Hol Got to sleep in this morning. I didn't get up until 6:15ish. I went to the close Y and did 30 minutes on the elliptical cross trainer.Its the one I've been working on most of the time, before I did water aerobics it just took me this long to figure out what it was called} and now on saturdays when I have no classes {since I work alternating
I did some arm weights and some crunches, on the machine {my belly hates that,but its helping alot} and then realized I had better hit the showers or I would be late. ,p. Of course mother nature is having another bipolar day, so I ca't go out and walk/jog lest I get a good soaking when mother nature has another rapid cycling fit. but the extra humidity and the harder workout really had me sweating. I think my heart rate his the 70 almost 80 percent range. Pity I can't keep it there for very long. ,P. But its having great effects. I just noticed today, I'm not slouching anymore. I actually sat up straight all day, very unsusal for me. And when I run I'm not running on my toes anymore. I was a toe walker until I was almost 8, my second grade teacher was always on my case about it, my folks were convinced I was going to be a dancer or something {with no lessons, I don't know how they expected that. Not too much call for professional polka dancers.. My folks were very old time}. I always ran on my toes, now I'm using the normal heal toe motion and running much better and for longer periods. Though I ,p. have to watch my fluids closely. {Or risk public humiliation} I do better on an elliptical or a treadmill, as there is less bumpty bump, same with in the water.
I can't quite do a push up, but I can do about half of a push up, so I am almost there. Tommorrow I am thinking. launddry, UU, cardio and some Yoga. I need to so some more housework too, If there is time I may go to the rally in Lindenwood park to show support for some of my friends, maybe I'll even be brave enough to get a rainbow sticker for my car. {I'm not gay, but I do have good friends who are}.
Work seems to be going by faster too. I picked up some more books at work, {I'm a hopeless addict when it comes to books, almost any books}. I have one on working out by Bob Greene ??, {The guy from Oprah} which seems to be quite interesting. I dont' agree with everything he says, but 98 percent of it makes perfect sense, and seems to confirm what I am experiencing.
I also have one on sleep, one on back issues and Shirley Temple's {very thick} autobiography {I didn't know she had two much older brothers} oh and one on diet for different medical issues {which seems a little fadish, and over the top in some places, but still rather intersting and she does make some good points}. I only have about 6 books I am trying to read now. Oh well might as well exercise the brain as well as the body.
I'm just amazed at how much getting my body healthy seems to affect the rest of my life as well as my mental state. I wish I would have 'got it" years ago, but I guess it took the 10th anniversary of Dad's death to wake me up, and change my mindset.
I've tried to loose weight many times before , and had some moderate success a few times, but most of the time, I wanted the results but wasn't ready for the hard work and life changes required to reach my goals. I didn't really have defined goals either, just loose weight or get healthy. I need to work towards something tangible and specific or I'm adrift. Making it public helped too. I had other people to be accuntable to.
Now I can't imagine my life with out exercise. It's sure chceaper than pharmeceuticals that's for sure.
Yesterday was my stupid pill day. I finished my water aerobics and got ready for work. Drove accross town to get to work, stopping quickly for a newspaper. I got to work early relaxed a bit, made a phone call and just as I was ready to start my shift, I realized I had my pdoc appt today, and was supposed to come in after it.
I had to hop back in my car and race back accross town {thank God for interstates} to get to my appointment with only about 10 minutes to spare. The real kicker here? My appointment was accross the street from the Y. Apparently I'm having my senior moments already.
After work I went to put on gas. I dont' know if Flying J {local truck stop, restaurant/bar, trucker/travel plaza} is lowering their prices earlyir or trying to start a gas war, but they had lowered thier prices 5 cents from wehre they were that moring and were a good 5 or more cents cheaper than any other place in town, and had the lines to prove it. They are also just off the interstate and draw a lot of travelers. I can't remember the last time I had to wait to get to a gas pump. It was like flash back to the late 70's or something, but with out the rationing.
Today the other stations, at least soom seem to have lowered theirs as well.
I still say there is something very wrong when 3.07/gallon is considered cheap gas. Let's hope this will last until my next payday, as things are beyond tight right now.
9pm and I'm ready for bed. Its so nice to be physically tired instead of just tired, or drained.
My bed calleth
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
insert your own title here
I've made a few cool food discoveries this week: one in the grocery store, and two brilliant flashes at home.
One of the local grocery stores near where I work carries baba ganousj in little 8 oz tubs. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but once I brought it home, I was addicted with the first taste. I think I went thru a bag of baby carrots in two or three days. It also tastes great on bread or in sandwhiches. Who knew eggplant could ever be so yummy with some chickpeas adn some tahinni {and a few other things}. Its rather low in salt too, and high in fiber per serving. I will definately be buying more. I definatly seem to have an undu fondness for medditerean food , except for Feta, I really don't understand how anyone can eat something that smells like dirty feet.
At home I used a vinegrette {Paul newman} to brush my potato wedges before baking them instead of the usual olive oil and seasonings. The place smelled heavenly and they were the best potato wedges I've had. didn't even really need dipping sauce.
I also found a way to make my own slurpees, with no added colores or fake stuff. Its still sugrary but rather healthy. I took frozen fruit {in this case blueberries and blackberries, they have to be frozen} and ran then thru a blender with enough orange juice to make a drink. Man I dont' think anything at the Icee machine was that good, or had that much fiber and other vitamins. I think I'm going to have some of that for my breakfast tommorrow.
I wanted to update last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've started taking water aerobics in the mornings before work {the only time I can find a class at my level that fits my schedule}. I took water aerobics in college and loved it as it is so much easer on the joints and I can do things in water I couldn't dream of doing on land. I'm amazed at what a workout I'm getting and at how well I can keep up. Sometimes I wonder which pod has my real body in it, and if I'm going to have to give this one up.
The class is at 6am, which means I have to leave home at 5:30ish. Have I mentioned I've never been a huge AM person. I can get up when I have to, but I really love my bed. Once I am up and going with some Earl Grey or some English Breakfast tea and some food in me I am fine, but that intitial inertia can be a killer.
The class is great, and I'm much happier the rest of the day, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I also am starting to wonder if I may not have some low blood sugar issues, After I work out I am not hungry, but I am so tired and sometimes shakey I almost have to sit down. But once I eat I am fine. I eat before hand {not right before or I'd have cramps}.
When I got home tonight I was ready to just collapse but once I ate a good meal and had some slurpee {fruit and oj equals sugar boost} I was fine.
My fasting blood sugar last it was checked {a few weeks ago} was 68 and my tryglycerides were 49. So I"m not sure if I am lowering them too much or what.
I need to do more checking out.
Still no changes on the Warren front. He's alternating between acceptance of his situation and anger at me for it. Add in the fact that by the time I get to visit him I am exhausted, hungry and quite cranky, the visits aren't always as pleasant as either of us would like.
Tonight I just said the heck with it and came home and ate and relaxed. I called him and will be calling him later, but I feel so much better. Usually I go visit him after work, meaning I leave home at 5:30 am and get home at 8pm ish. Is it any wonder I'm falling apart.
I love my workouts though. I dont' seem them as work. I see them as cheaper than Prozac or inpatient therapy.
If only my shins would stop crying and my calves would stop bellowing for thier mother.
I think I'm taking a long hot bath and going to be early.
One of the local grocery stores near where I work carries baba ganousj in little 8 oz tubs. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but once I brought it home, I was addicted with the first taste. I think I went thru a bag of baby carrots in two or three days. It also tastes great on bread or in sandwhiches. Who knew eggplant could ever be so yummy with some chickpeas adn some tahinni {and a few other things}. Its rather low in salt too, and high in fiber per serving. I will definately be buying more. I definatly seem to have an undu fondness for medditerean food , except for Feta, I really don't understand how anyone can eat something that smells like dirty feet.
At home I used a vinegrette {Paul newman} to brush my potato wedges before baking them instead of the usual olive oil and seasonings. The place smelled heavenly and they were the best potato wedges I've had. didn't even really need dipping sauce.
I also found a way to make my own slurpees, with no added colores or fake stuff. Its still sugrary but rather healthy. I took frozen fruit {in this case blueberries and blackberries, they have to be frozen} and ran then thru a blender with enough orange juice to make a drink. Man I dont' think anything at the Icee machine was that good, or had that much fiber and other vitamins. I think I'm going to have some of that for my breakfast tommorrow.
I wanted to update last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've started taking water aerobics in the mornings before work {the only time I can find a class at my level that fits my schedule}. I took water aerobics in college and loved it as it is so much easer on the joints and I can do things in water I couldn't dream of doing on land. I'm amazed at what a workout I'm getting and at how well I can keep up. Sometimes I wonder which pod has my real body in it, and if I'm going to have to give this one up.
The class is at 6am, which means I have to leave home at 5:30ish. Have I mentioned I've never been a huge AM person. I can get up when I have to, but I really love my bed. Once I am up and going with some Earl Grey or some English Breakfast tea and some food in me I am fine, but that intitial inertia can be a killer.
The class is great, and I'm much happier the rest of the day, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I also am starting to wonder if I may not have some low blood sugar issues, After I work out I am not hungry, but I am so tired and sometimes shakey I almost have to sit down. But once I eat I am fine. I eat before hand {not right before or I'd have cramps}.
When I got home tonight I was ready to just collapse but once I ate a good meal and had some slurpee {fruit and oj equals sugar boost} I was fine.
My fasting blood sugar last it was checked {a few weeks ago} was 68 and my tryglycerides were 49. So I"m not sure if I am lowering them too much or what.
I need to do more checking out.
Still no changes on the Warren front. He's alternating between acceptance of his situation and anger at me for it. Add in the fact that by the time I get to visit him I am exhausted, hungry and quite cranky, the visits aren't always as pleasant as either of us would like.
Tonight I just said the heck with it and came home and ate and relaxed. I called him and will be calling him later, but I feel so much better. Usually I go visit him after work, meaning I leave home at 5:30 am and get home at 8pm ish. Is it any wonder I'm falling apart.
I love my workouts though. I dont' seem them as work. I see them as cheaper than Prozac or inpatient therapy.
If only my shins would stop crying and my calves would stop bellowing for thier mother.
I think I'm taking a long hot bath and going to be early.
Monday, May 28, 2007
A day to myself
wanted to do Yoga yesterday afternoon, but the class was canceled due to the holiday weekend. So I did a half hour of cardio and about 30 minutes or so of strength training. I can believe how litte upper body strengh I have.
I did have some quiona salad after my work out as I felt rather tired and weak {pretty good and easy to make, cooked quinoa, corn, black beans, green peppers, any other veggies you like with salsa and a little veggie stock to thin it out. very high fiber, high protein and lots of vitamins and minerals, also low salt depending on the salsa you use, I used Paul Newmans mild, delicous}, but it may not have been enough.
After my work out and hot tub time, I watched tv in the lounge and read for awhile, then visted Warren.
I say it may not have been enough, as by the time I went to see Warren I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was also supremely cranky, and over sensitive.
After leaving Warren I stopped and got some movies at Blockbuster, so I could have a me day, and easy day today, since I'm not going anywhere. Per my usual ecletcic self I snagged: Monty Python Live, The Wall - Pink Floyd, Men in Black {always funny no matter how often I watch it} and Beowulf and Grendel {I'm nothing if not hard to figure out}. Right now I"m watching Monty Python. {hold the SPAM}.
But afterwards at the grocery store was the hardest It took me almost over and hour to get thru, {not unuusal given my label reading obsession}, but afterwards at the stupid self checkout, I nearly had a breakdown when it wouldn't scan my damn blackberries {I love those little purple delights}, thankfully the checker in charge was able to reason with the computer sytem.
I knew it was my bloodsugar when on the way home I devoured my blackberries {1/2 pint} and was soon feeling much better. At home I had some Sole, some broccoli slaw, some sugar snap peas, and some more quinoa salad with a small piece of whole wheat bread. I also had two {plain} cups of green tea and half a bottle of kombuchu. I was so much better and ready to go.
so much so I shelled and ate about ounces or more of unsalted peanuts. I'm not sure what that did for my diet.
I woke up this monring feeling tired weak and cranky again. I had some kashi and almond milk with strawberries and peaches. I don't feel weak and cranky, but I still feel hungry. I'm not sure what I want.
Aside from walking down to get the paper I think I'll just take it easy today. I am so sick of being stuck in the 170's for over a month now. I'm just not even going to think about anything today, but relaxing and getting myself prepared for the week ahead.
To borrow a quote from airplane, "Looks Like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines"
May all my fellow Americans have a safe, fun and happy Memorial Day, but let us not forget the true reason for the day, while we are stuffing our faces and burning our buns.
I did have some quiona salad after my work out as I felt rather tired and weak {pretty good and easy to make, cooked quinoa, corn, black beans, green peppers, any other veggies you like with salsa and a little veggie stock to thin it out. very high fiber, high protein and lots of vitamins and minerals, also low salt depending on the salsa you use, I used Paul Newmans mild, delicous}, but it may not have been enough.
After my work out and hot tub time, I watched tv in the lounge and read for awhile, then visted Warren.
I say it may not have been enough, as by the time I went to see Warren I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was also supremely cranky, and over sensitive.
After leaving Warren I stopped and got some movies at Blockbuster, so I could have a me day, and easy day today, since I'm not going anywhere. Per my usual ecletcic self I snagged: Monty Python Live, The Wall - Pink Floyd, Men in Black {always funny no matter how often I watch it} and Beowulf and Grendel {I'm nothing if not hard to figure out}. Right now I"m watching Monty Python. {hold the SPAM}.
But afterwards at the grocery store was the hardest It took me almost over and hour to get thru, {not unuusal given my label reading obsession}, but afterwards at the stupid self checkout, I nearly had a breakdown when it wouldn't scan my damn blackberries {I love those little purple delights}, thankfully the checker in charge was able to reason with the computer sytem.
I knew it was my bloodsugar when on the way home I devoured my blackberries {1/2 pint} and was soon feeling much better. At home I had some Sole, some broccoli slaw, some sugar snap peas, and some more quinoa salad with a small piece of whole wheat bread. I also had two {plain} cups of green tea and half a bottle of kombuchu. I was so much better and ready to go.
so much so I shelled and ate about ounces or more of unsalted peanuts. I'm not sure what that did for my diet.
I woke up this monring feeling tired weak and cranky again. I had some kashi and almond milk with strawberries and peaches. I don't feel weak and cranky, but I still feel hungry. I'm not sure what I want.
Aside from walking down to get the paper I think I'll just take it easy today. I am so sick of being stuck in the 170's for over a month now. I'm just not even going to think about anything today, but relaxing and getting myself prepared for the week ahead.
To borrow a quote from airplane, "Looks Like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines"
May all my fellow Americans have a safe, fun and happy Memorial Day, but let us not forget the true reason for the day, while we are stuffing our faces and burning our buns.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Sit down, shut up and hang on
Its a good thing I'm on meds and have discovered the thrill of daily cardio workout {along with the hot tub in the lockerroom} or I would be going apeshit and having major breakdown right about now.
Somebody in the Cass County legal system needs to take off thier head and screw it back on correctly, as it is definately threaded on wrong.
I got home Friday night around 10ish, after visiting Warren and making another visit to the gym {have i mentioned how much I love that place}, to find a message on my machine from Brad {son's PO}, that there is another detention hearing on my son Tuesday the 29th at 1pm. Okay first of all, there was originally a court date at 10 am that day, which was negated when Warren plead out at his last court date. so I told work I coudl work my normal hours, which they are expecting. Second of all it is a 3 day holiday weekend {Memorial day for any readers not in the US/familiar with US holidays}, and I won't be at work until Tuesday. Thankfully it is the end of the month not the begining, but with a new catalog hitting customers we will still abe busy. Second of all, I need more than a three hour notice to get time off. Since it is aforementioned three day holiday weekend there will be nobody of power or use in anyplace UNTIL Tuesday, a little late to start screwing things around. WTF. I am pretty sure everyone else knew about this well beforehand, but as the mother of the child in question I am apparently the one they feel the least need to keep in the f***** loop. I really feel the need to hurt someone, but I have no access to the people who need to have thier asses kicked with a steel toed boot.
In other news these same idiots in power are now trying to tell me my son has sexual issues. {to be polite}. My son has never touched anyone or made any inappropriate comments to anyone to my knowlege. With all his issues, that one has never been mentioned even once by any of his doctores, or teachers.
He is frustrated, worried, upset and probably a dozen other emotions. He has no access to booze, video games, computers or friends. He is releaving stress with the one thing no once can take away from him. Yes he may be having some issues of being seen in his room during room checks,but hello, He is a 13 year old boy, find me a boy who doesn't enjoy that activity {straight, gay, bi, or unknown it doesn't matter it applies to all males}, than he is probably more dysfuntional, religously oppressed or an unic}. It is pretty much a universal activty enjoyed by all males from the day they first discover that body part. If he were doing it in the day room, or talking about it to others, they might have an issue, but in what he percieves as "his" room, not so much. Yes he probably should have stopped once he realized he could get "caught" so to speak, but really, that still doesn't put him in the same category as those who prey on others. Stupid stupid over eager professionals looking for trouble.
I got the schedule from the Y, and I can do Yoga {beginner} on Sunday afternoons and Pilates one day a week in the evenings. I may get something resmembling muscles on me yet. When it comes to upper body strength I'm like a fluffy kitten. Way to damn "girly" for my liking.
I gave blood on Thurdsay morning at work {we have a drive every three months or so} and when they advise you not to work out for a day or so, they aren't just being over cautious. I didn't listen and while I was able to work out, I was so exhausted that night, like I've never been before. Even the next day. IT took me almost 24 hours to fully recover {I wonder if that's how long it took my body to replace the blood and get enough glucose to my brain}. I'm actually almost over the stiffness now. I think there may be a muscle developing somewhere under that fluff {yes I know it takes more than three days, I have so little, give me this illusion okay}.
But hot tubs are better than Advil for sore muscles, especially if they have really nice strong jets. Whatever I may hate about my job, getting this discount {half price in my case}, is one hell of a great perk. Working in the health/alternative industry certainly has it's advantages.
With the gym, support groups {need to find taht alanon meeting}, work out classes, for the first time in my life, I am actually having something resembling a life. the UU church doesn't meet ove the summer {except for a pro-PRIDE service the first week in June}, but they have some RE groups in the summer I may take advantage of.
Who is this girl and what happened to the fat quiet miserable basket case she replaced? I'm not used to this? there must be a pod somewhere, or a factory ala Stepford in reverse.
I'm on the ride, I might as well enjoy it.
Starting with some Johnny Depp this afternoon. I was disapointed with the second one,but you could tell with all of them that Johnny was like a deprived child given an all you can grab shopping spree at Toys R Us. He was having the time of his life and that alone is worth the price of admission. I love me some Johnny in Pie-rat {neener neener} gear. Especially on the Extreme screen where I can play count the pores.
Somebody in the Cass County legal system needs to take off thier head and screw it back on correctly, as it is definately threaded on wrong.
I got home Friday night around 10ish, after visiting Warren and making another visit to the gym {have i mentioned how much I love that place}, to find a message on my machine from Brad {son's PO}, that there is another detention hearing on my son Tuesday the 29th at 1pm. Okay first of all, there was originally a court date at 10 am that day, which was negated when Warren plead out at his last court date. so I told work I coudl work my normal hours, which they are expecting. Second of all it is a 3 day holiday weekend {Memorial day for any readers not in the US/familiar with US holidays}, and I won't be at work until Tuesday. Thankfully it is the end of the month not the begining, but with a new catalog hitting customers we will still abe busy. Second of all, I need more than a three hour notice to get time off. Since it is aforementioned three day holiday weekend there will be nobody of power or use in anyplace UNTIL Tuesday, a little late to start screwing things around. WTF. I am pretty sure everyone else knew about this well beforehand, but as the mother of the child in question I am apparently the one they feel the least need to keep in the f***** loop. I really feel the need to hurt someone, but I have no access to the people who need to have thier asses kicked with a steel toed boot.
In other news these same idiots in power are now trying to tell me my son has sexual issues. {to be polite}. My son has never touched anyone or made any inappropriate comments to anyone to my knowlege. With all his issues, that one has never been mentioned even once by any of his doctores, or teachers.
He is frustrated, worried, upset and probably a dozen other emotions. He has no access to booze, video games, computers or friends. He is releaving stress with the one thing no once can take away from him. Yes he may be having some issues of being seen in his room during room checks,but hello, He is a 13 year old boy, find me a boy who doesn't enjoy that activity {straight, gay, bi, or unknown it doesn't matter it applies to all males}, than he is probably more dysfuntional, religously oppressed or an unic}. It is pretty much a universal activty enjoyed by all males from the day they first discover that body part. If he were doing it in the day room, or talking about it to others, they might have an issue, but in what he percieves as "his" room, not so much. Yes he probably should have stopped once he realized he could get "caught" so to speak, but really, that still doesn't put him in the same category as those who prey on others. Stupid stupid over eager professionals looking for trouble.
I got the schedule from the Y, and I can do Yoga {beginner} on Sunday afternoons and Pilates one day a week in the evenings. I may get something resmembling muscles on me yet. When it comes to upper body strength I'm like a fluffy kitten. Way to damn "girly" for my liking.
I gave blood on Thurdsay morning at work {we have a drive every three months or so} and when they advise you not to work out for a day or so, they aren't just being over cautious. I didn't listen and while I was able to work out, I was so exhausted that night, like I've never been before. Even the next day. IT took me almost 24 hours to fully recover {I wonder if that's how long it took my body to replace the blood and get enough glucose to my brain}. I'm actually almost over the stiffness now. I think there may be a muscle developing somewhere under that fluff {yes I know it takes more than three days, I have so little, give me this illusion okay}.
But hot tubs are better than Advil for sore muscles, especially if they have really nice strong jets. Whatever I may hate about my job, getting this discount {half price in my case}, is one hell of a great perk. Working in the health/alternative industry certainly has it's advantages.
With the gym, support groups {need to find taht alanon meeting}, work out classes, for the first time in my life, I am actually having something resembling a life. the UU church doesn't meet ove the summer {except for a pro-PRIDE service the first week in June}, but they have some RE groups in the summer I may take advantage of.
Who is this girl and what happened to the fat quiet miserable basket case she replaced? I'm not used to this? there must be a pod somewhere, or a factory ala Stepford in reverse.
I'm on the ride, I might as well enjoy it.
Starting with some Johnny Depp this afternoon. I was disapointed with the second one,but you could tell with all of them that Johnny was like a deprived child given an all you can grab shopping spree at Toys R Us. He was having the time of his life and that alone is worth the price of admission. I love me some Johnny in Pie-rat {neener neener} gear. Especially on the Extreme screen where I can play count the pores.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
pain pain go away
finally gave in broke down and did what I needed to do. I signed up for the Y. If I am paying for it {even if its half price,, there are somethings I do love about my job}, I will be more likely to use it.
I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.
I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.
My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.
The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.
Amazingly I'm not even hungry.
My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.
I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.
My head is ready to explode.
I spent over 2 hours working out tonight. Mostly cardio and some weights, though I am still getting the hang of the weights. I also hate being around all the big buffy muscle guys who all seem to think they are the next Governor of California, and who leave the weights set way too heavy. But I digress. I did over 300 calories of cardio and my heart rate wasnt' as bad as I thought, though it did get higher than I would like, I am actually somewhat resembling healthy and I am amazed at what I can do, that I never would have been able to do a year ago. I actually biked "uphill" for 30 minutes, adn trust me that is some tough resistance, I also did about 25 minutes on the cardio machine. I am feeling the burn now. Good thing I have some Naporxen Sodium, I"m going to need it. My calfs are very angry with me right now.
I am hoping to sign up for either a beggining yoga or pilates if I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. They also have a great pool and hot tub, too bad I gave away my last swimsuit as itwas 4 sizes too big. Is there anything less fun that shopping for new swimwear. Talk about giving any woman a complex.
My meds are still messed up. The pharmacy is re faxing my PA again as she was supposed to fax them back today but didn't. Thank god for workouts, or tommorrows headline would read "crazy Fargo woman blows up medical building". So at least there is that benefit, even if I did get carried away and overdo it.
The official causes of death on my dad's death certificate are in order : acute inferior myocardial infarction, thrombotic occlusion of right artery and coronary artherialsclerosis. Is it any wonder I've become obessed with diet and health. If my previous health numbers are a clue, I was so definately on that road. I am hoping I found the off ramp.
Amazingly I'm not even hungry.
My other support group doesn't meet next week due to the holiday {it normally meets on Mondays}, so I think I will do some investigating into Al-anon. I need something. It seems my son may have developed a new issue, but out of respect for his privacy this is one I have to be very careful in discussing. It was an issue that was never a problem before, but do to his being restricted from so many things, he's turned to it as a means of coping and its causing major trouble.
I can't even think about the ramificartions, never mind the inplications right now.
My head is ready to explode.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Life sucks
9:11 PM - when I make other plans, life decides to happen
Current mood: drained
Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.
When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.
There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.
But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.
Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.
So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.
I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.
I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.
And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.
One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.
Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.
I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.
But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.
Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had
Current mood: drained
Just a quick entry as I am rather tired, and in one of "those moods", the kind that are rather hard to explain, kind of like having your psyche dropped in a blender and someone hit puree.
When I sent for copies of Warren's birthcertificate {I have no idea where the original is, someone it got lost in the shuffle, kind of like my sanity}, something possesed me to get copies of my dad's death certificate, and my parents marriage certificate.
There weren't any suprises on my dad's death certificate. Everything there I already knew, for the most part. Except that he had arterialscoloris, but that doesn't suprise me. My grandmother had it too. It was just a little jaring seeing the techinal terms. I'm not sure what they exactly mean, i didn't google them, but I know it roughly translates as massive coronary and something like a stroke or something. My family legacy, and the reason for my new obsession with health.
But my parents marriage certificate was another story. I saw a copy of it once, right after Dad's funeral, when mom and I were going thru some papers. I thought maybe it was a misprint than, but my mom didn't want to talk about it, which made me suspicious,but good daughter that I am I dropped it and forgot it.
Fast forward. I got the new copy, a clearer copy and I am thinking it may not have been an oversight. I know my parents had a life before me, but as his daughter I can't help but feel this is information I should have at least been made aware of, even if there were parts to the story that may be best left in the past.
So now I sit here debating to let it drop or to write a long difficult letter to my aunt, the only other person still alive besides my mom who would know the whole story.
I really don't want to stir up anything with my mom right now, things are messed up enough as it is with Warren, but I really feel I have a right to know, and part of me fears it may explain something about my childhood {not really bad, so relax}, that I thought was as little strange looking back as an adult, but which suddenly may take on a whole different meaning, and which would be a can of worms I may not want to open with out some serious thought.
I'm sorry to be so cryptic here, but I'm sure some of you may be able to figure out what I am alluding too. I'm just now sure how much I am ready to handle right now.
And for those who asked. I would love to post some pictures of me, But as I'm not talented enough to photograph myself, except with bad flash reflection in a mirror, I need to find someone who is willign to take some {G rated} pictures of me. I have fat pictures, I just don't have any now pictures. I know one person who would, but she's on a plane to LA right now. One I wish I was on.
One positive step, I did go to a support group yesterday for parents of kids with substance abuse issues. I rather liked it {which is unusual, I tend to run from any situation which makes me fear the kool-aid, but this seemed a little less culty and a little more real peopleish}.
Has anybody here attened Al-anon. I'm wondering if they might be helpful. Lord knows I could use all the help I can find right now. I'm coping great on the outside, but inside I'm not so sure anymore.
I went to get my meds and they dont' have my refill, because instead of just authorizing my damn refill, like the normally do, my doctor wants me to bring in the physical copy of the script which I lost. I means telephone tag tommorrow as I am on my last pill, and lamactal is the only thing between me and a nervous breakdown right now.
But tommorrow when I go pick up Warren's stuff and go to work and then to visit Warren. I'll put on my game face, act like I'm coping fine and sparkle for the customers, who don't need to know part of me is dying inside.
Its a good thing I don't drink, or we'd all really be in a lot of trouble.
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Lord knows I'd be a lot more creative and give myself a winning lottery ticket, or a sudden inheritance from a relative I didn't know I had
Saturday, May 19, 2007
free association rambling
What type of Fae are you?
Okay, that is rather scary. I would say I rather resemble that description a little more than I'd like. I've often felt like a changling to be honest.
Today has been a mostly good day, or at least it was until I got the mail.
Work was slow and boring. Though I did have one "lovely" {in quotes because I"m being sarcastic and you can't hear my typing}, lady who wanted to be taken off our mailing list {something we often do, no big deal}, because in her words "it was a violation of her personal space". She even taped the conversation. Good grief lady.. I"d be happy to take you off the list, but don't act as though I walked into your house and sat at the table during breakfast to try and push q-gel on you over your morning coffee. And don't get your attitude in my face, about how You don't wanto be referred adn we will do this that and the the other. I know where you live. I am a devious and mean person. Piss me off and you will lead a "very intersting life". Okay, I'd never actually do anything {not illegal anyway}, but sheesh. Toss it away and get on with your freaking life, assuming anybody with ass cheeks that tight actually has one.
Since it was so dead, I got to leave early. I didn't want to go home, and I was still a bit hungry so I wander Hornbacher's Express for 30 minutes to find something to eat, that wasn't completely crap and had something resembling a vitamin in it.
I ended up stalling for time outside the juvy center anyway, just reading and listening to the radio. Than I spent an hour or so with Warren.
I also had a lovely converstation with another lady whose daughter was also in. Very intersting. It seems we have a lot in common, scary. She is also the third person to confirm certain rumors I didn't believe when my son told them to me. But which has since been confirmed by other parties who would have no reason to lie to me. I guess I should believe him sometimes. Seems I really am living in Peyton Place. I can't disclose the rumors, but it is definately an "Area 51" situation. A big secret that everybody knows about, but acts like they don't, unless they need to. I'm begging to wonder what else I should believe that I thought was a lie. Man I really did grow up way too naive.
But anyways.
After I visted Warren, I treated myself to some time out. I went to see Shrek the Third. I even splurged on a junior popcorn {hold the saltified butter flavored oil product}, and a bottled water {I'm such a wild child I know}. The movie was great. Not nearly as funny as the first two, but it definately had some great laughs. If you get a chance, do go see it.
Than I came home and made the mistake of checking my mail. I got copies of paperwork from DJS, just stupid release forms, which they sent me double copies of. A reminder of things I am still comming to terms with. And a nasty letter from my bank in regaards to my lack of wealth. I have money, just not nearly enough.
Yesterday I found a great like new blender at a local thrift store. So now I'm getting smoothie happy. I made a great one for breakfast, with enough left over that I had a small one when I got home. I call it mango berry. IT s just soy yougurt, mango, strawberries, some frozen black and blue berries and a bit of almond milk with a small bit of wheat germ oil. {yes I am becomming one of those annoying almost non dairy people}.
I had a Okara {soy product} Chikin {no birds died to make it} patty on Dakota bread {Great Harvest has the worlds second greatest bread. Fresh ground flour, and this kind has pumpkin seeds adn flax and nuts and millet.. good stuff}, with spinach salad.
I actually did and entire vegetarian day. I"m so proud of myself. I'm not a full vegetarian yet, unless fish and eggs get reclassified as plants, but I am this close. I'm just not ready to give up teh fish, and I have yet to find anything that comes close to a substitute for eggs. But lets hear it for over a year with no pig, three months with no cow or buffalo, and about 2 months with no chicken.
I never planned to give up the moo juice, it just sort of happened. I've gone over to the dark side.
Or I could be an ICthy-Ovo veg {with ocassional lacto for a cheese treat. Veggie cheese, at least the ones I've tried are just gross}. Tofurky is passible, the Phony-bolonga tastes like bologna which isn't all that good of a thing, and the tofu pepperoni is just gross. But the soy sausage and the Okara chicken are pretty decent. They never fool anyone into thinking they are real meat, but they taste decent on thier own.
I think its time for bed. Even I can't follow my train of thought anymore
Okay, that is rather scary. I would say I rather resemble that description a little more than I'd like. I've often felt like a changling to be honest.
Today has been a mostly good day, or at least it was until I got the mail.
Work was slow and boring. Though I did have one "lovely" {in quotes because I"m being sarcastic and you can't hear my typing}, lady who wanted to be taken off our mailing list {something we often do, no big deal}, because in her words "it was a violation of her personal space". She even taped the conversation. Good grief lady.. I"d be happy to take you off the list, but don't act as though I walked into your house and sat at the table during breakfast to try and push q-gel on you over your morning coffee. And don't get your attitude in my face, about how You don't wanto be referred adn we will do this that and the the other. I know where you live. I am a devious and mean person. Piss me off and you will lead a "very intersting life". Okay, I'd never actually do anything {not illegal anyway}, but sheesh. Toss it away and get on with your freaking life, assuming anybody with ass cheeks that tight actually has one.
Since it was so dead, I got to leave early. I didn't want to go home, and I was still a bit hungry so I wander Hornbacher's Express for 30 minutes to find something to eat, that wasn't completely crap and had something resembling a vitamin in it.
I ended up stalling for time outside the juvy center anyway, just reading and listening to the radio. Than I spent an hour or so with Warren.
I also had a lovely converstation with another lady whose daughter was also in. Very intersting. It seems we have a lot in common, scary. She is also the third person to confirm certain rumors I didn't believe when my son told them to me. But which has since been confirmed by other parties who would have no reason to lie to me. I guess I should believe him sometimes. Seems I really am living in Peyton Place. I can't disclose the rumors, but it is definately an "Area 51" situation. A big secret that everybody knows about, but acts like they don't, unless they need to. I'm begging to wonder what else I should believe that I thought was a lie. Man I really did grow up way too naive.
But anyways.
After I visted Warren, I treated myself to some time out. I went to see Shrek the Third. I even splurged on a junior popcorn {hold the saltified butter flavored oil product}, and a bottled water {I'm such a wild child I know}. The movie was great. Not nearly as funny as the first two, but it definately had some great laughs. If you get a chance, do go see it.
Than I came home and made the mistake of checking my mail. I got copies of paperwork from DJS, just stupid release forms, which they sent me double copies of. A reminder of things I am still comming to terms with. And a nasty letter from my bank in regaards to my lack of wealth. I have money, just not nearly enough.
Yesterday I found a great like new blender at a local thrift store. So now I'm getting smoothie happy. I made a great one for breakfast, with enough left over that I had a small one when I got home. I call it mango berry. IT s just soy yougurt, mango, strawberries, some frozen black and blue berries and a bit of almond milk with a small bit of wheat germ oil. {yes I am becomming one of those annoying almost non dairy people}.
I had a Okara {soy product} Chikin {no birds died to make it} patty on Dakota bread {Great Harvest has the worlds second greatest bread. Fresh ground flour, and this kind has pumpkin seeds adn flax and nuts and millet.. good stuff}, with spinach salad.
I actually did and entire vegetarian day. I"m so proud of myself. I'm not a full vegetarian yet, unless fish and eggs get reclassified as plants, but I am this close. I'm just not ready to give up teh fish, and I have yet to find anything that comes close to a substitute for eggs. But lets hear it for over a year with no pig, three months with no cow or buffalo, and about 2 months with no chicken.
I never planned to give up the moo juice, it just sort of happened. I've gone over to the dark side.
Or I could be an ICthy-Ovo veg {with ocassional lacto for a cheese treat. Veggie cheese, at least the ones I've tried are just gross}. Tofurky is passible, the Phony-bolonga tastes like bologna which isn't all that good of a thing, and the tofu pepperoni is just gross. But the soy sausage and the Okara chicken are pretty decent. They never fool anyone into thinking they are real meat, but they taste decent on thier own.
I think its time for bed. Even I can't follow my train of thought anymore
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
almost over and done
edited : Slight Retraction: Ignore what I said about Jerry Lee, I had Jerry Falwell confused with Jimmy Swaggert. it still makes for a very intersting family dynamic though. Clearly the showman gene runs in the family And Jerry Falwell, was still a blowhard full of hot air.
I haven't updated for awhile, because of a number of reasons. Partially because of being busy, and partially because I"m still having a hard time comming to grips with certain things.
Its all over with Warren, except the official paperwork and final placement. He plead out to 5 of the charges that were against him and the state dropped the other two {the two biggies}. He is now a ward of the juvenille system for one year. They are hoping to get him intto a place close to here, if possible, but they are all full right now. And in order to get on the list I first need to fill out 500 or so forms and find copies of his birth certificate, social security card, stundent id, my custody decree, the restraining order against the idiot, and proof of child support owed. Oh and I could have been on a waiting list earlier but I hadn't filled out a form, I didnt' know I was supposed to ask for, because the guy who could have given it to me {Brad the PO}, never told me about it. Don't you just love red tape.
On the bright side this means I am done with court for now, and while Warren was a little upset at first, his attourney did a fairly good job of spelling out the cold hard facts of what he was up against, and he was quick to accept the reality of the situation, and that I did what I thought was best. One of the hardest parts of motherhood isn't protecting your kids from the scary monsters of the world, the hot stoves and the speeding cars, it is when you find yourself having to protect your child from himself. {and having his so called "friends" carve the word bitch in your front door to thank you for your efforts. And before you ask, yes I did file a police report}.
The idiot of course also had his lawyer present who just got the case a day or so ago, so wasn't up to speed. He was still trying to get the wife of his friends brother to help act as caretakeer while I was at work. I barely know here, and school will be out in a week or so. IT was so not an option. Warren wanted it to be, but accepted that it wasn't going to happen. He doesn't like it, but I think reality has finally sunk in. I hope.
I'm still not really ready to talk about everything that is going thru my head. I know I"ve did the best I could with what I had, and I love my son more than anything. But I can't help feeling like I failed somewhere. My son saw what drinking did to his father. He knew exactly how I felt, we had talked about drugs and alcohol many many times, and yet he chose to drink anyway. He chose to steal and hang out with the kids who had bad reputations, getting himself one in the process. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I feel like somewhere I did or didn't do something I should have. I find myself replaying his entire childhood event by event.
I'm working on coming to terms with my own emotions but it isn't an easy process.
Strange now that I have a car, one would think I would have more time to fit more things in, but I seem to have even less.
My company is a corporate partner with the local Y, and they now have a program where they will pay 20 dollars per month towards a membership in any gym for any employee. I could have a gym membership for practically nothing, and yet instead of racing down to take advantage, I can't even seem to find the time to get there, and I keep finding excuses as to why I won't have time to work out, blah blah.. I don't get it. I used to be out of the house at 6:45, now I can barely roll out of bed before 7am. I"m getting so lazy.
I may just have to force myself to sign up and get my but out of bed early again, so I can work out in the am's. Maybe then I won't be so exhausted by 3pm.
Jerry Falwell passed away, yet his least favorite cousin, Jerry Lee "the killer" Lewis is still going strong , or at least still going.. I guess being self righteious, and judgemental doesn't buy you everything. I find it hard enough to believe they come from the same family tree, but finding out they grew up next to each other and played together as kids??, Man that must have been one intersting family. {thier mothers were sisters, I beileve}. I bet holidays in that family were a hoot.
The wind has died down finally, so instead of sitting here watchign my ass get wider, I think I'm going to go for a walk and see if I can break in my new shoes. {Is there a woman out there, who can restist those two famous words "shoe sale", especially when she really really needs to say good bye to some worn out favorites, and replace them}.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mom
Film :: Movie
Dragon :: Tales
Hunger :: strike
Plucked :: chicken
Dissolving :: water
Executive :: overpaid
Ridiculous:: preposteroius
Mist :: Avalon
Minority :: Report
Map :: read
What can I say. Even I don't understand how my mind works sometimes.
Like many who grew up in small community, I only had one mother, but I was mothered by many. From teachers who had known my parents for decades, to neighbors who looked out for every kid in the nieghborhood, even though there was at least a mile or more between neighbors, to almost any mom or non mother woman in town. I knew if I screwed up or did something it wasn't a matter of if my parents found out, it was a matter of when. Usually before I ever got home.
To this day I am convinced the internet has nothing on the small town grapevine when it comes to speed of spreading information. Of course this also includes the fact that in a town of 1500 there is no such thing as no one's business. Sure people would sometimes look the other way and pretend they didn't know what they did, but everyone knew, we just kept our mouths shut.
My mother wasn't perfect, she didn't have a job outside of her family. She did work in town for a while but that didn't last long, and could make for a whole nother entry on small town politics.
But my mom was the best mother she knew how to be. She loved both her kids and always made sure they were cared for, and knew they were loved. And while yes I do still have feelings regaarding my mom and my brother, I have come to terms with them from an adult point of view, able to understand things differently as a mom myself.
My mom didn't have an easy life. She has 9 older siblings and two younger sisters. She had to leave school in the 8th grade and has been supporting her self since she was about 16. None of my mom's siblings, save maybe a few of the oldest ever went to high school. It was too far away and would have been too expensive.
With 13 kids to care for,during the depression, my grand parents had to watch every penny, and try to squeeze a nickel out of it. From the time she was old enough to walk, work was part of her life.
There was no staying home with the kids. The older kids were responsible for the younger ones. I think my aunt Maggie may have spent as much time raising my mom as my grandmother, and she's only about 5 or so years older.
My mom supported her self as a nurse's aid, what is now most often referred to as a CNA. She worked for many years in hospitals in Rugby and eventually moved to Williston, where My Aunt Hedy and a friend were living. It was here where she met my dad.
It wasn't easy for my mom. She was already in her mid 30's when she and my dad married. My mom was 36 when she had me and 39 (almost 40) when she had my brother. She was living in her in-laws house, my dad was working long crazy hours trying to run the farm. My grandfather died when I was 3. My grandmother was no longer able to care for herself, and my brother was born early with many problems, some of which didn't become apparent until later.
My grandmother lived with us for a while, as I've mentioned before but it soon became obvious she needed more than we could provide. IT wasn't fair to my mom to try and help run the farm while caring for a newborn with multiple issues, a very precocious and hyper active preschooler (yours truly) and a mother in law in the middle stages of dementia, not to mention blindness (glaucoma).
My mom was never what one would call demonstrative. My parents would tuck us in, read to us, spend time with us, carry us on thier shoulders until we got to big, but they were never huggers, never one to say "I love you". Mom was one to show it, in making sure I always had a nice clean outfit to wear to school. In makin sure I never had somebody else's handmedowns as she always had to wear, in always getting up at the crack of dawn to make sure we had a hot homemade breakfast when other kids would have cold cereal or a pop tart on the way out the door.
While other kids had bland bread from the grocery store, I had fresh homemade bread baked with love that tasted better than anything one could find in the best bakeries. I had a spotless house that always smelled of pine sol, and dinners that were always cooked from scratch. I had fresh vegetables that were grown organically before anyone knew what organic gardening was. I had jars of homemade jellies, pickles and other preserves. Unlike the town kids, I was usually personally aquanted with my chicken dinner and knew which farm my steak came from .
My parents were always home when I went to bed and my mom always had time to read me a story before I got old enough to do it for myself.
While I get many things from my dad, my love of other people's junk, my need to always learn more, my short stubby legs and my work ethic. I also got some of my most important qualities from my mom. Not just my lovely wavy hair but my desire to always put my children (child) first, my instinct to go to my child when he needs me, my ability to throw together a good meal from almost anything (except bread. I will never be able to make a loaf or a bun anywhere close to my mom's. I've given up trying). From my mom I learned the value of a hard days work, the importance of an education, but that school isn't the only place to get it. That one should accept the family they have and give up wishing for the family they would have liked to have. To be proud of who you are and where you come from. I also learned how to make a mean cookie, to always be willing to try a new recipe and hey if it doesn't work, well know you know not to try that combination again.
My mom wasn't perfect. She had a temper, much like her daugher and like her daughter she sometimes doesn't know enough to let go of a grudge, but she does and moves on. sometimes she lost her temper with us, especially me. Often she would revert to what she knew or just couldn't deal with me, but she would get over it. I didn't understand her as a child, but as an adult I can relate all to well to what she did and why she did much of what she did. My mom like most mothers was a human being, one who had a life before me and one who had issues of her own to deal with.
My mom has lost everything she owned in a fire, not once but twice and yet she didn't quit, didn't stop, but kept on going.
She married and started a family at an age when many of her friends were raising teenagers, or becomming grandparents. And she did it with out whining or complaining, at least not where my brother or I could hear her.
Despite losing my father much to early, she managed to continue on, to make a life and live. She took over everything my dad left behind and took over all the bookkeeping of my dad's various investments, and sale of the farm and the rent of the land.
For the daugher of immigrants who only had an 8th grade education, she did better than many with ph.ds.
She has been there many times, when no one else was. She loves me even though I think half the time she doesn't have a clue where I came from. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and in some ways I think I am still rebeling, but in other ways, I am glad when somebody says I am like my mom.
I could do a lot lot worse.
I was not an easy kid to raise, and my mom put up with a lot. She doesn't understand me but she loves me anyway, accepts me and my brother for who we are, and doesn't try to force us to be the children she would have liked to have. It took her awhile to come to terms that she would never have the perfect children every mother dreams of, but she didn't let that stop her from being a mom.
That is a true mother in every sense of the word.
I don't say it enough, but despite everything. I love you mom!!
Dragon :: Tales
Hunger :: strike
Plucked :: chicken
Dissolving :: water
Executive :: overpaid
Ridiculous:: preposteroius
Mist :: Avalon
Minority :: Report
Map :: read
What can I say. Even I don't understand how my mind works sometimes.
Like many who grew up in small community, I only had one mother, but I was mothered by many. From teachers who had known my parents for decades, to neighbors who looked out for every kid in the nieghborhood, even though there was at least a mile or more between neighbors, to almost any mom or non mother woman in town. I knew if I screwed up or did something it wasn't a matter of if my parents found out, it was a matter of when. Usually before I ever got home.
To this day I am convinced the internet has nothing on the small town grapevine when it comes to speed of spreading information. Of course this also includes the fact that in a town of 1500 there is no such thing as no one's business. Sure people would sometimes look the other way and pretend they didn't know what they did, but everyone knew, we just kept our mouths shut.
My mother wasn't perfect, she didn't have a job outside of her family. She did work in town for a while but that didn't last long, and could make for a whole nother entry on small town politics.
But my mom was the best mother she knew how to be. She loved both her kids and always made sure they were cared for, and knew they were loved. And while yes I do still have feelings regaarding my mom and my brother, I have come to terms with them from an adult point of view, able to understand things differently as a mom myself.
My mom didn't have an easy life. She has 9 older siblings and two younger sisters. She had to leave school in the 8th grade and has been supporting her self since she was about 16. None of my mom's siblings, save maybe a few of the oldest ever went to high school. It was too far away and would have been too expensive.
With 13 kids to care for,during the depression, my grand parents had to watch every penny, and try to squeeze a nickel out of it. From the time she was old enough to walk, work was part of her life.
There was no staying home with the kids. The older kids were responsible for the younger ones. I think my aunt Maggie may have spent as much time raising my mom as my grandmother, and she's only about 5 or so years older.
My mom supported her self as a nurse's aid, what is now most often referred to as a CNA. She worked for many years in hospitals in Rugby and eventually moved to Williston, where My Aunt Hedy and a friend were living. It was here where she met my dad.
It wasn't easy for my mom. She was already in her mid 30's when she and my dad married. My mom was 36 when she had me and 39 (almost 40) when she had my brother. She was living in her in-laws house, my dad was working long crazy hours trying to run the farm. My grandfather died when I was 3. My grandmother was no longer able to care for herself, and my brother was born early with many problems, some of which didn't become apparent until later.
My grandmother lived with us for a while, as I've mentioned before but it soon became obvious she needed more than we could provide. IT wasn't fair to my mom to try and help run the farm while caring for a newborn with multiple issues, a very precocious and hyper active preschooler (yours truly) and a mother in law in the middle stages of dementia, not to mention blindness (glaucoma).
My mom was never what one would call demonstrative. My parents would tuck us in, read to us, spend time with us, carry us on thier shoulders until we got to big, but they were never huggers, never one to say "I love you". Mom was one to show it, in making sure I always had a nice clean outfit to wear to school. In makin sure I never had somebody else's handmedowns as she always had to wear, in always getting up at the crack of dawn to make sure we had a hot homemade breakfast when other kids would have cold cereal or a pop tart on the way out the door.
While other kids had bland bread from the grocery store, I had fresh homemade bread baked with love that tasted better than anything one could find in the best bakeries. I had a spotless house that always smelled of pine sol, and dinners that were always cooked from scratch. I had fresh vegetables that were grown organically before anyone knew what organic gardening was. I had jars of homemade jellies, pickles and other preserves. Unlike the town kids, I was usually personally aquanted with my chicken dinner and knew which farm my steak came from .
My parents were always home when I went to bed and my mom always had time to read me a story before I got old enough to do it for myself.
While I get many things from my dad, my love of other people's junk, my need to always learn more, my short stubby legs and my work ethic. I also got some of my most important qualities from my mom. Not just my lovely wavy hair but my desire to always put my children (child) first, my instinct to go to my child when he needs me, my ability to throw together a good meal from almost anything (except bread. I will never be able to make a loaf or a bun anywhere close to my mom's. I've given up trying). From my mom I learned the value of a hard days work, the importance of an education, but that school isn't the only place to get it. That one should accept the family they have and give up wishing for the family they would have liked to have. To be proud of who you are and where you come from. I also learned how to make a mean cookie, to always be willing to try a new recipe and hey if it doesn't work, well know you know not to try that combination again.
My mom wasn't perfect. She had a temper, much like her daugher and like her daughter she sometimes doesn't know enough to let go of a grudge, but she does and moves on. sometimes she lost her temper with us, especially me. Often she would revert to what she knew or just couldn't deal with me, but she would get over it. I didn't understand her as a child, but as an adult I can relate all to well to what she did and why she did much of what she did. My mom like most mothers was a human being, one who had a life before me and one who had issues of her own to deal with.
My mom has lost everything she owned in a fire, not once but twice and yet she didn't quit, didn't stop, but kept on going.
She married and started a family at an age when many of her friends were raising teenagers, or becomming grandparents. And she did it with out whining or complaining, at least not where my brother or I could hear her.
Despite losing my father much to early, she managed to continue on, to make a life and live. She took over everything my dad left behind and took over all the bookkeeping of my dad's various investments, and sale of the farm and the rent of the land.
For the daugher of immigrants who only had an 8th grade education, she did better than many with ph.ds.
She has been there many times, when no one else was. She loves me even though I think half the time she doesn't have a clue where I came from. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and in some ways I think I am still rebeling, but in other ways, I am glad when somebody says I am like my mom.
I could do a lot lot worse.
I was not an easy kid to raise, and my mom put up with a lot. She doesn't understand me but she loves me anyway, accepts me and my brother for who we are, and doesn't try to force us to be the children she would have liked to have. It took her awhile to come to terms that she would never have the perfect children every mother dreams of, but she didn't let that stop her from being a mom.
That is a true mother in every sense of the word.
I don't say it enough, but despite everything. I love you mom!!
Friday, May 11, 2007
confused and bewildered
I think there must be something in the gas besides gas. I don't just mean the higher prices, but something is causing people around here to loose thier minds, and car exhaust seems to me a pretty sneaky way to poison a large group of unsuspecting people (I mean more so than we already are)
I stopped in Wally World tonight to returns yesterdays afore mentioned sports bra as the uniboob look really isn't me. Afterwards I went to pick up a few other needed, items (mouthwash, face mask, home manicure suppliesk, you know the essentials), while I was in the hair care aisle some Asian woman (an employee yet) was helping a bunch of hispanic people decide on a hair color product for the lone female of the group. I was looking at hair items minding my own business, but eavesdropping none the less, as I love overhearing other peoples conversations.
I turned away from my cart for a moment to look at something when the Asian lady made eye contact and grabbed my hand leading me of to a corner. Where she whispered to me
Don't leave your wallet, there are foreigners everywhere
I was stunnded. I finally just had to laugh. I swear I thought I was on candid camera, or some really bad reality show. Did she really say what I thought she just said!?!? In Wal-Mart yet. **blink blink**
Hello, this is America, unless you are 100% Native American somewhere in your family tree there are a bunch of one time foreigners.. And even they immigrated over thru Asia several thousand years ago.
Sheesh, read a history book why don't you.
Than I check my email and find this lovely little piece of spam. Presented exactly as I recieved it, creative spellings and all.
Re:.. P.ossib.le meeting f
Hi tbhere lovely, I was searbcbhing the net few days ago. I am new to this thing. and saw your profile.a I decided to emaail you cause I found b you attractive. I might come down to your city ain few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person. I am attractive gairl. I am sure you won't regreta it. Reply to my personal email at
I've never placed a personal ad ever. And I don't swing on that side of the fence, I don't swing period with random strangers I've never met. So What.the.fuck!?!? I must be on some mighty intersting lists. But at least this one wasn't in Greek.
It seems to me if you are trying to spam someone to get money out of them, it would make sense to put the email in a language they might possibly be able to actually read!?!? But I'm strange that way.
A few days ago, my WiseGeek email sent me this wonderful link, about how I can make my own yarn out of dog fur, Or cat fur If I have enough kitites (no harm to the animal, it involves saving what they shed naturally). I think I will pass. Somehow I don't think a Chloe sweater or a Chester scarf really sounds all that appealing to me. Not to mention the work. I mean who is that freaking bored?
Last week I put on gas. A local grocery store has an offer where you get so much off per gallon of gas with your reciept, up to 12 cents if you buy over $100. My reciept is only for about $25 or so, good for 4 cents off per gallon. After work I traipse over to the station as my gas tank was not quite but almost down to fumes. I fill up my car, after going thru more steps than required to program the average tivo, and pay for my discounted gas. I thought I had got a pretty good deal. Not so much. On my way to visit the delinquent one, I drove by a station I used to frequent regularly when I worked down town. The same freaking gas was 4 cents cheaper than what I paid with my freaking discount. Good thing I only bought $20 worth.
At the rate we are going pretty soon filling stations will have to have finance offers to help you take out loan everytime you fill up. Sheesh!!
But at least its Friday. That means Las and Order and a night I don't have to worry about getting to be and getting up early the next day.
TTFN
I stopped in Wally World tonight to returns yesterdays afore mentioned sports bra as the uniboob look really isn't me. Afterwards I went to pick up a few other needed, items (mouthwash, face mask, home manicure suppliesk, you know the essentials), while I was in the hair care aisle some Asian woman (an employee yet) was helping a bunch of hispanic people decide on a hair color product for the lone female of the group. I was looking at hair items minding my own business, but eavesdropping none the less, as I love overhearing other peoples conversations.
I turned away from my cart for a moment to look at something when the Asian lady made eye contact and grabbed my hand leading me of to a corner. Where she whispered to me
Don't leave your wallet, there are foreigners everywhere
I was stunnded. I finally just had to laugh. I swear I thought I was on candid camera, or some really bad reality show. Did she really say what I thought she just said!?!? In Wal-Mart yet. **blink blink**
Hello, this is America, unless you are 100% Native American somewhere in your family tree there are a bunch of one time foreigners.. And even they immigrated over thru Asia several thousand years ago.
Sheesh, read a history book why don't you.
Than I check my email and find this lovely little piece of spam. Presented exactly as I recieved it, creative spellings and all.
Re:.. P.ossib.le meeting f
Hi tbhere lovely, I was searbcbhing the net few days ago. I am new to this thing. and saw your profile.a I decided to emaail you cause I found b you attractive. I might come down to your city ain few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person. I am attractive gairl. I am sure you won't regreta it. Reply to my personal email at
I've never placed a personal ad ever. And I don't swing on that side of the fence, I don't swing period with random strangers I've never met. So What.the.fuck!?!? I must be on some mighty intersting lists. But at least this one wasn't in Greek.
It seems to me if you are trying to spam someone to get money out of them, it would make sense to put the email in a language they might possibly be able to actually read!?!? But I'm strange that way.
A few days ago, my WiseGeek email sent me this wonderful link, about how I can make my own yarn out of dog fur, Or cat fur If I have enough kitites (no harm to the animal, it involves saving what they shed naturally). I think I will pass. Somehow I don't think a Chloe sweater or a Chester scarf really sounds all that appealing to me. Not to mention the work. I mean who is that freaking bored?
Last week I put on gas. A local grocery store has an offer where you get so much off per gallon of gas with your reciept, up to 12 cents if you buy over $100. My reciept is only for about $25 or so, good for 4 cents off per gallon. After work I traipse over to the station as my gas tank was not quite but almost down to fumes. I fill up my car, after going thru more steps than required to program the average tivo, and pay for my discounted gas. I thought I had got a pretty good deal. Not so much. On my way to visit the delinquent one, I drove by a station I used to frequent regularly when I worked down town. The same freaking gas was 4 cents cheaper than what I paid with my freaking discount. Good thing I only bought $20 worth.
At the rate we are going pretty soon filling stations will have to have finance offers to help you take out loan everytime you fill up. Sheesh!!
But at least its Friday. That means Las and Order and a night I don't have to worry about getting to be and getting up early the next day.
TTFN
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