weighed myself, but it was all me, so it counts.

I slept in until about 7 ish this morning. {sounds early but when you are normally up and at 'em at 5 am, 7 is quite nice. }. I was so hot already. But I"m not going to complian lest the rain and wind come back.

I just sort of lazed around most of the morning. I had a salmon burger {my own made from canned salmon} for breakfast, with a nectarine later.

I also did a power walk to the store for rhe paper. Despite temps already in the 90's and humidity about 80 percent or more I managed to do it in 23 minutes. Allowing for store time to buy the paper that works out to about a 14 minute mile. I'm impressed.

for lunch I was lazy and not very hungry, so I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and an apple, with the last of the almond milk {unsweetened}.

This turned out to be a bad idea.

I went to vist Warren from 2 - 3. After than I went to the gym and did 30 minutes of elliptical training. {over 2 miles and 280 calories burned}. I acutally had it iup to 12/13 mph, but I couldnt' keep it there very long. I also did about 30 minutes or so of weight lifting. I am much improved, but I am still nto nearly as strong as I would like to be. I am keeping track of my progress. I can see some mucles, but not neccesarily where I would like them. I was also feeling a bit on the weak side form the elliptical and from not drinking enough, or probably eating enough.

I went back to the locker room and enjoyed some sauna time. I'm not normally a big sauna fan, but sometimes I love a good sweat. It feel so cleansing and healthy {tough I would recommend extreme caution to anyone with a medical condition}. I also had a lovely relax in the hot tub. Those high powered jets make great masseuses.

I ran in to a mom I knew from Juvy {we have kids in similiar boats, so it was nice to actaully talk to some one.

By the time I got showered, dressed and out of the Y it was almost 6 oclock. I still have no idea how that much time slipped away.

After that I went to Erberts and Gerberts, since a} I was starving and b} I had a 5 dollar gift certificate from work {I get them a very happy well speding customer rthey give me a free cheap lunch}. So I got a Jacob Bluefinger, minus the cheese and mayo, {the only vegetarian entree on the menu}. and a water. It isn't much a veggie sub {lettuce tomato sprouts with avacado spread on wheat colored white bread}. I only ate half of it, cause I wasn't impressed, but I was quite hungry. It held me over while I spent and hour trying not to spend too much at the grocery store, but doing it anyway.

Then it was on to real torture. Swim suit shopping. TJ Maxx was having {supposedly} a big sale on name bran suits for a frraction of the price. Too bad they only had one piddly little rack, most of which were teeny bikini's, some in my size {were I boobless}, but none I'd be caught dead wearing in public. I tried on every one piece {or two piece supposed to look like one}. While I discovered I can wear a ten when it is made of lycra and spandex. I really can't wear it in public for some time. I must have tried on 1000 suits {or maybe it just felt that way}.

Aside, why do suit manufacturers assume that if you can fit into a smaller size {compared to my prev 28's, 12's are tiny}, that you also have little boobs. I have D cups {used to be dd}. I also have no tone, so they look like water balloons. With my suits I look squished in and spilling over. I finally just settled on one that I wasn't thrilled with, but it would work. If it didn't have that stupid skirt over hang, it would be very nice. I hate skirts and I hate flowers {on clothes, on me}. But it will work.

My stupid bargain basement Walmart suit, was a piece of crap. The elastic is already shot. I never even machine washed it. Just rinsed it out in the shower and then wrang it out in the extracter. I guess it was designed for ocassinal sunbathing and very little actual swimming. I need something that is made to take lots of use. Let's hope this is a better deal. I can't afford to buy and expenisive suit, but I need a good one that will take all I can dishout. Lets hope this will work for now.

dinner was a 3.3 oz piece of Wild caught Creek river salmon, a bunch of asparagus tips and a bunch of broccoli. I also made a fruite smoothie. I'm still hungry, I do have a nice large bag of cherries calling to me. .

I'm 170 pounds. Snoop Dance time. Any day now I'll officially be in the 160's. I haven't been this small since middle school. Its a real trip I'm telling you.

170 170 170

14 years ago

Ahh the joys and miserys of womanhood. This morning I woke up with all the classic signs of a damn UTI {urinary tract infection}. Nothing makes work fun, like peeing every 20 minutes, or at least feeling like you have to.

Of course that meant going to the clinic and spending an hour plus in waiting room chairs for 20 minutes of attention to find out proof of what I already know. My urine was so dilute they weren't sure if I had one or not, though I did have white blood cells. Fortunately I've been down this road many times. So I knew the symptoms quite well. Luckily the doctor ws a good one, so i have three days of antibiotics, and some pain pills that will turn my pee orange. {cool}.

Its been several years since I've had one. I wonder if the pool could have anything to do with it. I drink tons of water, eat extremely healthy {80 percent of the time}, and wipe front to back. who knows.

Its kind of ironic that the worst bladder/kidney infection I had was 14 years ago. I was 6 months pregnant with the now teenager and my uti managed to progress to my kidneys, while I flu virus decided to hitch along for the tun. I wound up in the hospital for a week, on IV fluids and drugs. I was so dehydrated when they admitted me, I had reached the point where I couldn't even keep water down. I had my one and thankfully ONLY catheter. Not an experience I ever care to repeat.

I remember it also because some cardioogist with bad handwriting mistook my room for someone elses and started talking to me about heart issues in a down syndrome baby. I freaked, until he quickly realized thru our convesation that I was the wrong mother. I still wonder about that other mother and if things went well with her baby. I sure hope so.

I think I am probably the only woman I know who lost weight by becomming pregnant, but continous round the clock all day morning sickness will do that to you.

On the other hand a constant craving for milk and eggs, does have its benifits. Warren waas born long skinny and solid muscle, or at least it seemed that way.

It was 14 years ago tonight I went to sleep a single free woman and woke up the next moring at 5 am, with the not so gently stab of labor pains, that reminded me an awful lot of being ran thru a ringer. Who was I to know I hadn't seen anything yet.

I quickly realized that my child {who at this point I was still convinced was a gril} was gearing up to make his appearance. I hadn't ever done this before so I got ready to head for the hospital.

I tried to wake the Idiot {than still called Mike}, but he was out, like a broken lightbulb {exhaustaion plus beer does have that effect} and would have been useless. So I did what any woman would do. I got my bag packed, climbed in my car and drove to the hospital. I was so out of it, when later asked where my car was, I had no idea other than it was in the garage. I think I sent them to the wrong space on the wrong level.

I was quickly checked into the maternity ward, where my labor was decidedly sped along thanks to haveing my water broke manually. That upped the ante in a hurry.

This was about 6 amish in the morning. Things didn't get better anytime soon. So while I was still functional, I started making phone calls. Lots of phone calls, my parents {who were practically in the car and half way to Fargo before I could finish}, my friends {who thought it was funny to get q call from someone in labor}, my employers {I had two jobs, ironically one of them was with the company i currently work for, but didn't for almost 10 years after I had Warren}. Eventually I also got a hold of the idiot to inform him his child ws on the way. He called his work, than went intto finish some "project" and ended up getting to the hospital in time to see Warren being rolled into the nursery.

I discovered not much can help with the pain of labor. Even IV demerol doesn't dull the pain, so much as put your mind where you dont' care. It was at this point I also discovered taht putting bubble bath ina jacuzzi tub, is a very bad and messy idea.

Finally about 3pm, Warren decided it was time to start his grand entrance. I can't really compare it to other labors, since he was my only, but it was sure fast. One minute they are telling me to push and get ready, by 3:23 pm I was informed I had a boy.

I had no boy names. Great.. My kid has no name... "so do you have a name".. umm

I took one look at my new little boy with the red peach fuzzy head and the first thing that came out of my mouth, was 'Hello Warren Michael". I am not sure why I picked that name, thouigh I know it came from my countless hours of watching Santa Barbara when I was sick during my pregnancy.

I guess the name must have just been in my subconsciousness. Michael was his father's name. His family always gives the son the fathers first name as a middle name, so I guess it makes sense. I had made lists and lists of girl names, thinking and trying. I had a boy and put together his name in 2 seconds.

Of course everyone couldn't help but notice he was a red head, however fuzzy. Since I am a dark blonde/light brown and Mike was a dishwater blonde {now closer to bald}, the inevitable mail man jokes, and where does that red hair come from comments adn jokes started almost right away. It seems like it was the first thing people noticed about him. than they noticed how long and skinny he was. He was all legs. Mike used to joke, that when Warren wore is green pajama's he was like a little froggy. He is still all legs.

My 7 pound 4.25 ounce, 19.5 inch baby boy. The same baby who is now almost 6 feet tall and weighs over 200 pounds. Who now has a fuzzy face and caterpiller on his lip that match the fuzz he was born with on his head.

Mike showed up after all the hard work was done, but to his credit he went out afterwards and bought me watermelon {the hospital cafeteria let me pick whatever I wanted , so they brought me some too}, and a magazine. He also slept in the hospital with me the first two nights. he also got to hold Warren before me, because I was hemmoraging bad enough afterwards, they took WArren to go get him cleaned up while they took care of me. To this day I regret that. But take comfort in the fact, it didn't sotp us from bonding.

After that I spent the next three or so days attempting to learn how to breast feed and get by sleepign in two to four hour shifts, something that would soon seem like a luxery, when I got my little opionated one home. Warren it seems was born ready to tell the world what he thought. Stubborn from the onset. He would sleep for 15 minutes at a time, unless I was holding him, than he would sleep for hours. IF I tried to put him down he would scream bloody murder. I learned to co-sleep for my sanity's sake, though Mike was always so paranoid I would drop him or roll over on him. {whatever}. It wasn't until he was almost 3 months old I realized he would sleep fine on his belly, but on his back or side, would scream. I ended up violating all sids advice to get some sleep. Kind of funny that even today, he prefers to sleep on his belly.

this is the same kid who could pull up at 6 months cruise around 7 - 8 months and by 10 months was walking/running like he'd been doing it since birth. His early years seemed almost like he was frustrated that his body wouldn't let him move and get up like he wanted to. He can walk and move fine now, but his attitude still hasnt' changed.

IT will be 14 years ago tommorrow afternoon, that I got to become his mother.

I4 years since I learned what life is really all about, and got a crash course in growing up.

I wish things were better, but whatever happens, he is my baby boy.. He is taller, heavier and much stronger than I am, but he is still my baby. I am still wrapping my head around how much he has grown.

Sometimes I look at him and I am amazed that this man in the making is my son. Can this really be my baby, the little boy I used to nurse and rock to sleep, the one who wanted me to read Dr. Suess so many times I started talking in rhymes. The little 3 year old who loved to collect rocks, who actually thought I really could blow away the Ouchies.

He's been replaced with somebody, larger than me, with a voice that sounds exactly like his fathers, who still has a wicked brilliant sense of humor, and who was blessed with mechanical abilites I will never have. But in my heart he will always be my little baby boy.

This has nothing to do wtih Warren, but I wanted to share. I am down another 2 pounds finally. I'm at 171 as of this moring. Go me.

cheating

Not too much has changed here lately, not too much going on to write about, so I'll bore you with another meme that seems to be making the rounds.

I didn't make it up, if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged.

What were you doing 10 years ago?


Ten years ago, today was 5 days before Warren's 4th birthday. I was busy plannin a party and trying to get that set up. I had moved into a new place after living in the YWCA for a couple weeks, my father had passed away the previous December and I was contemplating going back to school. Man was that a lifetime ago.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Going to work, spending time with Warren, fighting with Warren, trying to stretch a nickel into a dime, not a whole lot different from what I am doing right now, except Warren was at home and not getting into nearly so much trouble.

Five snacks you enjoy:



1. blue corn tortilla chips with salsa

2. pita chips and hummus

3. baby carrots and baba ghannousj
and tomato

4.Rye crisps with peanut butter and all fruit {or jelly}

5. Soy delicous "milk" shakes {soy delicous, fruit and soymilk, a little orange juice if needed to make it thinner, blend till drinkable}

Five songs that you know all the lyrics:
1. comfortably Numb {and most of the songs on both The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon - if you are new here I am a big Pink Floyd fan

2. Pinball Wizard by the Who {Elton Sings it in Tommy, but the Who do it better

3. Bus Stop {I think that's the name, not sure who sings it, "I'm hers she's mine, wedding bells are gonna chime"
4. Theme songs of all most all the shows I watched as a kid in the 70's and 80's{hey it counts}
5. Scads of Ann Murray {would have to say ditto on this Cosmic}, I'm extremely eclectic

Five

1. Pay off everybody I owe money to, and clean up my sucky ass credit

2. Give my mom a proper thank you for all she has done for us

3. Put my son in a private facility so I didn't have to deal with the f*** state of North Dakota

4. Buy a nice new house in a much nicer part of town {though this one is pretty nice}

5. Set up a trust fund, so my brother {and son} will always be taken care of should something happen to me, and that if I died before Warren was 18, my idiot ex wouldn't be able to touch a dime.

Five bad habits:


1. talking to much, not letting others talk.

2. obsessing about things, and then loosing interest

3. ignoring things, with the mistaken idea that they will somehow magically go away.

4. a tendancy towards know-it-all ism

5. yelling when ever I am mad, or excited or any other extreme emotion, apparently I have a voice that carries extraordinarily well, or so I've been told.

Five things you like doing:

1. reading, almost anything

2. blogging/reading blogs, cruising the net

3. watching movies

4. working out

5. learning new things

Five things you would never wear again:


1. Nylons, tights, any kind of hosery. It should be outlawed by the Geneva convention

2. heels of any kind, other than on a hiking boot, or work boot

3. skirts some may love them, but I can't stand them, which is weird because when I was younger I loved them, especially the twirly ones}

4. cotton pull on stretch fat pants {the one's I didn't give away I burned in effegy{br>
5. anything, flowery, lacey, loud, or ice cream colored.

Five favorite toys:

1. My computer.
2. My dvd player
3. My car
4. My phone
5. My I"m sure I'll think of something

I've taken variations of this many times and I always get the same thing, so it must be pretty close to the truth.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

If they say so;

What Your Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich Means

Your eating style is reserved. You are a bit of a fussy eater, and you have very specific ways you like your food prepared. You don't really have a sweet tooth. If you go for dessert, you tend to go for something light. Your taste in food tends to be quite eclectic and wide. You are an adventurous eater, and you like many types of cuisines. You belong to a class that's all your own. You resist rules and traditions of any sort. You are a tough person who isn't afraid to live life fully. There isn't a lot that scares you. You are laid back and extremely easygoing. You never make a fuss, and you try to enjoy every moment.

What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

Considering some of the changes in geography since I was in 8th grade, I'm impressed.

You Passed 8th Grade Geography

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Geography?

I'll let the last one stand on its own:

Your Ex is Histrionic

Your ex is hot and cold - a total drama queen or king. Your ex can't survive without tons of dramatics, attention, and approval. People with histrionic personality disorder are inappropriately seductive, prone to rapid mood swings, and rash decision makers. Sound at all familiar?

What's Wrong With Your Ex?

one more;


DUH

Your Stress Level is: 61%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now. Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out. Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only wa you'll get through the bad times.

How Stressed Are You?

I'm addictive and trippy {I always thought I was more exestential than surreal but that's okay. My fav artist it Edvard Munch so go figure}

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you've created a world that is all your own. It's very likely that you've either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy. You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society. You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

What Art Movement Are You?

Rain rain please please go away, and don't come back for many many days. We have so much now, that the wheat and beet fields will soon resemble rice paddys.

It poured buckets again today, and by that I mean more than the streets could handle so my normal 15 or so minute drive home took more like 45 freaking minutes as I couldnt' take the short most direct route I normally take, at least not until I outfit my Honda with pontoons and and outboard, or trade her in for something with an Evenrude. I wound up taking a path that was way long around what I normally take and still had to drive thru water half way up to my hubcaps. I wound up turning around at two different places as I wasn't about to take a chance with this car going thru water of questionable depth. I worked too hard for this baby, not going to flood her out, or worse.

if that wasn't enough, when I finally go to the last stop light near my house, I had to sit thru three lights as the city is too stupid to realize this intersection needs arrows during the peak traffic hours {like say 5:45 pm during a monsoon}, I won't even talk about the Semi that was trying to make way to narrow a turn and almost took out me and three other cars, were we not able to move, so he just wound up making some interseting marks on somebody's lawn {the boulevard part next to the street}. I know my blood pressure was ready to do a tea kettle imitation.

On the brightside I know my windshield wipers work very well, too bad they don't have one more speed on them, like say maybe a warp drive.

I did love having to run the defroster when it was about 350 degrees and 250 percent humidity though, so my windows didnt' look like I was having the kind of fun usually reserved for teenagers at a drive in.

good thing Fargo didn't take down the dike yet. I have a feeling they may just want to leave it up for awhile.

There is someting really wrong when Florida and eastern states are having dry years and we are being washed away by midwestern monsoons.

Who needs the gym. If I want to do water aerobics I just go swim across the street.

That's only a slight exaggeration.

Whine and cheeze

I hate scales. I really would like to throw them all in a pile and torch the whole things with a few mega tons of dynamite. My pants are fitting better, I am getting a little stronger and more flexible, but the bloody freaking /-/-/*-- numbers on the scale refuse to freaking budge. I have been at this same weight for almost a month now. I really want to blow something up {I am so not like most girls}.

My goal was to be at 150 by Warren's birthday. That is on the 20th only 8 days from now. I have long since realized I won't make that. I know I've come along way from the 298 I started at {312 at my heaviest} and a lot of people would be thrilled to be at 173, but I was hoping I could at least be in the 160's which while not goal some how seems so much smaller than the 170's. {its a psych thing I know}. i feel stupid for not being happier about where I am at, yet in between realizing how good I do look and how far I've come I have to fight off the urge to starve myself or do some other stupid unhealthy thing. Part of me wants to say F** it and go eat some muffins, but my rational brain is still in control and knows that's what got me in to trouble in the first place and my body deserves better. I'm just so many things right now, I dont' even know waht I am. I should be happy, but all I see is buffalo thighs, a flat watermelon butt, and a bunch of hanging skin on my legs and upper arms.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think damn?? is that me??. Other times I still see the old fat me. I guess I'm still adjusting to the new me, sometimes I'm not even sure I know the new me.


Enough whining for now. Time for some good news. {well goodnews/badnews}. Warren gets to have passes now. I got to spend two and half hours with him outside in the real world. He can have three passes a week. I also talked to DJS, and she and I and the respected involved legal members of this whole fiasco also agree with me, its the treatment places that can't see what we see. YOu would think he robbed a liquor store and shot somebody or something, not a few petty misdemeanors.

But I feel a little better and it was nice to have some time with my son, and the soft fuzzy caterpillar that seems to be growing on his lip. It was all I could do not to pluck a random long hair on his chin, sticking out from all the fuzz.

We went out to eat. Uno's is closed so we went to Krolls {local diner/with some great German specialities}. Warren ate like he hadn't been fed in a month. I had a chef salad hold the meat and cheese, which left me with iceburg lettuce and tomato in some sort of herby shell thing. I ate half of it {no dressing} and asome of Warren's hashbrowns. I only had water to drink, so I think I did okay. But I went light the rest of the night. I'm sort of hungry and sort of not. I think I'll just skip eating anymore until tommorrow. I can work it off in the pool. I'll just work double time {who am I trying to kid}

My baby boy will be 14 in only 8 days. I feel so old now. I may have to retell his birth story. Its not as interesting and wild as some, but its definately all us. I have the day off. Hopefully we might be able to get more than a couple hours.

keeping on, keeping on

I'm in a much better mood. Nothing has changed about the current situation, I've just given myself a bit of an attitude adjustment. Of course my first instinct was to sit in bed, whining in my head and throwing a pity party of one, but that only made me feel worse and did nothing to change things.

I can't change things right now, but I can change how I see it and hopefully make myself feel better, so I can at least be prepared to cope with things come Monday. {Or so the theory goes, anyhow}. I've been working out, and making sure I eat right, as I need the nutrition now more than ever. {though lately I've been so anal about that anyway}.

I am loving the water aerobics, I feel so much more energized the rest of the day. I am not liking the 5am wake ups however. I would really like 5am much better if it was closer to 8 or 9am. Then again, time was when 5am was more of a bedtime than a wake up time, so I must be doing something right.

I did a very hard workout today, and suprisingly I feel very good. I even treated myself to slightly more expensive dinner than I would normally have. I treated myself to a nice fresh piece of wild caught salmon, the bright red {w/no added color} kind. I just wrapped it in packet with some lime vinegrette {bottled} and some fresh rosemary and baked it. It was soo good. I swear I could eat salmon almost everyday. Good thing I had some broccoli, green beans, sweet potato {half a medium} and some baby lettuce with mushrooms. Of course I also splurged on a couple nice warm cups of ginger tea.

I did visit Warren tonight, but otherwise I spent the day just taking it easy and getting a few errands and other things done. Now I'm just enjoying some dvd therapy.

Poor Paris Hilton, how sorry I feel for you. How pathetic to go thru over 20 some odd years of life with out ever having been held personally responsible for your actions. When somebody does finally hold you accountable, you break down and act like a three year old late for nap time, and not getting a second cookie. You'd think it was 20 to life not a month if you allow for good behavior. And if she really does have that severe of medical issues, than she belongs in a hospital, a real hospital that is, not a glorified spa for pampered trust fund babies.

May she someday learn just how lucky she was to be born in to a rich family, that it doesn't make her better than anyone else, but it does give her to ability to do a lot for a lot of not so foruntate people. That with great wealth and power come great responsibility. Who is going to run the family fortune when mommy and daddy aren't around anymore. I dont' know anything about her siblings, but from what I can tell, she sure isn't up to it.

Maybe she'll someday learn that earnign somethign yourself, feels a whole lot better than having mommy and daddy handing it to you. That being protected from teh world, and relieved of all responsiiblty consititues a form of child abuse, as it produces a very unstable adult.

May she realize that partying everynight and flashing your hoo ha isn't going to fix anything, in fact it only makes things worse. May she realize that she should be thankful to the cop who originally pulled her over for being under the influence, he may have saved her life, or the life of an innocent driver unlucky enough to be on the road.

maybe a month alone with herself will force her to do some hard hard thinking {and not do he Oprah/Dr. Phill/The view circuit}, and to grow up and act like an adult instead of a teenager in woman's clothing.

Maybe she will stop living on the sweat of her grandparents, a few bad b movies and a really stupid reality show, and decide to do some real work, to stop wasting her funds on over priced designer duds and shoes that cost more than most people make in a momth and use it to help people, to make a difference.

Maybe she will realize that the best way to avoid the poparatzi is to not go to the places where the poparotzi hang out and expect to find her. Plenty of famous people are not pictured regularly in the rags, because they know how to keep themselves out of the limelight and to keep to places where they aren't going to be photographed humiliating themselves.

Maybe she can teach Brittney and LIndsey, and Nicole how to be a mature responsible adult, not a little girl playing dress up.

But I'm not holding my breathe.

distant ships on the horizon

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.

Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.

After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.

Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.

Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.

I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom

morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.

I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.

My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.

I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.

Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info

No titles today

Hol Got to sleep in this morning. I didn't get up until 6:15ish. I went to the close Y and did 30 minutes on the elliptical cross trainer.Its the one I've been working on most of the time, before I did water aerobics it just took me this long to figure out what it was called} and now on saturdays when I have no classes {since I work alternating

I did some arm weights and some crunches, on the machine {my belly hates that,but its helping alot} and then realized I had better hit the showers or I would be late. ,p. Of course mother nature is having another bipolar day, so I ca't go out and walk/jog lest I get a good soaking when mother nature has another rapid cycling fit. but the extra humidity and the harder workout really had me sweating. I think my heart rate his the 70 almost 80 percent range. Pity I can't keep it there for very long. ,P. But its having great effects. I just noticed today, I'm not slouching anymore. I actually sat up straight all day, very unsusal for me. And when I run I'm not running on my toes anymore. I was a toe walker until I was almost 8, my second grade teacher was always on my case about it, my folks were convinced I was going to be a dancer or something {with no lessons, I don't know how they expected that. Not too much call for professional polka dancers.. My folks were very old time}. I always ran on my toes, now I'm using the normal heal toe motion and running much better and for longer periods. Though I ,p. have to watch my fluids closely. {Or risk public humiliation} I do better on an elliptical or a treadmill, as there is less bumpty bump, same with in the water.

I can't quite do a push up, but I can do about half of a push up, so I am almost there. Tommorrow I am thinking. launddry, UU, cardio and some Yoga. I need to so some more housework too, If there is time I may go to the rally in Lindenwood park to show support for some of my friends, maybe I'll even be brave enough to get a rainbow sticker for my car. {I'm not gay, but I do have good friends who are}.

Work seems to be going by faster too. I picked up some more books at work, {I'm a hopeless addict when it comes to books, almost any books}. I have one on working out by Bob Greene ??, {The guy from Oprah} which seems to be quite interesting. I dont' agree with everything he says, but 98 percent of it makes perfect sense, and seems to confirm what I am experiencing.

I also have one on sleep, one on back issues and Shirley Temple's {very thick} autobiography {I didn't know she had two much older brothers} oh and one on diet for different medical issues {which seems a little fadish, and over the top in some places, but still rather intersting and she does make some good points}. I only have about 6 books I am trying to read now. Oh well might as well exercise the brain as well as the body.

I'm just amazed at how much getting my body healthy seems to affect the rest of my life as well as my mental state. I wish I would have 'got it" years ago, but I guess it took the 10th anniversary of Dad's death to wake me up, and change my mindset.

I've tried to loose weight many times before , and had some moderate success a few times, but most of the time, I wanted the results but wasn't ready for the hard work and life changes required to reach my goals. I didn't really have defined goals either, just loose weight or get healthy. I need to work towards something tangible and specific or I'm adrift. Making it public helped too. I had other people to be accuntable to.

Now I can't imagine my life with out exercise. It's sure chceaper than pharmeceuticals that's for sure.

Yesterday was my stupid pill day. I finished my water aerobics and got ready for work. Drove accross town to get to work, stopping quickly for a newspaper. I got to work early relaxed a bit, made a phone call and just as I was ready to start my shift, I realized I had my pdoc appt today, and was supposed to come in after it.

I had to hop back in my car and race back accross town {thank God for interstates} to get to my appointment with only about 10 minutes to spare. The real kicker here? My appointment was accross the street from the Y. Apparently I'm having my senior moments already.

After work I went to put on gas. I dont' know if Flying J {local truck stop, restaurant/bar, trucker/travel plaza} is lowering their prices earlyir or trying to start a gas war, but they had lowered thier prices 5 cents from wehre they were that moring and were a good 5 or more cents cheaper than any other place in town, and had the lines to prove it. They are also just off the interstate and draw a lot of travelers. I can't remember the last time I had to wait to get to a gas pump. It was like flash back to the late 70's or something, but with out the rationing.

Today the other stations, at least soom seem to have lowered theirs as well.

I still say there is something very wrong when 3.07/gallon is considered cheap gas. Let's hope this will last until my next payday, as things are beyond tight right now.

9pm and I'm ready for bed. Its so nice to be physically tired instead of just tired, or drained.

My bed calleth

insert your own title here

I've made a few cool food discoveries this week: one in the grocery store, and two brilliant flashes at home.

One of the local grocery stores near where I work carries baba ganousj in little 8 oz tubs. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but once I brought it home, I was addicted with the first taste. I think I went thru a bag of baby carrots in two or three days. It also tastes great on bread or in sandwhiches. Who knew eggplant could ever be so yummy with some chickpeas adn some tahinni {and a few other things}. Its rather low in salt too, and high in fiber per serving. I will definately be buying more. I definatly seem to have an undu fondness for medditerean food , except for Feta, I really don't understand how anyone can eat something that smells like dirty feet.

At home I used a vinegrette {Paul newman} to brush my potato wedges before baking them instead of the usual olive oil and seasonings. The place smelled heavenly and they were the best potato wedges I've had. didn't even really need dipping sauce.

I also found a way to make my own slurpees, with no added colores or fake stuff. Its still sugrary but rather healthy. I took frozen fruit {in this case blueberries and blackberries, they have to be frozen} and ran then thru a blender with enough orange juice to make a drink. Man I dont' think anything at the Icee machine was that good, or had that much fiber and other vitamins. I think I'm going to have some of that for my breakfast tommorrow.

I wanted to update last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've started taking water aerobics in the mornings before work {the only time I can find a class at my level that fits my schedule}. I took water aerobics in college and loved it as it is so much easer on the joints and I can do things in water I couldn't dream of doing on land. I'm amazed at what a workout I'm getting and at how well I can keep up. Sometimes I wonder which pod has my real body in it, and if I'm going to have to give this one up.

The class is at 6am, which means I have to leave home at 5:30ish. Have I mentioned I've never been a huge AM person. I can get up when I have to, but I really love my bed. Once I am up and going with some Earl Grey or some English Breakfast tea and some food in me I am fine, but that intitial inertia can be a killer.

The class is great, and I'm much happier the rest of the day, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I also am starting to wonder if I may not have some low blood sugar issues, After I work out I am not hungry, but I am so tired and sometimes shakey I almost have to sit down. But once I eat I am fine. I eat before hand {not right before or I'd have cramps}.

When I got home tonight I was ready to just collapse but once I ate a good meal and had some slurpee {fruit and oj equals sugar boost} I was fine.

My fasting blood sugar last it was checked {a few weeks ago} was 68 and my tryglycerides were 49. So I"m not sure if I am lowering them too much or what.

I need to do more checking out.

Still no changes on the Warren front. He's alternating between acceptance of his situation and anger at me for it. Add in the fact that by the time I get to visit him I am exhausted, hungry and quite cranky, the visits aren't always as pleasant as either of us would like.

Tonight I just said the heck with it and came home and ate and relaxed. I called him and will be calling him later, but I feel so much better. Usually I go visit him after work, meaning I leave home at 5:30 am and get home at 8pm ish. Is it any wonder I'm falling apart.

I love my workouts though. I dont' seem them as work. I see them as cheaper than Prozac or inpatient therapy.

If only my shins would stop crying and my calves would stop bellowing for thier mother.

I think I'm taking a long hot bath and going to be early.

A day to myself

wanted to do Yoga yesterday afternoon, but the class was canceled due to the holiday weekend. So I did a half hour of cardio and about 30 minutes or so of strength training. I can believe how litte upper body strengh I have.

I did have some quiona salad after my work out as I felt rather tired and weak {pretty good and easy to make, cooked quinoa, corn, black beans, green peppers, any other veggies you like with salsa and a little veggie stock to thin it out. very high fiber, high protein and lots of vitamins and minerals, also low salt depending on the salsa you use, I used Paul Newmans mild, delicous}, but it may not have been enough.

After my work out and hot tub time, I watched tv in the lounge and read for awhile, then visted Warren.

I say it may not have been enough, as by the time I went to see Warren I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was also supremely cranky, and over sensitive.

After leaving Warren I stopped and got some movies at Blockbuster, so I could have a me day, and easy day today, since I'm not going anywhere. Per my usual ecletcic self I snagged: Monty Python Live, The Wall - Pink Floyd, Men in Black {always funny no matter how often I watch it} and Beowulf and Grendel {I'm nothing if not hard to figure out}. Right now I"m watching Monty Python. {hold the SPAM}.

But afterwards at the grocery store was the hardest It took me almost over and hour to get thru, {not unuusal given my label reading obsession}, but afterwards at the stupid self checkout, I nearly had a breakdown when it wouldn't scan my damn blackberries {I love those little purple delights}, thankfully the checker in charge was able to reason with the computer sytem.

I knew it was my bloodsugar when on the way home I devoured my blackberries {1/2 pint} and was soon feeling much better. At home I had some Sole, some broccoli slaw, some sugar snap peas, and some more quinoa salad with a small piece of whole wheat bread. I also had two {plain} cups of green tea and half a bottle of kombuchu. I was so much better and ready to go.

so much so I shelled and ate about ounces or more of unsalted peanuts. I'm not sure what that did for my diet.

I woke up this monring feeling tired weak and cranky again. I had some kashi and almond milk with strawberries and peaches. I don't feel weak and cranky, but I still feel hungry. I'm not sure what I want.

Aside from walking down to get the paper I think I'll just take it easy today. I am so sick of being stuck in the 170's for over a month now. I'm just not even going to think about anything today, but relaxing and getting myself prepared for the week ahead.

To borrow a quote from airplane, "Looks Like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines"

May all my fellow Americans have a safe, fun and happy Memorial Day, but let us not forget the true reason for the day, while we are stuffing our faces and burning our buns.

Sit down, shut up and hang on

Its a good thing I'm on meds and have discovered the thrill of daily cardio workout {along with the hot tub in the lockerroom} or I would be going apeshit and having major breakdown right about now.



Somebody in the Cass County legal system needs to take off thier head and screw it back on correctly, as it is definately threaded on wrong.



I got home Friday night around 10ish, after visiting Warren and making another visit to the gym {have i mentioned how much I love that place}, to find a message on my machine from Brad {son's PO}, that there is another detention hearing on my son Tuesday the 29th at 1pm. Okay first of all, there was originally a court date at 10 am that day, which was negated when Warren plead out at his last court date. so I told work I coudl work my normal hours, which they are expecting. Second of all it is a 3 day holiday weekend {Memorial day for any readers not in the US/familiar with US holidays}, and I won't be at work until Tuesday. Thankfully it is the end of the month not the begining, but with a new catalog hitting customers we will still abe busy. Second of all, I need more than a three hour notice to get time off. Since it is aforementioned three day holiday weekend there will be nobody of power or use in anyplace UNTIL Tuesday, a little late to start screwing things around. WTF. I am pretty sure everyone else knew about this well beforehand, but as the mother of the child in question I am apparently the one they feel the least need to keep in the f***** loop. I really feel the need to hurt someone, but I have no access to the people who need to have thier asses kicked with a steel toed boot.



In other news these same idiots in power are now trying to tell me my son has sexual issues. {to be polite}. My son has never touched anyone or made any inappropriate comments to anyone to my knowlege. With all his issues, that one has never been mentioned even once by any of his doctores, or teachers.



He is frustrated, worried, upset and probably a dozen other emotions. He has no access to booze, video games, computers or friends. He is releaving stress with the one thing no once can take away from him. Yes he may be having some issues of being seen in his room during room checks,but hello, He is a 13 year old boy, find me a boy who doesn't enjoy that activity {straight, gay, bi, or unknown it doesn't matter it applies to all males}, than he is probably more dysfuntional, religously oppressed or an unic}. It is pretty much a universal activty enjoyed by all males from the day they first discover that body part. If he were doing it in the day room, or talking about it to others, they might have an issue, but in what he percieves as "his" room, not so much. Yes he probably should have stopped once he realized he could get "caught" so to speak, but really, that still doesn't put him in the same category as those who prey on others. Stupid stupid over eager professionals looking for trouble.



I got the schedule from the Y, and I can do Yoga {beginner} on Sunday afternoons and Pilates one day a week in the evenings. I may get something resmembling muscles on me yet. When it comes to upper body strength I'm like a fluffy kitten. Way to damn "girly" for my liking.



I gave blood on Thurdsay morning at work {we have a drive every three months or so} and when they advise you not to work out for a day or so, they aren't just being over cautious. I didn't listen and while I was able to work out, I was so exhausted that night, like I've never been before. Even the next day. IT took me almost 24 hours to fully recover {I wonder if that's how long it took my body to replace the blood and get enough glucose to my brain}. I'm actually almost over the stiffness now. I think there may be a muscle developing somewhere under that fluff {yes I know it takes more than three days, I have so little, give me this illusion okay}.



But hot tubs are better than Advil for sore muscles, especially if they have really nice strong jets. Whatever I may hate about my job, getting this discount {half price in my case}, is one hell of a great perk. Working in the health/alternative industry certainly has it's advantages.



With the gym, support groups {need to find taht alanon meeting}, work out classes, for the first time in my life, I am actually having something resembling a life. the UU church doesn't meet ove the summer {except for a pro-PRIDE service the first week in June}, but they have some RE groups in the summer I may take advantage of.



Who is this girl and what happened to the fat quiet miserable basket case she replaced? I'm not used to this? there must be a pod somewhere, or a factory ala Stepford in reverse.



I'm on the ride, I might as well enjoy it.

Starting with some Johnny Depp this afternoon. I was disapointed with the second one,but you could tell with all of them that Johnny was like a deprived child given an all you can grab shopping spree at Toys R Us. He was having the time of his life and that alone is worth the price of admission. I love me some Johnny in Pie-rat {neener neener} gear. Especially on the Extreme screen where I can play count the pores.

pain pain go away

finally gave in broke down and did what I needed to do. I signed up for the Y. If I am paying for it {even if its half price,, there are somethings I do love about my job}, I will be more likely to use it.

I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.

I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.

My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.

The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.

Amazingly I'm not even hungry.

My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.

I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.

My head is ready to explode.

Life sucks

9:11 PM - when I make other plans, life decides to happen
Current mood: drained


Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.



When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.



There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.



But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.



Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.



So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.



I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.



I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.



And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.



One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.



Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.



I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.



But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.



Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.



I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had

free association rambling

What type of Fae are you?
Okay, that is rather scary. I would say I rather resemble that description a little more than I'd like. I've often felt like a changling to be honest.

Today has been a mostly good day, or at least it was until I got the mail.

Work was slow and boring. Though I did have one "lovely" {in quotes because I"m being sarcastic and you can't hear my typing}, lady who wanted to be taken off our mailing list {something we often do, no big deal}, because in her words "it was a violation of her personal space". She even taped the conversation. Good grief lady.. I"d be happy to take you off the list, but don't act as though I walked into your house and sat at the table during breakfast to try and push q-gel on you over your morning coffee. And don't get your attitude in my face, about how You don't wanto be referred adn we will do this that and the the other. I know where you live. I am a devious and mean person. Piss me off and you will lead a "very intersting life". Okay, I'd never actually do anything {not illegal anyway}, but sheesh. Toss it away and get on with your freaking life, assuming anybody with ass cheeks that tight actually has one.

Since it was so dead, I got to leave early. I didn't want to go home, and I was still a bit hungry so I wander Hornbacher's Express for 30 minutes to find something to eat, that wasn't completely crap and had something resembling a vitamin in it.

I ended up stalling for time outside the juvy center anyway, just reading and listening to the radio. Than I spent an hour or so with Warren.

I also had a lovely converstation with another lady whose daughter was also in. Very intersting. It seems we have a lot in common, scary. She is also the third person to confirm certain rumors I didn't believe when my son told them to me. But which has since been confirmed by other parties who would have no reason to lie to me. I guess I should believe him sometimes. Seems I really am living in Peyton Place. I can't disclose the rumors, but it is definately an "Area 51" situation. A big secret that everybody knows about, but acts like they don't, unless they need to. I'm begging to wonder what else I should believe that I thought was a lie. Man I really did grow up way too naive.

But anyways.

After I visted Warren, I treated myself to some time out. I went to see Shrek the Third. I even splurged on a junior popcorn {hold the saltified butter flavored oil product}, and a bottled water {I'm such a wild child I know}. The movie was great. Not nearly as funny as the first two, but it definately had some great laughs. If you get a chance, do go see it.

Than I came home and made the mistake of checking my mail. I got copies of paperwork from DJS, just stupid release forms, which they sent me double copies of. A reminder of things I am still comming to terms with. And a nasty letter from my bank in regaards to my lack of wealth. I have money, just not nearly enough.

Yesterday I found a great like new blender at a local thrift store. So now I'm getting smoothie happy. I made a great one for breakfast, with enough left over that I had a small one when I got home. I call it mango berry. IT s just soy yougurt, mango, strawberries, some frozen black and blue berries and a bit of almond milk with a small bit of wheat germ oil. {yes I am becomming one of those annoying almost non dairy people}.

I had a Okara {soy product} Chikin {no birds died to make it} patty on Dakota bread {Great Harvest has the worlds second greatest bread. Fresh ground flour, and this kind has pumpkin seeds adn flax and nuts and millet.. good stuff}, with spinach salad.

I actually did and entire vegetarian day. I"m so proud of myself. I'm not a full vegetarian yet, unless fish and eggs get reclassified as plants, but I am this close. I'm just not ready to give up teh fish, and I have yet to find anything that comes close to a substitute for eggs. But lets hear it for over a year with no pig, three months with no cow or buffalo, and about 2 months with no chicken.

I never planned to give up the moo juice, it just sort of happened. I've gone over to the dark side.

Or I could be an ICthy-Ovo veg {with ocassional lacto for a cheese treat. Veggie cheese, at least the ones I've tried are just gross}. Tofurky is passible, the Phony-bolonga tastes like bologna which isn't all that good of a thing, and the tofu pepperoni is just gross. But the soy sausage and the Okara chicken are pretty decent. They never fool anyone into thinking they are real meat, but they taste decent on thier own.

I think its time for bed. Even I can't follow my train of thought anymore

almost over and done

edited : Slight Retraction: Ignore what I said about Jerry Lee, I had Jerry Falwell confused with Jimmy Swaggert. it still makes for a very intersting family dynamic though. Clearly the showman gene runs in the family And Jerry Falwell, was still a blowhard full of hot air.

I haven't updated for awhile, because of a number of reasons. Partially because of being busy, and partially because I"m still having a hard time comming to grips with certain things.



Its all over with Warren, except the official paperwork and final placement. He plead out to 5 of the charges that were against him and the state dropped the other two {the two biggies}. He is now a ward of the juvenille system for one year. They are hoping to get him intto a place close to here, if possible, but they are all full right now. And in order to get on the list I first need to fill out 500 or so forms and find copies of his birth certificate, social security card, stundent id, my custody decree, the restraining order against the idiot, and proof of child support owed. Oh and I could have been on a waiting list earlier but I hadn't filled out a form, I didnt' know I was supposed to ask for, because the guy who could have given it to me {Brad the PO}, never told me about it. Don't you just love red tape.



On the bright side this means I am done with court for now, and while Warren was a little upset at first, his attourney did a fairly good job of spelling out the cold hard facts of what he was up against, and he was quick to accept the reality of the situation, and that I did what I thought was best. One of the hardest parts of motherhood isn't protecting your kids from the scary monsters of the world, the hot stoves and the speeding cars, it is when you find yourself having to protect your child from himself. {and having his so called "friends" carve the word bitch in your front door to thank you for your efforts. And before you ask, yes I did file a police report}.



The idiot of course also had his lawyer present who just got the case a day or so ago, so wasn't up to speed. He was still trying to get the wife of his friends brother to help act as caretakeer while I was at work. I barely know here, and school will be out in a week or so. IT was so not an option. Warren wanted it to be, but accepted that it wasn't going to happen. He doesn't like it, but I think reality has finally sunk in. I hope.



I'm still not really ready to talk about everything that is going thru my head. I know I"ve did the best I could with what I had, and I love my son more than anything. But I can't help feeling like I failed somewhere. My son saw what drinking did to his father. He knew exactly how I felt, we had talked about drugs and alcohol many many times, and yet he chose to drink anyway. He chose to steal and hang out with the kids who had bad reputations, getting himself one in the process. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I feel like somewhere I did or didn't do something I should have. I find myself replaying his entire childhood event by event.



I'm working on coming to terms with my own emotions but it isn't an easy process.



Strange now that I have a car, one would think I would have more time to fit more things in, but I seem to have even less.



My company is a corporate partner with the local Y, and they now have a program where they will pay 20 dollars per month towards a membership in any gym for any employee. I could have a gym membership for practically nothing, and yet instead of racing down to take advantage, I can't even seem to find the time to get there, and I keep finding excuses as to why I won't have time to work out, blah blah.. I don't get it. I used to be out of the house at 6:45, now I can barely roll out of bed before 7am. I"m getting so lazy.
I may just have to force myself to sign up and get my but out of bed early again, so I can work out in the am's. Maybe then I won't be so exhausted by 3pm.



Jerry Falwell passed away, yet his least favorite cousin, Jerry Lee "the killer" Lewis is still going strong , or at least still going.. I guess being self righteious, and judgemental doesn't buy you everything. I find it hard enough to believe they come from the same family tree, but finding out they grew up next to each other and played together as kids??, Man that must have been one intersting family. {thier mothers were sisters, I beileve}. I bet holidays in that family were a hoot.



The wind has died down finally, so instead of sitting here watchign my ass get wider, I think I'm going to go for a walk and see if I can break in my new shoes. {Is there a woman out there, who can restist those two famous words "shoe sale", especially when she really really needs to say good bye to some worn out favorites, and replace them}.

Mom

Film :: Movie

Dragon :: Tales

Hunger :: strike

Plucked :: chicken

Dissolving :: water

Executive :: overpaid

Ridiculous:: preposteroius

Mist :: Avalon

Minority :: Report

Map :: read




What can I say. Even I don't understand how my mind works sometimes.



Like many who grew up in small community, I only had one mother, but I was mothered by many. From teachers who had known my parents for decades, to neighbors who looked out for every kid in the nieghborhood, even though there was at least a mile or more between neighbors, to almost any mom or non mother woman in town. I knew if I screwed up or did something it wasn't a matter of if my parents found out, it was a matter of when. Usually before I ever got home.



To this day I am convinced the internet has nothing on the small town grapevine when it comes to speed of spreading information. Of course this also includes the fact that in a town of 1500 there is no such thing as no one's business. Sure people would sometimes look the other way and pretend they didn't know what they did, but everyone knew, we just kept our mouths shut.



My mother wasn't perfect, she didn't have a job outside of her family. She did work in town for a while but that didn't last long, and could make for a whole nother entry on small town politics.



But my mom was the best mother she knew how to be. She loved both her kids and always made sure they were cared for, and knew they were loved. And while yes I do still have feelings regaarding my mom and my brother, I have come to terms with them from an adult point of view, able to understand things differently as a mom myself.



My mom didn't have an easy life. She has 9 older siblings and two younger sisters. She had to leave school in the 8th grade and has been supporting her self since she was about 16. None of my mom's siblings, save maybe a few of the oldest ever went to high school. It was too far away and would have been too expensive.



With 13 kids to care for,during the depression, my grand parents had to watch every penny, and try to squeeze a nickel out of it. From the time she was old enough to walk, work was part of her life.



There was no staying home with the kids. The older kids were responsible for the younger ones. I think my aunt Maggie may have spent as much time raising my mom as my grandmother, and she's only about 5 or so years older.



My mom supported her self as a nurse's aid, what is now most often referred to as a CNA. She worked for many years in hospitals in Rugby and eventually moved to Williston, where My Aunt Hedy and a friend were living. It was here where she met my dad.



It wasn't easy for my mom. She was already in her mid 30's when she and my dad married. My mom was 36 when she had me and 39 (almost 40) when she had my brother. She was living in her in-laws house, my dad was working long crazy hours trying to run the farm. My grandfather died when I was 3. My grandmother was no longer able to care for herself, and my brother was born early with many problems, some of which didn't become apparent until later.



My grandmother lived with us for a while, as I've mentioned before but it soon became obvious she needed more than we could provide. IT wasn't fair to my mom to try and help run the farm while caring for a newborn with multiple issues, a very precocious and hyper active preschooler (yours truly) and a mother in law in the middle stages of dementia, not to mention blindness (glaucoma).



My mom was never what one would call demonstrative. My parents would tuck us in, read to us, spend time with us, carry us on thier shoulders until we got to big, but they were never huggers, never one to say "I love you". Mom was one to show it, in making sure I always had a nice clean outfit to wear to school. In makin sure I never had somebody else's handmedowns as she always had to wear, in always getting up at the crack of dawn to make sure we had a hot homemade breakfast when other kids would have cold cereal or a pop tart on the way out the door.



While other kids had bland bread from the grocery store, I had fresh homemade bread baked with love that tasted better than anything one could find in the best bakeries. I had a spotless house that always smelled of pine sol, and dinners that were always cooked from scratch. I had fresh vegetables that were grown organically before anyone knew what organic gardening was. I had jars of homemade jellies, pickles and other preserves. Unlike the town kids, I was usually personally aquanted with my chicken dinner and knew which farm my steak came from .



My parents were always home when I went to bed and my mom always had time to read me a story before I got old enough to do it for myself.



While I get many things from my dad, my love of other people's junk, my need to always learn more, my short stubby legs and my work ethic. I also got some of my most important qualities from my mom. Not just my lovely wavy hair but my desire to always put my children (child) first, my instinct to go to my child when he needs me, my ability to throw together a good meal from almost anything (except bread. I will never be able to make a loaf or a bun anywhere close to my mom's. I've given up trying). From my mom I learned the value of a hard days work, the importance of an education, but that school isn't the only place to get it. That one should accept the family they have and give up wishing for the family they would have liked to have. To be proud of who you are and where you come from. I also learned how to make a mean cookie, to always be willing to try a new recipe and hey if it doesn't work, well know you know not to try that combination again.



My mom wasn't perfect. She had a temper, much like her daugher and like her daughter she sometimes doesn't know enough to let go of a grudge, but she does and moves on. sometimes she lost her temper with us, especially me. Often she would revert to what she knew or just couldn't deal with me, but she would get over it. I didn't understand her as a child, but as an adult I can relate all to well to what she did and why she did much of what she did. My mom like most mothers was a human being, one who had a life before me and one who had issues of her own to deal with.



My mom has lost everything she owned in a fire, not once but twice and yet she didn't quit, didn't stop, but kept on going.



She married and started a family at an age when many of her friends were raising teenagers, or becomming grandparents. And she did it with out whining or complaining, at least not where my brother or I could hear her.



Despite losing my father much to early, she managed to continue on, to make a life and live. She took over everything my dad left behind and took over all the bookkeeping of my dad's various investments, and sale of the farm and the rent of the land.



For the daugher of immigrants who only had an 8th grade education, she did better than many with ph.ds.



She has been there many times, when no one else was. She loves me even though I think half the time she doesn't have a clue where I came from. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and in some ways I think I am still rebeling, but in other ways, I am glad when somebody says I am like my mom.



I could do a lot lot worse.



I was not an easy kid to raise, and my mom put up with a lot. She doesn't understand me but she loves me anyway, accepts me and my brother for who we are, and doesn't try to force us to be the children she would have liked to have. It took her awhile to come to terms that she would never have the perfect children every mother dreams of, but she didn't let that stop her from being a mom.



That is a true mother in every sense of the word.



I don't say it enough, but despite everything. I love you mom!!

confused and bewildered

I think there must be something in the gas besides gas. I don't just mean the higher prices, but something is causing people around here to loose thier minds, and car exhaust seems to me a pretty sneaky way to poison a large group of unsuspecting people (I mean more so than we already are)

I stopped in Wally World tonight to returns yesterdays afore mentioned sports bra as the uniboob look really isn't me. Afterwards I went to pick up a few other needed, items (mouthwash, face mask, home manicure suppliesk, you know the essentials), while I was in the hair care aisle some Asian woman (an employee yet) was helping a bunch of hispanic people decide on a hair color product for the lone female of the group. I was looking at hair items minding my own business, but eavesdropping none the less, as I love overhearing other peoples conversations.

I turned away from my cart for a moment to look at something when the Asian lady made eye contact and grabbed my hand leading me of to a corner. Where she whispered to me


Don't leave your wallet, there are foreigners everywhere
I was stunnded. I finally just had to laugh. I swear I thought I was on candid camera, or some really bad reality show. Did she really say what I thought she just said!?!? In Wal-Mart yet. **blink blink**

Hello, this is America, unless you are 100% Native American somewhere in your family tree there are a bunch of one time foreigners.. And even they immigrated over thru Asia several thousand years ago.

Sheesh, read a history book why don't you.

Than I check my email and find this lovely little piece of spam. Presented exactly as I recieved it, creative spellings and all.


Re:.. P.ossib.le meeting f
Hi tbhere lovely, I was searbcbhing the net few days ago. I am new to this thing. and saw your profile.a I decided to emaail you cause I found b you attractive. I might come down to your city ain few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person. I am attractive gairl. I am sure you won't regreta it. Reply to my personal email at
I've never placed a personal ad ever. And I don't swing on that side of the fence, I don't swing period with random strangers I've never met. So What.the.fuck!?!? I must be on some mighty intersting lists. But at least this one wasn't in Greek.
It seems to me if you are trying to spam someone to get money out of them, it would make sense to put the email in a language they might possibly be able to actually read!?!? But I'm strange that way.

A few days ago, my WiseGeek email sent me this wonderful link, about how I can make my own yarn out of dog fur, Or cat fur If I have enough kitites (no harm to the animal, it involves saving what they shed naturally). I think I will pass. Somehow I don't think a Chloe sweater or a Chester scarf really sounds all that appealing to me. Not to mention the work. I mean who is that freaking bored?

Last week I put on gas. A local grocery store has an offer where you get so much off per gallon of gas with your reciept, up to 12 cents if you buy over $100. My reciept is only for about $25 or so, good for 4 cents off per gallon. After work I traipse over to the station as my gas tank was not quite but almost down to fumes. I fill up my car, after going thru more steps than required to program the average tivo, and pay for my discounted gas. I thought I had got a pretty good deal. Not so much. On my way to visit the delinquent one, I drove by a station I used to frequent regularly when I worked down town. The same freaking gas was 4 cents cheaper than what I paid with my freaking discount. Good thing I only bought $20 worth.

At the rate we are going pretty soon filling stations will have to have finance offers to help you take out loan everytime you fill up. Sheesh!!

But at least its Friday. That means Las and Order and a night I don't have to worry about getting to be and getting up early the next day.

TTFN

pants and such

In the good news of the day I did try on pants today. I had one pair that would have been perfect, were I to suddenly sprout another 3 inches. And I actually tried on a pair of size 12's. I wouldn't ever where them in public as they made my thighs look like over grilled brats just before the skin bursts and they pop, but I was able to get them on and zipped.


I'd probably be able to fit much better if I didn't have all this stupid extra floppy skin and flab. I was thrilled to buy a shirt that was only a L, no more X's for me. {I'd never get and xs, if I lost that much I think I'd be hospitalilzed}. I also invested in a sports bra. Jogging with out one could be hazardous to me and anyone on the same block. {there is track only two blocks from here at the elementrary school, so I power walk/jog there}



Had a great visit with Warren tonight, and The Falcon is back at home and ready to take on the Kessel Run. I don't even want to know what was going thru the mind of one of the previous owners who had fixed part o the exhaust {under the car, not visible unless you hoist it up and look} with duct tape?? Even mechanically challanged me, wouldn't think of that. It was kind of funny though, considering it was rather fried.



I'm in a better mood tonight. I had salmon and asparagus for dinner along with a healthy dose of Mel Brooks {Young Frankenstein}, and Mel always cheers me up. So does having a nice pleasant visit with my boy. I was evil mommy and snuck him in a few illegal skittles. Just a few that he ate while we talked.



And tommorrow is Friday. I have two days off and to myself. No getting up, no work, no obligations other than a few household chores and a visit to my son, or two.

dark side of the moon

You know how on most cars the muffler connects to a long pipe that connects to the rest of the exhaust system and evntually to the engine. Mine doesn't. At least not currently. The other day I thought my car sounded a bit different than normal. I got out to go do what I was out to take care of anyway, and wouldn't you know, my muffler was hanging on by a proverbial thread, about 45 degrees from the ground, with only a few inches of clearance.



Guess who has to take thier car in for more doctor time tommorrow. They could have did it today, but I needed time for some creative banking in order to pay for it. Just my luck, unlike domestic cars, Japanese imports each have thier own specific muffler instead of one muffler fitting any old car, which naturally doubles the price and than some. On the brightside it does come with a lifetime warrenty {the muffler not the rest of the work, fittings etc..}.



I also had my last school meeting/IEP meeting with Warren's teachers and staff. Not my favorite meeting. I"m lucky to be in such a good school district and they really do a lot for him. But they also confirmed for me what I already know deep inside but don't want to deal with.



Ask any mother and they will tell you a parent's {especially most mothers} first instinct is to protect thier child, to make the bad things go away, and the good things come back. Unfortunately once children reach a certain age, there are bad things that mom can't make go away. They are able to get into trouble that mom can't, and shouldn't get them out of.



Even though aranging 24 hour adult supervision would allow him to be home until his trial, it really wouldn't be in his best interest, no matter how much I would like it to be otherwise. Warren is going to hate me, and of course The Idiot will use this as a chance to make me the bad guy, and use it with Warren against me.



I am going to have to talk to my lawyer tommorrow as we have our next hearing on Tuesday the 15th at 8:30 am. His PO has finally been able to talk to his doctors, and I need to get legal help to try and speed things up. Juvy is a safe place, but it is definately not the best place for him, but home placement isn't either.



He says he is sorry and will do whatever he needs to, and in his mind he may even mean some of it. But I know as soon as he is free and can talk to his friends again, we will be back to square one. He just doesn't know how to cope, or how to deal. The lure is too strong, and the desire will overpower the will. His dad is over 45 and can't keep clean, I don't know how a 13 year old can fight it.



Last week I was so torn. I wanted Warren to think I was on his side, but at the same time, I was so glad when the judge wouldn't release him to my custody. I only hope and pray something can be worked out soon.



After Tuesday, we have to go back to court on the 29th for pre-trial and then on June 4th for the official trial {unless his lawyer works out a deal before then}. He won't even get to spend his 14th birthday with us.



I know it is what is best for him, but it isn't making it any easier. I"m his mom, I'm supposed to take care of him and protect him. I am the one who let his father repeadelty back into his life, and let him live with all the turmoil and uncertainty. I should have provided him with a better childhood, maybe now he wouldn't be so mixed up, so angry. When his dad was out of our lives and he was with me all week and only saw his dad on some weekends and everythign was predictable he was fine. Then Mike fucked it all up and I let him.



I can't help the guilts. I'm a mother, protecting my son and looking out for him is my number one job and I just dont' feel like I"m doing it right now.
I know I have done a lot better than most. I care about my son, I make sure he has healthy food, a warm clean place to live, a good education, fun extras, family, and time with loved ones. But I also let him live with an unstable father and a mother who wasn't



I know he makes his own choices at this point, but I can't help but look back and wonder how he would have turned out had I gave him up for adoption instead of thinking I could raise him on my own. Or if I had followed my first instinct and just left town to go back to my parents and not told Mike. So many questions, none of them have answers.



I know I've done the best I could,but did I? I can't help but feel I have some blame in this as well. I may not have ever beaten my son, or degraded him,I've tried to always be there, but I'm far from perfect.



As much as I blame his friends and cant' stand them, I do have to give them credit for getting him help when they were worried about his safety, even though I have a feelign they were less than totally honest. Had nobody gotten him help, I shudder to think what could have happened.



I guess I just need to mourn the child I dreamed of having, and learn to accept the child I have. He is and always well be my baby. I just can't kiss away the boo-boos anymore.






"there is no dark side of the moon really, its all dark"