lots of stuff

I did yoga yesterday afternoon. I"m not nearly as flexible as the teacher, or some of the other students, but for a first timer I suprised myself with what I could do. My teacher even gave me a good on my Warrior I. Towards the end I felt like I could fall asleep, I think I almost understand what they mean by a meditative state. My mind wasnt' a complete blank,but I did feel more focused, inward instead of on everything else that was going on.

I must have really taken alot out of me, though I couldnt' even make it back to visit Warren for evening. I was so exhausted. I was ready for bed by 8:30, but I couldn't seem to get comforatable or get to sleep. Between the yoga and the weights from Saturday I was more than a little stiff and achey. Finally after an epsom salt bath and some Aleve {and my regular meds - lamictal and benydryl}, I was able to fall asleep by 9:30ish. I must have really been exhausted, I set my alarm to go off radio instead of buzzer, so I totally didnt' hear it, and ended up sleepign until 6:30. I had plenty of time to get to work, but water aerobics was a total bust {class is 6am to 7am}.

I feel much better right now.

Warren has finally been accepted to three different facilities. The closest one {Fergus Falls} won't have an opening for 8 weeks {unless djs can pull something off} so it looks like it will either be Masabi {Iron range in Northern Minnesota} or Woodworth {just outside DesMoines}. Masabi would be more convient, but my dads sister Nina {Nine-a, not Neena}, and my cousin Karen live in a suburb of DesMoines, so that has good and bad advantages. I'm kind of torn right now.

After work I decided to celebrate finally having some good news and treated myself to a meal out {somethign I havne't done in a long time}. On my way to see Warren there is an Indian restaurant. I go by it many times. I finally stopped in to check them out. They are a bit pricer than I expected, but the food was awesome.

It started with some crisp lentil bread {I can't remember what she called it}, with a mint sauce of some kind and a tandoori sauce. It was a bit exotic, but really quite good. It must have been. I couldnt' stop eating it.

I ordered the Baingan Bharta, which was heavenly. Ther was also enough food for 2 or 3 people. I will definately be back when they have the buffet. I'm so glad to have finally found a place with a whole menu section that is vegetarian. I have enough for lunch tommorrow and maybe even the day after.

I also bit the bullet and decided to sign up for our local YMCA's team in the American Heart Association walk. The walk {not race, or marathon, whew} is on August 16th.

I'm not really one to go around knocking on doors and begging people for money, but I am planning to print out a poster and put it up at work so people who want to donate can. That way they can come to me, no pressure.

I also have a page if anyone wants to check it out. I set my fund raising goal at the lowest. I'd love to get a free t-shirt just to have something to remember it by, to remind myself of what I did, and why I did it.

If you would like to dinate you can donate online, or print out a form to mail in to the American Heart Association. If you do donate, please drop me an email, or a private message to let me know, so I can make sure I get credit towards my fund raising goal.

If you feel comfortable sending me your name and address, I'd be happy to send you a postcard from lovely North Dakota. I would like to send out bigger prizes, but I'm financially tapped.

My personal email is warrensmom@gmail.com

170 - party time

I'm down another pound today. granted I was probably a bit on the dehydrated side when I weighed myself, but it was all me, so it counts.

I slept in until about 7 ish this morning. {sounds early but when you are normally up and at 'em at 5 am, 7 is quite nice. }. I was so hot already. But I"m not going to complian lest the rain and wind come back.

I just sort of lazed around most of the morning. I had a salmon burger {my own made from canned salmon} for breakfast, with a nectarine later.

I also did a power walk to the store for rhe paper. Despite temps already in the 90's and humidity about 80 percent or more I managed to do it in 23 minutes. Allowing for store time to buy the paper that works out to about a 14 minute mile. I'm impressed.

for lunch I was lazy and not very hungry, so I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and an apple, with the last of the almond milk {unsweetened}.

This turned out to be a bad idea.

I went to vist Warren from 2 - 3. After than I went to the gym and did 30 minutes of elliptical training. {over 2 miles and 280 calories burned}. I acutally had it iup to 12/13 mph, but I couldnt' keep it there very long. I also did about 30 minutes or so of weight lifting. I am much improved, but I am still nto nearly as strong as I would like to be. I am keeping track of my progress. I can see some mucles, but not neccesarily where I would like them. I was also feeling a bit on the weak side form the elliptical and from not drinking enough, or probably eating enough.

I went back to the locker room and enjoyed some sauna time. I'm not normally a big sauna fan, but sometimes I love a good sweat. It feel so cleansing and healthy {tough I would recommend extreme caution to anyone with a medical condition}. I also had a lovely relax in the hot tub. Those high powered jets make great masseuses.

I ran in to a mom I knew from Juvy {we have kids in similiar boats, so it was nice to actaully talk to some one.

By the time I got showered, dressed and out of the Y it was almost 6 oclock. I still have no idea how that much time slipped away.

After that I went to Erberts and Gerberts, since a} I was starving and b} I had a 5 dollar gift certificate from work {I get them a very happy well speding customer rthey give me a free cheap lunch}. So I got a Jacob Bluefinger, minus the cheese and mayo, {the only vegetarian entree on the menu}. and a water. It isn't much a veggie sub {lettuce tomato sprouts with avacado spread on wheat colored white bread}. I only ate half of it, cause I wasn't impressed, but I was quite hungry. It held me over while I spent and hour trying not to spend too much at the grocery store, but doing it anyway.

Then it was on to real torture. Swim suit shopping. TJ Maxx was having {supposedly} a big sale on name bran suits for a frraction of the price. Too bad they only had one piddly little rack, most of which were teeny bikini's, some in my size {were I boobless}, but none I'd be caught dead wearing in public. I tried on every one piece {or two piece supposed to look like one}. While I discovered I can wear a ten when it is made of lycra and spandex. I really can't wear it in public for some time. I must have tried on 1000 suits {or maybe it just felt that way}.

Aside, why do suit manufacturers assume that if you can fit into a smaller size {compared to my prev 28's, 12's are tiny}, that you also have little boobs. I have D cups {used to be dd}. I also have no tone, so they look like water balloons. With my suits I look squished in and spilling over. I finally just settled on one that I wasn't thrilled with, but it would work. If it didn't have that stupid skirt over hang, it would be very nice. I hate skirts and I hate flowers {on clothes, on me}. But it will work.

My stupid bargain basement Walmart suit, was a piece of crap. The elastic is already shot. I never even machine washed it. Just rinsed it out in the shower and then wrang it out in the extracter. I guess it was designed for ocassinal sunbathing and very little actual swimming. I need something that is made to take lots of use. Let's hope this is a better deal. I can't afford to buy and expenisive suit, but I need a good one that will take all I can dishout. Lets hope this will work for now.

dinner was a 3.3 oz piece of Wild caught Creek river salmon, a bunch of asparagus tips and a bunch of broccoli. I also made a fruite smoothie. I'm still hungry, I do have a nice large bag of cherries calling to me. .

I'm 170 pounds. Snoop Dance time. Any day now I'll officially be in the 160's. I haven't been this small since middle school. Its a real trip I'm telling you.

170 170 170

14 years ago

Ahh the joys and miserys of womanhood. This morning I woke up with all the classic signs of a damn UTI {urinary tract infection}. Nothing makes work fun, like peeing every 20 minutes, or at least feeling like you have to.

Of course that meant going to the clinic and spending an hour plus in waiting room chairs for 20 minutes of attention to find out proof of what I already know. My urine was so dilute they weren't sure if I had one or not, though I did have white blood cells. Fortunately I've been down this road many times. So I knew the symptoms quite well. Luckily the doctor ws a good one, so i have three days of antibiotics, and some pain pills that will turn my pee orange. {cool}.

Its been several years since I've had one. I wonder if the pool could have anything to do with it. I drink tons of water, eat extremely healthy {80 percent of the time}, and wipe front to back. who knows.

Its kind of ironic that the worst bladder/kidney infection I had was 14 years ago. I was 6 months pregnant with the now teenager and my uti managed to progress to my kidneys, while I flu virus decided to hitch along for the tun. I wound up in the hospital for a week, on IV fluids and drugs. I was so dehydrated when they admitted me, I had reached the point where I couldn't even keep water down. I had my one and thankfully ONLY catheter. Not an experience I ever care to repeat.

I remember it also because some cardioogist with bad handwriting mistook my room for someone elses and started talking to me about heart issues in a down syndrome baby. I freaked, until he quickly realized thru our convesation that I was the wrong mother. I still wonder about that other mother and if things went well with her baby. I sure hope so.

I think I am probably the only woman I know who lost weight by becomming pregnant, but continous round the clock all day morning sickness will do that to you.

On the other hand a constant craving for milk and eggs, does have its benifits. Warren waas born long skinny and solid muscle, or at least it seemed that way.

It was 14 years ago tonight I went to sleep a single free woman and woke up the next moring at 5 am, with the not so gently stab of labor pains, that reminded me an awful lot of being ran thru a ringer. Who was I to know I hadn't seen anything yet.

I quickly realized that my child {who at this point I was still convinced was a gril} was gearing up to make his appearance. I hadn't ever done this before so I got ready to head for the hospital.

I tried to wake the Idiot {than still called Mike}, but he was out, like a broken lightbulb {exhaustaion plus beer does have that effect} and would have been useless. So I did what any woman would do. I got my bag packed, climbed in my car and drove to the hospital. I was so out of it, when later asked where my car was, I had no idea other than it was in the garage. I think I sent them to the wrong space on the wrong level.

I was quickly checked into the maternity ward, where my labor was decidedly sped along thanks to haveing my water broke manually. That upped the ante in a hurry.

This was about 6 amish in the morning. Things didn't get better anytime soon. So while I was still functional, I started making phone calls. Lots of phone calls, my parents {who were practically in the car and half way to Fargo before I could finish}, my friends {who thought it was funny to get q call from someone in labor}, my employers {I had two jobs, ironically one of them was with the company i currently work for, but didn't for almost 10 years after I had Warren}. Eventually I also got a hold of the idiot to inform him his child ws on the way. He called his work, than went intto finish some "project" and ended up getting to the hospital in time to see Warren being rolled into the nursery.

I discovered not much can help with the pain of labor. Even IV demerol doesn't dull the pain, so much as put your mind where you dont' care. It was at this point I also discovered taht putting bubble bath ina jacuzzi tub, is a very bad and messy idea.

Finally about 3pm, Warren decided it was time to start his grand entrance. I can't really compare it to other labors, since he was my only, but it was sure fast. One minute they are telling me to push and get ready, by 3:23 pm I was informed I had a boy.

I had no boy names. Great.. My kid has no name... "so do you have a name".. umm

I took one look at my new little boy with the red peach fuzzy head and the first thing that came out of my mouth, was 'Hello Warren Michael". I am not sure why I picked that name, thouigh I know it came from my countless hours of watching Santa Barbara when I was sick during my pregnancy.

I guess the name must have just been in my subconsciousness. Michael was his father's name. His family always gives the son the fathers first name as a middle name, so I guess it makes sense. I had made lists and lists of girl names, thinking and trying. I had a boy and put together his name in 2 seconds.

Of course everyone couldn't help but notice he was a red head, however fuzzy. Since I am a dark blonde/light brown and Mike was a dishwater blonde {now closer to bald}, the inevitable mail man jokes, and where does that red hair come from comments adn jokes started almost right away. It seems like it was the first thing people noticed about him. than they noticed how long and skinny he was. He was all legs. Mike used to joke, that when Warren wore is green pajama's he was like a little froggy. He is still all legs.

My 7 pound 4.25 ounce, 19.5 inch baby boy. The same baby who is now almost 6 feet tall and weighs over 200 pounds. Who now has a fuzzy face and caterpiller on his lip that match the fuzz he was born with on his head.

Mike showed up after all the hard work was done, but to his credit he went out afterwards and bought me watermelon {the hospital cafeteria let me pick whatever I wanted , so they brought me some too}, and a magazine. He also slept in the hospital with me the first two nights. he also got to hold Warren before me, because I was hemmoraging bad enough afterwards, they took WArren to go get him cleaned up while they took care of me. To this day I regret that. But take comfort in the fact, it didn't sotp us from bonding.

After that I spent the next three or so days attempting to learn how to breast feed and get by sleepign in two to four hour shifts, something that would soon seem like a luxery, when I got my little opionated one home. Warren it seems was born ready to tell the world what he thought. Stubborn from the onset. He would sleep for 15 minutes at a time, unless I was holding him, than he would sleep for hours. IF I tried to put him down he would scream bloody murder. I learned to co-sleep for my sanity's sake, though Mike was always so paranoid I would drop him or roll over on him. {whatever}. It wasn't until he was almost 3 months old I realized he would sleep fine on his belly, but on his back or side, would scream. I ended up violating all sids advice to get some sleep. Kind of funny that even today, he prefers to sleep on his belly.

this is the same kid who could pull up at 6 months cruise around 7 - 8 months and by 10 months was walking/running like he'd been doing it since birth. His early years seemed almost like he was frustrated that his body wouldn't let him move and get up like he wanted to. He can walk and move fine now, but his attitude still hasnt' changed.

IT will be 14 years ago tommorrow afternoon, that I got to become his mother.

I4 years since I learned what life is really all about, and got a crash course in growing up.

I wish things were better, but whatever happens, he is my baby boy.. He is taller, heavier and much stronger than I am, but he is still my baby. I am still wrapping my head around how much he has grown.

Sometimes I look at him and I am amazed that this man in the making is my son. Can this really be my baby, the little boy I used to nurse and rock to sleep, the one who wanted me to read Dr. Suess so many times I started talking in rhymes. The little 3 year old who loved to collect rocks, who actually thought I really could blow away the Ouchies.

He's been replaced with somebody, larger than me, with a voice that sounds exactly like his fathers, who still has a wicked brilliant sense of humor, and who was blessed with mechanical abilites I will never have. But in my heart he will always be my little baby boy.

This has nothing to do wtih Warren, but I wanted to share. I am down another 2 pounds finally. I'm at 171 as of this moring. Go me.

cheating

Not too much has changed here lately, not too much going on to write about, so I'll bore you with another meme that seems to be making the rounds.

I didn't make it up, if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged.

What were you doing 10 years ago?


Ten years ago, today was 5 days before Warren's 4th birthday. I was busy plannin a party and trying to get that set up. I had moved into a new place after living in the YWCA for a couple weeks, my father had passed away the previous December and I was contemplating going back to school. Man was that a lifetime ago.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Going to work, spending time with Warren, fighting with Warren, trying to stretch a nickel into a dime, not a whole lot different from what I am doing right now, except Warren was at home and not getting into nearly so much trouble.

Five snacks you enjoy:



1. blue corn tortilla chips with salsa

2. pita chips and hummus

3. baby carrots and baba ghannousj
and tomato

4.Rye crisps with peanut butter and all fruit {or jelly}

5. Soy delicous "milk" shakes {soy delicous, fruit and soymilk, a little orange juice if needed to make it thinner, blend till drinkable}

Five songs that you know all the lyrics:
1. comfortably Numb {and most of the songs on both The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon - if you are new here I am a big Pink Floyd fan

2. Pinball Wizard by the Who {Elton Sings it in Tommy, but the Who do it better

3. Bus Stop {I think that's the name, not sure who sings it, "I'm hers she's mine, wedding bells are gonna chime"
4. Theme songs of all most all the shows I watched as a kid in the 70's and 80's{hey it counts}
5. Scads of Ann Murray {would have to say ditto on this Cosmic}, I'm extremely eclectic

Five

1. Pay off everybody I owe money to, and clean up my sucky ass credit

2. Give my mom a proper thank you for all she has done for us

3. Put my son in a private facility so I didn't have to deal with the f*** state of North Dakota

4. Buy a nice new house in a much nicer part of town {though this one is pretty nice}

5. Set up a trust fund, so my brother {and son} will always be taken care of should something happen to me, and that if I died before Warren was 18, my idiot ex wouldn't be able to touch a dime.

Five bad habits:


1. talking to much, not letting others talk.

2. obsessing about things, and then loosing interest

3. ignoring things, with the mistaken idea that they will somehow magically go away.

4. a tendancy towards know-it-all ism

5. yelling when ever I am mad, or excited or any other extreme emotion, apparently I have a voice that carries extraordinarily well, or so I've been told.

Five things you like doing:

1. reading, almost anything

2. blogging/reading blogs, cruising the net

3. watching movies

4. working out

5. learning new things

Five things you would never wear again:


1. Nylons, tights, any kind of hosery. It should be outlawed by the Geneva convention

2. heels of any kind, other than on a hiking boot, or work boot

3. skirts some may love them, but I can't stand them, which is weird because when I was younger I loved them, especially the twirly ones}

4. cotton pull on stretch fat pants {the one's I didn't give away I burned in effegy{br>
5. anything, flowery, lacey, loud, or ice cream colored.

Five favorite toys:

1. My computer.
2. My dvd player
3. My car
4. My phone
5. My I"m sure I'll think of something

I've taken variations of this many times and I always get the same thing, so it must be pretty close to the truth.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

If they say so;

What Your Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich Means

Your eating style is reserved. You are a bit of a fussy eater, and you have very specific ways you like your food prepared. You don't really have a sweet tooth. If you go for dessert, you tend to go for something light. Your taste in food tends to be quite eclectic and wide. You are an adventurous eater, and you like many types of cuisines. You belong to a class that's all your own. You resist rules and traditions of any sort. You are a tough person who isn't afraid to live life fully. There isn't a lot that scares you. You are laid back and extremely easygoing. You never make a fuss, and you try to enjoy every moment.

What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

Considering some of the changes in geography since I was in 8th grade, I'm impressed.

You Passed 8th Grade Geography

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Geography?

I'll let the last one stand on its own:

Your Ex is Histrionic

Your ex is hot and cold - a total drama queen or king. Your ex can't survive without tons of dramatics, attention, and approval. People with histrionic personality disorder are inappropriately seductive, prone to rapid mood swings, and rash decision makers. Sound at all familiar?

What's Wrong With Your Ex?

one more;


DUH

Your Stress Level is: 61%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now. Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out. Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only wa you'll get through the bad times.

How Stressed Are You?

I'm addictive and trippy {I always thought I was more exestential than surreal but that's okay. My fav artist it Edvard Munch so go figure}

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you've created a world that is all your own. It's very likely that you've either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy. You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society. You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

What Art Movement Are You?

Rain rain please please go away, and don't come back for many many days. We have so much now, that the wheat and beet fields will soon resemble rice paddys.

It poured buckets again today, and by that I mean more than the streets could handle so my normal 15 or so minute drive home took more like 45 freaking minutes as I couldnt' take the short most direct route I normally take, at least not until I outfit my Honda with pontoons and and outboard, or trade her in for something with an Evenrude. I wound up taking a path that was way long around what I normally take and still had to drive thru water half way up to my hubcaps. I wound up turning around at two different places as I wasn't about to take a chance with this car going thru water of questionable depth. I worked too hard for this baby, not going to flood her out, or worse.

if that wasn't enough, when I finally go to the last stop light near my house, I had to sit thru three lights as the city is too stupid to realize this intersection needs arrows during the peak traffic hours {like say 5:45 pm during a monsoon}, I won't even talk about the Semi that was trying to make way to narrow a turn and almost took out me and three other cars, were we not able to move, so he just wound up making some interseting marks on somebody's lawn {the boulevard part next to the street}. I know my blood pressure was ready to do a tea kettle imitation.

On the brightside I know my windshield wipers work very well, too bad they don't have one more speed on them, like say maybe a warp drive.

I did love having to run the defroster when it was about 350 degrees and 250 percent humidity though, so my windows didnt' look like I was having the kind of fun usually reserved for teenagers at a drive in.

good thing Fargo didn't take down the dike yet. I have a feeling they may just want to leave it up for awhile.

There is someting really wrong when Florida and eastern states are having dry years and we are being washed away by midwestern monsoons.

Who needs the gym. If I want to do water aerobics I just go swim across the street.

That's only a slight exaggeration.

Whine and cheeze

I hate scales. I really would like to throw them all in a pile and torch the whole things with a few mega tons of dynamite. My pants are fitting better, I am getting a little stronger and more flexible, but the bloody freaking /-/-/*-- numbers on the scale refuse to freaking budge. I have been at this same weight for almost a month now. I really want to blow something up {I am so not like most girls}.

My goal was to be at 150 by Warren's birthday. That is on the 20th only 8 days from now. I have long since realized I won't make that. I know I've come along way from the 298 I started at {312 at my heaviest} and a lot of people would be thrilled to be at 173, but I was hoping I could at least be in the 160's which while not goal some how seems so much smaller than the 170's. {its a psych thing I know}. i feel stupid for not being happier about where I am at, yet in between realizing how good I do look and how far I've come I have to fight off the urge to starve myself or do some other stupid unhealthy thing. Part of me wants to say F** it and go eat some muffins, but my rational brain is still in control and knows that's what got me in to trouble in the first place and my body deserves better. I'm just so many things right now, I dont' even know waht I am. I should be happy, but all I see is buffalo thighs, a flat watermelon butt, and a bunch of hanging skin on my legs and upper arms.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think damn?? is that me??. Other times I still see the old fat me. I guess I'm still adjusting to the new me, sometimes I'm not even sure I know the new me.


Enough whining for now. Time for some good news. {well goodnews/badnews}. Warren gets to have passes now. I got to spend two and half hours with him outside in the real world. He can have three passes a week. I also talked to DJS, and she and I and the respected involved legal members of this whole fiasco also agree with me, its the treatment places that can't see what we see. YOu would think he robbed a liquor store and shot somebody or something, not a few petty misdemeanors.

But I feel a little better and it was nice to have some time with my son, and the soft fuzzy caterpillar that seems to be growing on his lip. It was all I could do not to pluck a random long hair on his chin, sticking out from all the fuzz.

We went out to eat. Uno's is closed so we went to Krolls {local diner/with some great German specialities}. Warren ate like he hadn't been fed in a month. I had a chef salad hold the meat and cheese, which left me with iceburg lettuce and tomato in some sort of herby shell thing. I ate half of it {no dressing} and asome of Warren's hashbrowns. I only had water to drink, so I think I did okay. But I went light the rest of the night. I'm sort of hungry and sort of not. I think I'll just skip eating anymore until tommorrow. I can work it off in the pool. I'll just work double time {who am I trying to kid}

My baby boy will be 14 in only 8 days. I feel so old now. I may have to retell his birth story. Its not as interesting and wild as some, but its definately all us. I have the day off. Hopefully we might be able to get more than a couple hours.

keeping on, keeping on

I'm in a much better mood. Nothing has changed about the current situation, I've just given myself a bit of an attitude adjustment. Of course my first instinct was to sit in bed, whining in my head and throwing a pity party of one, but that only made me feel worse and did nothing to change things.

I can't change things right now, but I can change how I see it and hopefully make myself feel better, so I can at least be prepared to cope with things come Monday. {Or so the theory goes, anyhow}. I've been working out, and making sure I eat right, as I need the nutrition now more than ever. {though lately I've been so anal about that anyway}.

I am loving the water aerobics, I feel so much more energized the rest of the day. I am not liking the 5am wake ups however. I would really like 5am much better if it was closer to 8 or 9am. Then again, time was when 5am was more of a bedtime than a wake up time, so I must be doing something right.

I did a very hard workout today, and suprisingly I feel very good. I even treated myself to slightly more expensive dinner than I would normally have. I treated myself to a nice fresh piece of wild caught salmon, the bright red {w/no added color} kind. I just wrapped it in packet with some lime vinegrette {bottled} and some fresh rosemary and baked it. It was soo good. I swear I could eat salmon almost everyday. Good thing I had some broccoli, green beans, sweet potato {half a medium} and some baby lettuce with mushrooms. Of course I also splurged on a couple nice warm cups of ginger tea.

I did visit Warren tonight, but otherwise I spent the day just taking it easy and getting a few errands and other things done. Now I'm just enjoying some dvd therapy.

Poor Paris Hilton, how sorry I feel for you. How pathetic to go thru over 20 some odd years of life with out ever having been held personally responsible for your actions. When somebody does finally hold you accountable, you break down and act like a three year old late for nap time, and not getting a second cookie. You'd think it was 20 to life not a month if you allow for good behavior. And if she really does have that severe of medical issues, than she belongs in a hospital, a real hospital that is, not a glorified spa for pampered trust fund babies.

May she someday learn just how lucky she was to be born in to a rich family, that it doesn't make her better than anyone else, but it does give her to ability to do a lot for a lot of not so foruntate people. That with great wealth and power come great responsibility. Who is going to run the family fortune when mommy and daddy aren't around anymore. I dont' know anything about her siblings, but from what I can tell, she sure isn't up to it.

Maybe she'll someday learn that earnign somethign yourself, feels a whole lot better than having mommy and daddy handing it to you. That being protected from teh world, and relieved of all responsiiblty consititues a form of child abuse, as it produces a very unstable adult.

May she realize that partying everynight and flashing your hoo ha isn't going to fix anything, in fact it only makes things worse. May she realize that she should be thankful to the cop who originally pulled her over for being under the influence, he may have saved her life, or the life of an innocent driver unlucky enough to be on the road.

maybe a month alone with herself will force her to do some hard hard thinking {and not do he Oprah/Dr. Phill/The view circuit}, and to grow up and act like an adult instead of a teenager in woman's clothing.

Maybe she will stop living on the sweat of her grandparents, a few bad b movies and a really stupid reality show, and decide to do some real work, to stop wasting her funds on over priced designer duds and shoes that cost more than most people make in a momth and use it to help people, to make a difference.

Maybe she will realize that the best way to avoid the poparatzi is to not go to the places where the poparotzi hang out and expect to find her. Plenty of famous people are not pictured regularly in the rags, because they know how to keep themselves out of the limelight and to keep to places where they aren't going to be photographed humiliating themselves.

Maybe she can teach Brittney and LIndsey, and Nicole how to be a mature responsible adult, not a little girl playing dress up.

But I'm not holding my breathe.

distant ships on the horizon

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Taken from Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, words by Roger Waters if I am not mistaken
I finally did it yesterday. I went to the salon after work and I got my hair chopped off. Not all off, but a good 2 inches or so. Its much shorter and hard to get used to but I like it. All I need to do is scrunch adn blow dry. The layers make it look like I got a wavey perm, but I didn't. I was just lucky enough to get the hair genes from the German side of the family {too bad they came with large hips and thighs attached}. I wasn't sure at first, now I think I am liking. Even the grey is less obvious {no die jobs, the chlorine of the pool would make that gone, or nasty in a hurry}.

Work was actually a pretty good day, despite two very long talkers taking up the end of my shift, and one very complicated call, involving a customer whose card was being used by somebody who was very stupid, or else there is something else even more devious going on. The whole thing is very bizaare.

After work I stopped at Great Harvest as I needed another loaf of bread. I've decided I'm never buying bread anyother place. They grind thier own whole wheat flour daily and bake daily. The other stuff they bake is too die for. Almost all of it whole wheat {muffins, cookies, bars, specialty breads.. carb heaven}. I had to buy a Savannah bar {I was good, life's too short not to enjoy some sugar on occassion}. I thought I died and went to sugar heaven. Its made with whole wheat flour along with oats, coconuts, raspberries, brown sugar honey and I'm not sure what else. It ws messy but heavenly. Of course I couldn't turn down a free sample either {whole wheat raisin walnut roll w/carmel, sticky but delicous}. So my blood sugar I'm sure went zoom, hopefully the fruits nuts and whole grains slowed it down.

Then I went to visit Warren. I am being to wish, I had tried something else. I am so beginnig to hate these people I trusted to help my son, and signed him over too. I'm reporting this as told to me by Warren, so I may not have all the facts, but it seems she went to visit him today. Apparently {and I will call her tommorrow for confirmation} none of the places she has tried, save one will take him as they think he is too much, too dangerous, or will be a bad influence on the other residents. Bloody hell, I thought that's the kind of kids they were supposed to be helping. If this last place can't take him, we may be looking out of state. FUCK.. I think I would have been better off just sticking him in a hospital or something myself. I thought I was doing ther right thing, and get my son and me some help.

Instead we are being screwed over. Right now I am very depressed, angry and guilty. How dare somebody tell my son, he isn't wanted. I want him, he isn't a bad kid, why does everyone see him that way. He is a wonderful, extreemely bright, sensitive kid, who just needs some guidance, some help, and some acceptance. He is save able, he just needs to learn that.

I wasn't even hungry when I got home, so I just threw together some lunch for tom

morrow. I'll try to get some pics one of these days, if I can find someone to take them or figure out how to photo myself. Sorry I haven't commented much. I just don't feel like doing much, and most nights I am so tired when I get home, I just want to collape in bed.

I did have one bright side to my day. I tried on clothes at a thrift store, and found out I can fit into at least some 12's. Last time I wore a 12, my mom still bought my clothes for me. I was in freaking middle school.. So this is cool.

My weight seems to be the only thing I have any control over lately. No wonder some people get eating disorders. Food and mood are way too tied to each other.

I may not be around much except on weekends. I've been dealing with 14 hour days lately {I leave home at 5:30 am for water aerobics, than go to work, than kill and hour and go visit Warren, so I get home at 8pm. by 9/9:30 I'm ready for lights out. I rented 5 movies on Sunday, and so far all I've watched is Tommy {yes I am a Who fan. Love those Elton shoes too}, and the dvd Extras from Time Bandits {two more films and I"ll have seen all of Terry Gilliams work, any one know where I can find a copy of Jabberwocky}.

Exercise and cinema therapy are the only things between me and a nervous breakdown right now. so I appologize ahead of time for ignoring people and such and not being there. I just can't deal with anyone or anything outside of my immediate concerns at the moment. I appreciate all your kind comments, I know you all mean well, and I love to hear it, but right now I just can't feel it.


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.
ditto on the copyright info

No titles today

Hol Got to sleep in this morning. I didn't get up until 6:15ish. I went to the close Y and did 30 minutes on the elliptical cross trainer.Its the one I've been working on most of the time, before I did water aerobics it just took me this long to figure out what it was called} and now on saturdays when I have no classes {since I work alternating

I did some arm weights and some crunches, on the machine {my belly hates that,but its helping alot} and then realized I had better hit the showers or I would be late. ,p. Of course mother nature is having another bipolar day, so I ca't go out and walk/jog lest I get a good soaking when mother nature has another rapid cycling fit. but the extra humidity and the harder workout really had me sweating. I think my heart rate his the 70 almost 80 percent range. Pity I can't keep it there for very long. ,P. But its having great effects. I just noticed today, I'm not slouching anymore. I actually sat up straight all day, very unsusal for me. And when I run I'm not running on my toes anymore. I was a toe walker until I was almost 8, my second grade teacher was always on my case about it, my folks were convinced I was going to be a dancer or something {with no lessons, I don't know how they expected that. Not too much call for professional polka dancers.. My folks were very old time}. I always ran on my toes, now I'm using the normal heal toe motion and running much better and for longer periods. Though I ,p. have to watch my fluids closely. {Or risk public humiliation} I do better on an elliptical or a treadmill, as there is less bumpty bump, same with in the water.

I can't quite do a push up, but I can do about half of a push up, so I am almost there. Tommorrow I am thinking. launddry, UU, cardio and some Yoga. I need to so some more housework too, If there is time I may go to the rally in Lindenwood park to show support for some of my friends, maybe I'll even be brave enough to get a rainbow sticker for my car. {I'm not gay, but I do have good friends who are}.

Work seems to be going by faster too. I picked up some more books at work, {I'm a hopeless addict when it comes to books, almost any books}. I have one on working out by Bob Greene ??, {The guy from Oprah} which seems to be quite interesting. I dont' agree with everything he says, but 98 percent of it makes perfect sense, and seems to confirm what I am experiencing.

I also have one on sleep, one on back issues and Shirley Temple's {very thick} autobiography {I didn't know she had two much older brothers} oh and one on diet for different medical issues {which seems a little fadish, and over the top in some places, but still rather intersting and she does make some good points}. I only have about 6 books I am trying to read now. Oh well might as well exercise the brain as well as the body.

I'm just amazed at how much getting my body healthy seems to affect the rest of my life as well as my mental state. I wish I would have 'got it" years ago, but I guess it took the 10th anniversary of Dad's death to wake me up, and change my mindset.

I've tried to loose weight many times before , and had some moderate success a few times, but most of the time, I wanted the results but wasn't ready for the hard work and life changes required to reach my goals. I didn't really have defined goals either, just loose weight or get healthy. I need to work towards something tangible and specific or I'm adrift. Making it public helped too. I had other people to be accuntable to.

Now I can't imagine my life with out exercise. It's sure chceaper than pharmeceuticals that's for sure.

Yesterday was my stupid pill day. I finished my water aerobics and got ready for work. Drove accross town to get to work, stopping quickly for a newspaper. I got to work early relaxed a bit, made a phone call and just as I was ready to start my shift, I realized I had my pdoc appt today, and was supposed to come in after it.

I had to hop back in my car and race back accross town {thank God for interstates} to get to my appointment with only about 10 minutes to spare. The real kicker here? My appointment was accross the street from the Y. Apparently I'm having my senior moments already.

After work I went to put on gas. I dont' know if Flying J {local truck stop, restaurant/bar, trucker/travel plaza} is lowering their prices earlyir or trying to start a gas war, but they had lowered thier prices 5 cents from wehre they were that moring and were a good 5 or more cents cheaper than any other place in town, and had the lines to prove it. They are also just off the interstate and draw a lot of travelers. I can't remember the last time I had to wait to get to a gas pump. It was like flash back to the late 70's or something, but with out the rationing.

Today the other stations, at least soom seem to have lowered theirs as well.

I still say there is something very wrong when 3.07/gallon is considered cheap gas. Let's hope this will last until my next payday, as things are beyond tight right now.

9pm and I'm ready for bed. Its so nice to be physically tired instead of just tired, or drained.

My bed calleth

insert your own title here

I've made a few cool food discoveries this week: one in the grocery store, and two brilliant flashes at home.

One of the local grocery stores near where I work carries baba ganousj in little 8 oz tubs. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but once I brought it home, I was addicted with the first taste. I think I went thru a bag of baby carrots in two or three days. It also tastes great on bread or in sandwhiches. Who knew eggplant could ever be so yummy with some chickpeas adn some tahinni {and a few other things}. Its rather low in salt too, and high in fiber per serving. I will definately be buying more. I definatly seem to have an undu fondness for medditerean food , except for Feta, I really don't understand how anyone can eat something that smells like dirty feet.

At home I used a vinegrette {Paul newman} to brush my potato wedges before baking them instead of the usual olive oil and seasonings. The place smelled heavenly and they were the best potato wedges I've had. didn't even really need dipping sauce.

I also found a way to make my own slurpees, with no added colores or fake stuff. Its still sugrary but rather healthy. I took frozen fruit {in this case blueberries and blackberries, they have to be frozen} and ran then thru a blender with enough orange juice to make a drink. Man I dont' think anything at the Icee machine was that good, or had that much fiber and other vitamins. I think I'm going to have some of that for my breakfast tommorrow.

I wanted to update last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've started taking water aerobics in the mornings before work {the only time I can find a class at my level that fits my schedule}. I took water aerobics in college and loved it as it is so much easer on the joints and I can do things in water I couldn't dream of doing on land. I'm amazed at what a workout I'm getting and at how well I can keep up. Sometimes I wonder which pod has my real body in it, and if I'm going to have to give this one up.

The class is at 6am, which means I have to leave home at 5:30ish. Have I mentioned I've never been a huge AM person. I can get up when I have to, but I really love my bed. Once I am up and going with some Earl Grey or some English Breakfast tea and some food in me I am fine, but that intitial inertia can be a killer.

The class is great, and I'm much happier the rest of the day, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I also am starting to wonder if I may not have some low blood sugar issues, After I work out I am not hungry, but I am so tired and sometimes shakey I almost have to sit down. But once I eat I am fine. I eat before hand {not right before or I'd have cramps}.

When I got home tonight I was ready to just collapse but once I ate a good meal and had some slurpee {fruit and oj equals sugar boost} I was fine.

My fasting blood sugar last it was checked {a few weeks ago} was 68 and my tryglycerides were 49. So I"m not sure if I am lowering them too much or what.

I need to do more checking out.

Still no changes on the Warren front. He's alternating between acceptance of his situation and anger at me for it. Add in the fact that by the time I get to visit him I am exhausted, hungry and quite cranky, the visits aren't always as pleasant as either of us would like.

Tonight I just said the heck with it and came home and ate and relaxed. I called him and will be calling him later, but I feel so much better. Usually I go visit him after work, meaning I leave home at 5:30 am and get home at 8pm ish. Is it any wonder I'm falling apart.

I love my workouts though. I dont' seem them as work. I see them as cheaper than Prozac or inpatient therapy.

If only my shins would stop crying and my calves would stop bellowing for thier mother.

I think I'm taking a long hot bath and going to be early.